Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Super Bloggin It

 

What up, Nation. Just wanted to give you a heads up and quick plug at my newest gig. The fine folks at CBSSports.com have asked me to be their official Super Bowl XLIV blogger. That's right. Someone over at CBS Sports has done gone batshit and decided to pay Captain Dickjokes and Lover Of Big Giant Tits Pics the keys to their Super Bowl bloggy franchise.

So come on by and check it out and see if I can manage to post two weeks straight without writing the word "FUCK" or "COCK" or "TITS." Should be interesting! 

Seriously though, I'll be posting daily (some of the FN faithful have already invaded the comments there (*cough* Tom-Ass *cough*) and I'll will be covering the Super Bowl from all kinds of angles with my usual undeniable repartee and wit (i.e. my dumb-ass jokes).

Bang it here to join the festivities. 

Thanks for your support, and please think nothing of the fact that I have a mouth other than my own to feed.

Update: You guys crack me up.... If you do comment there, please try and keep the commenting within a PG rating. You can save all your crude dick-jokey comments for here at FinsNation. Word.  

Pretty Soon Entire AFC Pro Bowl Team Will Be Manned By Dolphins

Dolphins placekicker Dan Carpenter has been named a replacement starter in this weekend's Pro Bowl.  Carpenter will replace Elvin kicker/Jet ally Nate Kaeding, who has pulled out of the game.  I'm taking a leap of faith here in assuming that A) you give a shit about the Pro Bowl at all and B) you care that one of the better players from our 2009 season was given the 'honor' of participating in this sleep-inducing event.  It's starting to become clear to me - after Yeremiah was named and maybe Automatic Polite ends up in it - that Dolphins players will be asked to participate with greater frequency during any and all years the Pro Bowl is hosted in soon-to-be-named FinsNation Stadium. 

I don't know about you, but with the game not in Hawaii anymore and the allure of bringing families, teammates and mistresses on a bonafide 'vacation', it feels like we're going to see a lot more dropouts and a lot more Dolphins involved in the game.  It's just geographically sound logic that will be available to Dolphins players should they be interested. You can fly to Miami from pretty much anywhere in the country for under $300 and there's a few motels along SW 8th St that I would recommend as options in case you wanted to save a few bucks and/or enjoy a night where you may or may not hear someone being murdered in the next room.  This is not so much the case with Hawaii.  Hawaii is a real vacation that these players would use as a means of showing gratitude to their ever-extending families and sweet roadbeef they've assimilated.  Check out Memorial Day weekend on South Beach and you tell me how much easier/cheaper it is to walk the street of Collins Ave than it is to enjoy the scene in Waikīkī.  It's a bigger, badder trip that players figure is worth loosely sacrificing their bodies for.

So if come Sunday, you see Gibril Wilson trot out there with the starting defense, don't say I didn't warn you.

The Right Arm of God Can Rock a Cosby Sweater Like It's Nobody's Business

The video above is the halftime show during the 1984 NFC Championship game between the 49ers and Bears. Brent Musberger (Jesus how old is that fucker?) and Dick Vermeil go over the highlights of the day's previous game: The AFC Championship -- where Dan Marino put a severe cockpunch on his hometown Steelers to earn a trip to the Super Bowl.

It's was only Marino's second season, and already he was skull fucking the record books with extreme prejudice (and without the help of painkillers mind you!). And I mean Goddamn! Look at that lightning-quick release! Look at the flawlessness and fluidity of his passes! I was just a little pecker head then, but I still remember getting chills watching him slice and dice the Steelers. Vermeil's analysis pretty much says it all.

The clip ends with Marino being interviewed by Terry Bradshaw. And you can just feel the anticipation of this baby faced kid's eventual record-breaking Hall of Fame career. At the end of it, Bradshaw asks Marino to be honest about who he'd like to face in the Super Bowl. Marino sheepishly says the Bears, because his former Pitt lineman Jimbo Covert plays on Chicago's offensive line. But Marino really said the Bears because he knew that '84 49ers team was a damn juggernaut. I guess what I'm trying to say is, fuck you with a hornets nest 1984 Bears!!!

(video via Mark Duper's facebook)

Link Dump

 

Feels good to wake up to a Jets/Favre-free morning. Seriously, that little run by those green fucks was ruining life like nothing else. I can't tell you how many times I'd have to compose myself from beating the ever living shit out of their fuck stain fans the last few weeks (they exist down here by the thousands... like a fucking pestilence). Of course, as is always the case with those shit sticks, not a peep from them the day after. Classic textbook pussery. For all the talk about how Saints fans have been the most deserving to get to the Big Dance, Jets fans are on the other side of that spectrum. And today they're fucking miserable. In pain. Depressed. Distraught. Inconsolable. And it's quite delightful. Fuck them all with a rusty hedge trimmer. 

And now.... on to the Link Dump:

• Looks like Aaron Rodgers is going to have his spleen dislodged on Sunday because..... Yeremiah Bell is going to the Pro Bowl! Muthafuckaaaaaaa!!!1! (he's reportedly replacing Antoine Bathea (the Colts winning is the gift that keeps on giving!)
• Hate to agree with Armando. But the man is right. The NFL is a passing league, and the Dolphins need to get out of their 1980's Ground-And-Pound-No-Elite-Receivers-But-A-Shitload-Of-Tight-Ends Building Model and get with it. 
• Dave Hyde concurs.
• Just a reminder that we played both Super Bowl teams and almost beat them! Weeeeee!!
• The NT position is fairly deep in this year's draft. And Sparano and his crew have first crack at them.
• Love him or hate him, Peyton will now always have a special place in our hearts (much like his little brother, actually). I love the passive-aggressive post game smack he laid on the Jets last night. Cut that meat, you gangly awshucks laser rocket arm, motherfucker. Cut. That. Meat.
• Inbred troglodytic fucks. Every last one of them.
• And one more time! Their tears are delicious.

You Saw This Coming

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!

/ sucks Satan's cock

// commits seppuku

 

As always:

 

 

Weekender: I Actually Know Her Edition!

 

The Dude asked me to do the Weekender today and this often proves to be a double-edged sword.  I typically love it because it's free reign to talk about whatever I feel like vomiting out of my mouth and send my favorite people in the world off into the weekend with some wisdom and hotness.  Conversely, I hate it because it requires me to obsess about the proper Weekender Girl and corresponding photo for way more time than I should.  In lieu of this I've opted to eschew the supermodels for a week and go with someone I actually know.

Some backstory:  A couple weeks ago a friend called and let me know she was hanging at a certain Brooklyn bar with a couple of her friends, one of which was a 'totally hot blonde with big tits'.  Of course, this inspired me to get off my ass despite the stomach full of slow roasted, marinated chicken I'd made/devoured (The Dude has tasted its sweet nectar) and head out.  Low and behold this chick was, in fact, scorching; more so than even the pic above depicts.  She is probably about 5'5", thin and ALL TIT with a snarky attitude to boot.  Amazing.  We stayed out with her and a couple of other friends into the wee hours then returned to my place for the afterparty (my roommate and I have the default afterparty apartment amongst our friends, for better or worse).  Unfortunately, along with her fine, little self she brought along some shitty hipster dude that she's been 'seeing' as of recently.  Did DRK end up hitting this that night?  No.  But I can assure you I'm on the case and will - at the very least - add her to my canon of fine female friends.  The lesson here is:  if you can't hit that gash, you'd be wise to retain her as a friend for the simple fact that fine females sometimes travel in packs.  Therefore, your fine female friends will, in turn, have OTHER fine female friends that will be totally ripe as fuck for you to pillage and far enough removed where it isn't that huge a deal should it go sour.  It's the conditional draft pick of dating.  IT'S SCIENCE!!!

Happy hunting, Nation, and GO COLTS!!!

Let The Draft Talk Commence! (sigh)

 

Two weeks ago, NOBODY was talking about Rolando McClain as the guy the Dolphins need to target in the draft. It was all Dez Bryant this and Dez Bryant that with a little Brandon Spikes thrown in for good measure. But then I tweeted this on my twatter and suddenly everybody's talking about us drafting McClain. From fans to talk radio to Mel Kiper Jr. to Armando Salguero. And that can only mean one thing. There's no way in shitsville we're going to land McClain now. Fuck. Me.

I blame myself. Feel free to tell me to eat a bowl of dicks and to fuck myself with a shoehorn.

So, yea, Kiper thinks we're going to land McClain. This, of course, is the first of his many mock drafts to come. And, as much as I hate to agree with Armando, there is that lingering feeling that Denver will snatch him up before us. Then again, Josh McDaniels is a man-child retard, so you never know.

Instead, Armando points us to Bucky Brooks of NFL.com. Bucky has us taking LB Sergio Kindle from Texas.

Kindle is an OLB, and a pretty excellent edge pass rusher. Of course, we do have Cameron Wake. Of course, having Wake and Kindle on the field at the same time would be pretty cool.

There's also free agency, where you never know what might happen (although, if I could take a guess, the Fins will throw a shitload of money to a guy with a history of injuries who will be on IR by Week 12 of the 2010 season. Yay!!)

I say fuck it. Let's trade up to keep Die Hard out of Denver's shitty little hands. OR let's move up even higher to grab Gerald McCoy or, my personal favorite player of this draft (yes, even more than McClain), Eric Berry.

I know it's early. I know the season isn't even over yet. I know that a lot can happen between now and April. But a man can dream, dammit! A MAN CAN DREAM! That's what the blue kitty people from Avatar taught me, anyway. And that movie's made like a bagillion dollars, so they should know.

Zombie Goth Jets Fan Begs Satan For Unlikely Win

Dearest Satan,

Oh, Prince of Darkness, Ruler of the Underworld, Anus Smelting Hellbeast, Mephisto, Master of all that is Hateful and Wrong with this Flawed World of Ours including the destruction of Haiti, the Genocide in Sudan and the Absurdity that has been the Continuance of our Season...

PLEASE.

I beseech you, now, when our journey appears to be fraught with actual, you know, viable competition that you provide us with more assistance than you have in the last bullshit-laden 4 games.  Nevermind that our offense resembles that of the Tamiami Colts or that we have received Jordan-esque inspired play from only ONE player on our team while other, costly players drop passes in the endzone or our QB couldn't start for the Columbus Explorers JV squad.  Please overlook the fact that our too-eager-to-celebrate-like-a-goddamn-faggot QB jumps around like a spry satyr awaiting your molten lava jizz so he can eagerly guzzle it and ask "please sir...may I have sum'more" like some goddamn Tiny Tim jizz addict.  Watch as he celebrates without having contributed anything even slightly positive and, in reality, is no better than Jamarcus Russell except for the fact that he's, well, white so ridiculous adjectives are consistently bestowed upon him by aging mainstream media fuckheads to describe his less-than-pedestrian play.

It is now more than ever, my Lord, that we - all the man-milking, child-fucking, retarded minions of the New York Jets - implore you to aid us against Peyton Manning and the Colts to pull off another victory.  Without your DIRECT assistance, Satan, there is ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING WAY we will emerge victorious and on to the Super Bowl.  If that world were to exist - one in which the Jets have even a semblance of a chance of winning a Super Bowl - then it would be the equivalent 10,000 Haitian earthquakes, Ebola virus directly up the asses of every preschool child in the free world and the immediate deletion of all juicy pussies and big, bouncy tits from all the beautiful bitches of Mother Earth.

WE JETS FANS WOULD WELCOME THIS WORLD, DARK OVERLORD, AS WE ALL PREFER COPIOUS WARM JIZZ DOWN OUR THROATS FLOWING DIRECTLY INTO OUR MOUTHS FROM YOUR HELLACIOUS CUM VOLCANO!!!
 

J. I. Z. Z.  JIZZ! JIZZ! JIZZ!

Mike Nolan Can Add 'Dolphins Defensive Coordinator' Along With 'Sharp Dresser,' 'Badass' To His Resume

 

Just when we thought we would have to settle for one of Bill Parcells' hobo friends who panhandle on 441 to run our defense, the Broncos up and let Mike Nolan leave Denver and now he's our new defensive coordinator. Shit and yes. 

Nolan coached the 49ers and while there drafted Patrick Willis. That alone makes him the greatest hire we could have possibly gotten. In fact, that's pretty much how the entire interview would have gone had I been running shit. "You drafted Patrick Willis, right?" "Yes." Ping. New defensive coordinator.

Nolan was defensive coordinator with the Ravens (2002-04) and Jets (2000) as well as the Giants and Redskins. He runs the 3-4 and is credited for turning around Denver's defense last year and doing it with a shitload of ex-Dolphins players. He takes over a Fins defense that allowed 390 points last season. Most importantly right now, he's on board just in time to travel with the rest of the staff as they prepare to coach the South squad in the Senior Bowl next week.

And nothing could be more badass than that. Except perhaps me with a mustache. And leather pants. 

Mike Nolan Could Be Our Guy

Pro Football Talk is reporting that former 49ers HC and recent Broncos DC Mike Nolan is scheduled to interview for the vacant DC job with our Dolphins.  Nolan and the Broncos agreed to part ways after a one and done 2009 season where Nolan switched the Broncos to a 3-4 and helped improve their defensive rank from 29th in 2008 to 7th in 2009.  This is finally some positive news for us after Groh and Butler both apparently rejected offers from Miami and will give us a crack at a DC with some pedigree and talent.  Nolan was the DC for the Ravens during some particularly boner-inducing years during the early aughts (2001-2004) and before that was the DC of the Jets in 2000 when The Cockpuncher was the Jets GM.  This is a nice turnaround for us and there's even a comment within that link that seems to endorse this move:

To wit: Nolan took the Broncos from a DVOA of 24.7% in 2008 to -7.9% in 2009. 
 

I have little idea or desire to find out what that precisely delineates in real terms but it sure looks like it means something good!