Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

A Quick Word on Davone Bess

posted by DatRoroKid

Davone Bess.  You, sir, are a BADASS.

10 catches, 117 yards and your first TD of the year.  It seems whenever we needed a big play you were there.  You were huge on 3rd downs, turning plays that would be short of a first into big plays that got us chunk yardage.  You were elusive and hard to tackle.  You were all over the field and have redeemed yourself from the personal midseason Doldrums you experienced.  Since the Carolina game and those two amazing catches (the bullet to the sideline as well as the key 4th down when The Robot rolled out and found Bess around midfield), you have reclaimed your badass status.  I want to congratulate you the only way I can, with these two gifts:

Of course

 

 

And a little something extra so you and I can save about $10 so we can use that on two BK value meals:

 

 

A copy of the original Ninetendo Gauntlet game.  You can be Questor, I’ll take Merlin.  Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Schadenfreude!

Why? Because fuck them. That’s why!

Tom Brady: “When you lose, it’s an awful feeling. We’re just not closing the game out when we have an opportunity.”

“If things don’t go your way, you’ve got to fight back. At times we do, and at other times I don’t think we fight very hard.”

Wes Welker: “It’s really frustrating. We’ve always been able to overcome situations and play through things….We all need to look in the mirror, including myself….”

Brandon Meriweather: “You have to be mentally tough to win on the road. Right now, our team isn’t mentally tough like it’s supposed to be.”

Bill Belichick: “I have to coach better. We have to play better, just do a better job.”

“Obviously it’s a disappointing loss. We’ll take a look at the film today, like we always do, and try to correct the mistakes and reinforce the things that we did well…Ultimately it came down to a handful of plays and they made a couple more than we did yesterday.”

“We had our opportunities, we just weren’t able to take advantage of them, numerous times.”

-

PS: Come check out my Miami New Times game re-cap. My boss says it has “a record number of references to balls.” Call me, Pulitzer Prize Board!

Robot Nation

52 passes. Fifty-two. Attempting 52 passes in an NFL game would kill most men, if not have their arms literally fall off the bone. But not Chad Henne. Because Chad Henne is clearly the most insanely badass motherfuckin robot to ever roam the planet.

And it was with his 52 passes, 355-yards, 2 touchdown performance that The Robot established an astonishing ability to use Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots ballsacks as a speed bag in what now ranks as one of the most satisfying wins of the season (right up there with sweeping the Jets).

When the Patriots took that quick two-touchdown lead, and Henne went all “Missile-Arm Mode” and overthrew the entire Dolphins receiving corps, resulting in that Brandon Meriweather INT, I was about ready to call it a day, walk out of my home, hitchhike to the Everglades, find a field of daises, and take a giant shit on it.  But somewhere in the second quarter, staring down the barrel of a 14-0 deficit, The Robot shifted to “Fuck This Noise” mode and led the Fins on a 10-play, 88-yard drive that culminated with Davone Bess’ 13-yard touchdown.

14-7.

Suddenly, hope.

And then, it was as if the rest of the team was bitch-slapped by The Robot himself — jarred awake to get up and fight. It was as if Chad Henne had become William Wallace, except instead of bagpipes and a sword, he has gigantic metallic balls and a heat-ray that can melt your face off.

Everyone stepped the fuck up. And it was beautiful.

When the Dark Lord of the Douche decided to show us what a genius he is by going for the first-down instead of kicking a field goal from the Miami 6-yard line, the Fins front seven stepped up and force-fed Sammy Morris a heaping spoonful of cock, stuffing him for no gain and turning the ball over on downs. When the Patriots were again threatening to score from the Miami 5-yard line later in the game, Vontae Davis went all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, launching himself into the air, snatching the ball out of the sky for the interception, coming down in slow motion, spinning three times mid-air and shoving a railroad spike up Randy Moss’ ass. When the Fins needed a receiver to step up and deliver a giant sack of dicks to the New England secondary, it was Davone Bess and his 10 reception, 117-yard, 1 touchdown performance that did the trick. Shit, even Ted Ginn got in on the good times with two huge 3rd down catches. Ted! Fucking! Ginn!

Such is the power of the 52 passes.

Yes, he still needs to work on his accuracy (that missed pass to a wide open Lousaka Polite almost ruined mine and some random dude’s balls for the week). Yes, he needs to stop staring down his targets (he’s a robot from the 50s, and thus is not equipped with the latest technically advanced guidance systems most modern day robotic weapons possess). Yes he needs to work on getting his passes through his throwing lanes without having them batted down (seriously, Chad, you’re going to kill someone one day when one of your errant 198 MPH passes hits a defensive lineman in the face). But yesterday’s big tits performance signaled one thing — if you didn’t believe before, you best believe now.

The Robot has arrived. And he will harvest your organs for the coming robotic overlords who will soon take over our planet it all started with his 52 passes, right down the Patriots’ throats.

The Robot kept us alive and in the playoff (and AFC East) hunt. He blasted the Patriots in the face with his heat ray bazooka to the tune of an epic 355 yard, two touchdown performance. And then said nasty things about their mothers for good measure. Because fuck them.

Gigantic metallic balls? Gigantic metallic balls.

Keys to the Game: Patriots @ Dolphins

posted by DatRoroKid

 

We need to summon all of Lilly’s wonderfully delicious and succulent pussy yuice powers this weekend against those faggot cheaters from New England.  Every fiber of her perfect breast – as it expands in complexity from atom to areola surrounded in fluffy white bubble bounce – must be with us this weekend against King Douche, Bug Man Alien Moss and Judas Welker.  Her delicious ass must bounce around with grace and beauty in order for us to throttle these assholes.  It may very well be that the season is done for as far as the playoffs go.  If so, then let it be.  But there’s still a lot of great football play, opportunities to watch our team score touchdowns and for us to taste that sweet sweet nectar of victory as Belichick wonders the sidelines with that pleasing ‘I-am-this-close-to-shitting-my-own-pants’ pained look on his face.  Call me optimistic but I’m happy there’s still quite a lot of football left for us to watch this year.  Before long The Doldrums will be upon us yet again.

The Keys

–Pats are 0-4 on the road this year and in a place that has given so many headaches over the year, the moment is ripe to snatch another victory.  We know their record after the loss is formidable.  This is going to be an extremely tough game so we need to come out guns blazin’ and try our darndest to cheat off the Saints test paper.  Get up early, get fired up, show confidence in your plays and play to WIN and we have a shot at this.  We start looking at bit timid and they will bowl us over.
–I’m not even going to address the defensive situation because we know what needs to happen there.  Close the fucking game!
–More Wake, less Porter, more Clemons, more blitzes from the slot by Nate Jones.  Stop doing this Jekyll/Hyde defense we’ve been seeing all year long.
–Stop all the cute shit.  Ricky as Wildcat triggerman is weird.  I’m willing to deal with him running that up the middle and I’m considerably incensed by the idea that Pat White can do nothing else but come into the game and run 2 yards.  Why can’t he serve as the triggerman and let Ricky do the edge/motion play that he does so well?  Isn’t that what Pat White did in WV??  I swear to God these good college players always come to our team and it’s as if they forgot how to play football.
–Chad Henne must have his coming out party in this game.  It’s time.
–You must must must eliminate Brady’s passing lanes.  He is the best there’s ever been at sliding in the pocket and finding good angles to sling the ball in there.  New Orleans played this perfectly; I suspect Paul Pasqualoni will be doing a Sudoku puzzle on his play chart when presented with this circumstance.
–Run the fucking ball and eliminate the need for Chad Henne to throw anything more than 15 times.   He needs to remain Roethlisberger rookie year-esque and just let our running game.  We live and die by our running game, sadly enough.  I don’t see why we continue to veer from it.  It makes no fucking sense.
–For the love of Christ, Jesus, Satan, Santa Claus, The Watcher, Be-Bop and Rock Steady, and Ignatius J. Reilly, PLEASE double cover Moss.  Please give these young, talented rookies some help over the top so they don’t shred the living shit out of their confidence and shatter their dreams over the course of one season because a few guys think they’re doing an ‘outstanding job, k’.  They need help.  Nate Jones can take care of Welker and deal with the fact the guy is going to get his 10 catches.  I’d rather have a guy get 2 singles, a walk, a triple and one run scored than pitching to a juiced up Barry Bonds in 2002.  There are home run hitters and then there are guys that slowly chip away at you.  WALK THE HOME RUN HITTER.  That being said, they are 0-4 when Welker doesn’t get to 100 yards so I don’t know what the fuck we’re going to do.
–Another week where we need some no-name fucker to be the hero.  Who’s it going to be this week?  Kory Sperry?  Lex Hilliard?  or will Ted Ginn rise from the dead again??

Prediction: Dolphins 24 – Pats 0.  Pasqualoni smokes the bones of Jim Johnson like Method Man in ‘How High’ and becomes a defensive guru, rattling Brady all day.  Brady re-injures his knee and is taken out of the game.  We drub the fuckers at home like we did back in ‘06.  Fuck ‘em.

More info here.

Go Dolphins!

-DRK

Site News

There comes a time when one must spread their own wings and venture out on their own. For some, venturing out on their own could be moving out of Mom and Dad’s house. For others it’s going to college in a different town. For others, it’s starting their own business or getting a new job or career. For us at FN, it’s finding another place to talk about the Miami Dolphins, post pictures of tits and make lots n’ lots of dick jokes.

So, with that, we thought it was time to announce that FinsNation is breaking from MVN and going off on its own. Some of you might welcome this as good news. Some of you might not give a rat’s dick. Either way, the move is on, and DRK and I are pretty excited about it. The reasons for the break are various, but I wanted to let it be known that, unlike many of you crazy-ass monomaniacal bastards, we’re grateful for everything MVN has done for us over the past year and everything they’ve given us. They’ve given you down times, pop-up ads, lost comments, error pages and countless hours of unrelenting frustration. Okay, they’ve given us that too. But, we are grateful to the entire MVN team and network for the opportunity to showcase our goofy shit to a wider audience on these here Interwebs and Google machines and, quite frankly, for footing the bill with the hosting and taking care of the technical stuff so that we could be free to write without worrying about all that crap. We wish them all the best. Truly and honestly.

But it’s time.

So expect the new digs to arrive around the beginning of the new year and thereabouts. Just a forewarning: There might be a day or so of downtime as we transfer our archives and get settled in and shit, so be patient. Assholes. We love you.

Personnel Decisions As Of Late Have Left Me A Little ‘Batty’

posted by DatRoro Kid

It increasingly seems that the cool, calm demeanor that characterized last season’s inaugural effort by the TITS regime has gone the way of the shithouse ever since our successful 2008 campaign.  I don’t know about you, but once Captain Balls went down with the shoulder injury, things have seemed a bit ‘off’ in DolphinLand – perhaps even before that.  While true that we likely have a second coming of Surtain-Madison in Davis-Smith, I’m still a bit suspect of some of the selections of the 2009 Draft.  

At the time, we praised the pick of Pat White, questioned Vontae Davis when Hakeem Nicks was still on the board and weren’t too impressed with some of the other selections (Nalbone and Turner come to mind).   Our job is to be wrong on these things because A) we are not professional NFL evaluators and probably know more about sitting in our underwear and eating chocolate ice cream than football and B) we don’t have access to the inside knowledge and information regarding the state of our team and how external pieces will fit into the puzzle once added.  So judging by the evidence we’re seeing on the field, the 2009 Draft has not exactly shaped up the way we thought it would.

In addition, there’s the curious lack of aggressiveness by the FO to acquire any IMPACT free agents at the WR position – a position we clearly needed help with particularly if you’re going to assume Chad Pennington won’t make it through 2 full seasons (think Boldin or making a play for a disgruntled Brandon Marshall when the Broncos were in “cleaning house” mode).  We also didn’t make a play for Chris Chambers – a veteran receiver neither one of us shitheads at FN particularly likes but all of a sudden that asshole has a TD in every game he’s played.  Why wasn’t enough research done on that?  There’s the circus surrounding Matt Roth and the straight up cutting of a young LB who just had a big week (7 tackles, 1 sack) with his new team, the Browns.  Now there’s Nate Garner starting for a recent big OL free agent pickup in Justin Smiley on a line where you’re paying $156 million for this unit to be outstanding where it has been largely pedestrian.  Your other big pickup on that line (Jake Grove) is about to miss 2 games during a crucial run when you need him healthy the most. 

Last year it seemed the FO was extremely active – signing the failure that was Wilford, getting Smiley and trying to sign Calvin Pace – while this year it seems to me that the FO has been largely invisible and given to sitting on its hands.  I understand that in today’s NFL you need to build through the draft, but I think that’s a good place to get some depth and get lucky on some impact talent here and there.  But today’s NFL is also a system of fucking STARS and if you do not have capable, reliable playmakers week in, week out in all 3 phases then – you guessed it – you are TOTALLY HOSED.  Right now the FO looks lost to me.  There is a sense of panic and poor decision-making, even on the field on a consistent basis.

Bottom line is:  Here’s to hoping that Dolphins FO won’t be so reticent and reluctant to pull the trigger and spend some cash if stars (*cough* Wilfork *cough*) become available in free agency and I’m hoping they can get their act together a little better come draft day.  I understand the nearly 10 years of previous ineptitude will take quite some time to make right, but we should be accelerating that process and infusing catalytic talent into our team ASAP; not continuing the trend of poor decision-making.