52 passes. Fifty-two. Attempting 52 passes in an NFL game would kill most men, if not have their arms literally fall off the bone. But not Chad Henne. Because Chad Henne is clearly the most insanely badass motherfuckin robot to ever roam the planet.
And it was with his 52 passes, 355-yards, 2 touchdown performance that The Robot established an astonishing ability to use Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots ballsacks as a speed bag in what now ranks as one of the most satisfying wins of the season (right up there with sweeping the Jets).
When the Patriots took that quick two-touchdown lead, and Henne went all “Missile-Arm Mode” and overthrew the entire Dolphins receiving corps, resulting in that Brandon Meriweather INT, I was about ready to call it a day, walk out of my home, hitchhike to the Everglades, find a field of daises, and take a giant shit on it. But somewhere in the second quarter, staring down the barrel of a 14-0 deficit, The Robot shifted to “Fuck This Noise” mode and led the Fins on a 10-play, 88-yard drive that culminated with Davone Bess’ 13-yard touchdown.
And then, it was as if the rest of the team was bitch-slapped by The Robot himself — jarred awake to get up and fight. It was as if Chad Henne had become William Wallace, except instead of bagpipes and a sword, he has gigantic metallic balls and a heat-ray that can melt your face off.
Everyone stepped the fuck up. And it was beautiful.
When the Dark Lord of the Douche decided to show us what a genius he is by going for the first-down instead of kicking a field goal from the Miami 6-yard line, the Fins front seven stepped up and force-fed Sammy Morris a heaping spoonful of cock, stuffing him for no gain and turning the ball over on downs. When the Patriots were again threatening to score from the Miami 5-yard line later in the game, Vontae Davis went all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, launching himself into the air, snatching the ball out of the sky for the interception, coming down in slow motion, spinning three times mid-air and shoving a railroad spike up Randy Moss’ ass. When the Fins needed a receiver to step up and deliver a giant sack of dicks to the New England secondary, it was Davone Bess and his 10 reception, 117-yard, 1 touchdown performance that did the trick. Shit, even Ted Ginn got in on the good times with two huge 3rd down catches. Ted! Fucking! Ginn!
Such is the power of the 52 passes.
Yes, he still needs to work on his accuracy (that missed pass to a wide open Lousaka Polite almost ruined mine and some random dude’s balls for the week). Yes, he needs to stop staring down his targets (he’s a robot from the 50s, and thus is not equipped with the latest technically advanced guidance systems most modern day robotic weapons possess). Yes he needs to work on getting his passes through his throwing lanes without having them batted down (seriously, Chad, you’re going to kill someone one day when one of your errant 198 MPH passes hits a defensive lineman in the face). But yesterday’s big tits performance signaled one thing — if you didn’t believe before, you best believe now.
The Robot has arrived. And he will harvest your organs for the coming robotic overlords who will soon take over our planet it all started with his 52 passes, right down the Patriots’ throats.
The Robot kept us alive and in the playoff (and AFC East) hunt. He blasted the Patriots in the face with his heat ray bazooka to the tune of an epic 355 yard, two touchdown performance. And then said nasty things about their mothers for good measure. Because fuck them.
Gigantic metallic balls? Gigantic metallic balls.