Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Some Fins Players Are Puzzled

 

Tim Graham of ESPN (not this Tim Graham, who is now the world's most popular Australian thanks to Ethan Skolnick) says that there are some Dolphins players that are confused by yesterday's Incognito signing:

Three Dolphins players I've spoken with since the team signed Incognito to a one-year contract expressed intrigue over the move. In general, they like his ability and versatility. But the players claim Incognito's arrival undercuts what football operations boss Bill Parcells and head coach Tony Sparano have preached about character since they took over the team.  

"I think he'll make our line better," one Dolphins player said. "But I don't get it. What he represents goes against everything they've been telling us." 

Well this seems to be off to a splendid start. But I'd have to think that Sparano and Parcells know what they're doing. And if anyone can straighten this guy out and keep him in line, it's someone like Sparano, whose primary area of expertise is the offensive line. And if anyone has the final say on the whole Incognito thing, it's gonna be Sparano.

As for me, I don't know much about offensive line play or blocking techniques, so it's hard for me to have a real opinion on the matter. However, I do know tricks to astound the eyes and dazzle the mind. And by that I mean I'm a kickass peek-a-boo player. Also, I know how to make a nickel re-appear behind your ear. RAZZA-MA-TAAZZ!!

This is what happens when The Robot tries to be human....

 

The one time Chad Henne shows the merest glimpse of a human side (in this case, stating an opinion), the Internet explodes!

K-PLOW!!, KA-Boom!!, BLAMM!!, Ka-Bloooosshhh!!!, Ka-blewwwy!!, KA-PLOWBOOMBLAM!

Needless to say, Gators fans are all pissy over this on comment boards across America. And while I understand there are a lot of Gators fans that visit FN, and I understand Tebow is a legend and hero to many of you, I would like to say this with all due respect: CHILL THE FUCK OUT, YOU FUCKIN LOONS!

The man gave his opinion, for shitsake. And thanks to your pavlovian zombie reaction anytime anyone anywhere has anything negative to say about your precious Saint Timmy, this will be the last time we ever get an opinion from Chad Henne about anything at all ever. And I for one would like to know what he thinks of tacos! Also, if we ever need him to reveal to us what our robot overlords weaknesses are before they invade us to harvest our organs, it would be wise not to piss him off.

I don't know if Tim Tebow will make it as an NFL quarterback any more than you or Chad Henne do. And frankly, I don't give a shit. Either way, whatever. The man gave an opinion. Fucking llama turds, people, relax. 

Incognitoed

 

Coming as a shock to absolutely no one, the Dolphins have agreed to terms with free agent offensive lineman Richie Incognito.

The Herald says the deal is worth around a million bucks for one season, which is actually pretty fucking kickass. There will be incentives if Incognito starts and then proceeds to blow people's faces off their skulls. Look for him to land the right guard slot. 

All in all, it's a real nice scoop by the FO. If Incognito plays up to his potential, we're gonna have a badass offensive line. He's just 26 and he's a mauler in the trenches. I mean, look at the guy. He has serial brain eater written all over him.

Some people might be afraid that Incognito could lose his shit (as he's prone to do) and cause a ruckus in the locker room or on the field. But that's why the million dollar signing makes it such a bargain. It's a risk/reward scenario that could potentially work out great. A million dollars is nothing in the NFL. Still, some people won't believe he's worth it til he shows he's matured. Just like some people don't believe I'm a handsome devil. But here I am, staring at you with my Handsome Devil squinty eyes. Ta-DA! **HANDSOME DEVIILLL!!!!**

Dolphins to Open New 'Jets Stadium' With A Jets Loss???

Amidst the usual confusing Mike Florio-isms in this PFT post is this little nugget:

Typically, the Monday night twin-bill features division rivals. Last year, the Patriots hosted the Bills and the Raiders hosted the Chargers. The prior year, the Packers hosted the Vikings and the Raiders hosted the Broncos. Before that, the Bengals hosted the Ravens and the 49ers hosted the Cardinals.

Our guess? It'll be Dolphins-Jets in Week One, ten years after the two teams got together on Monday night for one of the all-time classic prime-time games.

I'm gonna go on record and say that's a safe bet, despite the source.  Given all the drama surrounding their fuckin' fatso head coach, the way we have OWNED THEIR ASSES the last 3 times and the opening of the new stadium, I can't picture a better way for the NFL to kickoff the MNF season than in New York New Jersey with a fired up crowd.  If that's the case, this will be one hell of a way to kick off the 2010 season for us with a road WIN in Shitsville USA and the opportunity to avoid a late season cold weather city.  I mean, it wouldn't really matter much because we are out for fucking blood in 2010 but, hey, it's just nicer in Miami later in the year.  Believe dat.

A quick note of thanks

 

Just wanted to thank The Nation for all the birthday wishes, e-mails, messages, tweets and comments yesterday. You guys are a bunch of crazy fuckers. And I love you all. A special thanks to DRK, who not only put up that kick-ass post yesterday, but for also texting me at 7:30 in the morning to be sure to be the first to wish me a happy birthday. My mom wants to kick his ass now. DRK is awesome. He's Roger Sterling. He's the balls. My love for the man is mutual. And I mean that in the gayest way imaginable. 

Not great having a birthday in the middle of a work week, so I plan on getting my shit fucked up good and proper this weekend. Yes, it will involve copious amounts of scotch. Yes, it will involve tits. Just thought you all should know.

Thanks again, everyone. Especially you, Lady Phin ;) 

Much love.

The Dude

Happy Birthday to El Capitan!!!

Just because we're firmly esconced in The Doldrums doesn't mean we can't celebrate momentous occasions.  Today is the birthday of one Captain Dickjoke around here so I implore you to wish him copious sloppy, ballsack-massaging blowjobs til his dying day and beyond, several J&B's on the rocks and whatever else that fuckin' sicko is into (a trip to Tootsie's perhaps???).  I was watching this National Geographic special last night on the plight, trajectory and survivability of sperm and - motherfuck me - I could not picture a more perfect way that our fearless leader could have been conceived.  He is the Alpha Jizz.  So please make it your mission today to give some love to the man that gives us the good laughs every day (well, during the season anyway) and ensures there is an online refuge for boobies and Dolphins-related dickjokery.  I love him like a brother.  HE COMPLETES ME!!!

Quick Aside:  HA-HA!!.  Must rrrreeeeeaaaallllyyyy suck to be second-class citizens in your own fucking stadium, you pieces of shit.

Dolphins To Go..... Incognito??

 

The Dolphins are reportedly bringing in unrestricted free agent offensive lineman Richie Incognito for a visit this week. The Fins are looking to shore up the right guard position and Incognito is a young player with a lot of upside. He's known to be an intense competitor. Also, he's known for being a dick.

Incognito was drafted by the Rams and played in nine games for them last year. Then, during a game where the Rams were getting walloped by the Titans, Incognito lost his shit and started head butting everybody in sight. He was called for two 15-yard personal foul penalties and then got into a verbal brouhaha with his head coach on the sidelines. He was also voted as the 7th dirtiest player in the NFL in last year's Sports Illustrated's players-poll. He's also been warned by the NFL that future infractions might lead to a suspension. Oh and he was once arrested on assault charges and had to withdraw from playing for Nebraska in college after being suspended for a bunch of dumb shit. 

So apparently, the Dolphins refuse to even consider a guy like Brandon Marshall (or Dez Bryant?) but have no qualms about bringing in a Godzilla-sized dick like Richie Incognito. But they have a pressing need at right guard! Yes, but they have an equally -- some might even say greater -- need at wide receiver! Don't they understand this?! The fuck is going on?! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!

Keep in Mind, He's Been Known to Beat a Woman...

 

 As Antonio Bryant flies off the board for way above his justifiable value and teams not named 'Miami Dolphins' continue to make some free agency noise in the WR world, would you do anything for love like Meatloaf??? 

Or would you not do THAT??

Having seen this bad motherfucker play, I'm almost tempted to say he's worth that #12 or at the very least some swap of picks with Denver (maybe their 2nd and Marshall for our 1st and a 4th??).  You know he's out there for a semi-reasonable price.  But will he still be the same once all that cash is piled up in his bank account??

Hmmm...

 

Punch cancer in the d-ck, Mad Dog

 

Jim Mandich is battling cancer. Bad news for cancer. The former Dolphins tight end and legendary Dolphins sportscaster announced yesterday that he is currently receiving chemotherapy. He says his days as a radio show host are over, but plans to keep calling Dolphins games. As soon as he's done kicking cancer's ass.

And, seriously, how can you not have the Mad Dog calling Fins games? How can you not have him dropping a "Ricky Williams just flew into the endzone like a bottlerocket on the Fourth of July, babaaay!!" on our asses on a weekly basis. And NO Dolphins highlight is complete without a shitload of, "AWWRIGHT MIAAAMIII!!!!" from the man.

A Dolphins game without the Mad Dog is like watching Avatar without the 3-D glasses. Just doesn't work, man!! 

So get well soon, Mad Dog! The Nation sends its prayers and well wishes. See you in August!

A Quick Breakdown of the FA Landscape

With the signing of Dansby on Saturday, we figured we could focus all our attention on securing a decent FS with Rolle signing a completely fucking ridiculous contract with the Giants and the Dolphins looking into possible alternatives to fill that hole.  However, being that it's the Dolphins, we can only experience wonderful situations in conjunction with absolutely shitastic random occurrences that can aptly sum up our collective experience.  Of course, it breaks Saturday night that fucking Jason Ferguson (who was still a UFA but seemed likely to re-sign with us) gets busted for using PEDs and will now be suspended for the first 8 games of 2010.  Fucking wonderful. Next time, I would prefer if news like this is accompanied by a delicious strawberry cheesecake that is only revealed to contain dog, horse, ferret, rabbit and turtle shit upon the first bite.  Then, you can go ahead and throw said cake in my goddamn face and/or rub it in my mom's tits.  Please.  Fuck!

With that lovely bit of news in mind, let's look at what's left out there:

• Obviously, priority #1 now becomes (not a respectable free agent FS like a normal team) some serviceable option at NT that can definitely survive - at the very least - the first 5 or 6 games of the 2010 campaign until a NT we draft can become NFL-ready.  Jamal Williams, released by the Chargers, certainly seems to fit that mold for the time being.  He's big enough for this defense and he's been pretty healthy most of his career with the exception of last year.  He's old, sure, but he's currently the only guy without a team out there that could fit this position rapidly.  However, word is the Chargers intend to resign Williams for the right price so we'd need to move quickly and be ok with paying above-market prices for his services.  There are also rumors that Shaun Rogers would be available for the right price, a guy that I'm not too crazy about due to his tendency to disappear and ignore his basic plugging assignments but he's younger and can be a force in the middle.  Bottom line is we need SOMEONE in there in order for Dansby to be effective and not have RBs consistently puncture our defense into the 2nd and 3rd levels.  We'd have to trade for Rogers but we could package some late round picks and maybe (though I would prefer not to) Tyler Thigpen.
• On the FS front, it was clear after Rolle's record-breaking contract that all attention would focus on Ryan Clark.  Well, buckle up because Clark arrived into Ft Laudy on Sunday and he's intent on not making any other trips judging by his comments.  Atogwe is also out there and the Rams made him the lowest possible tender at $1.23 mil.  Therefore, teams can make an offer to Atogwe until April 15 that beats the Rams tender.  The Rams can then match that but we can install a 'poison pill' to combat that.  If no one makes an offer, the Rams have until June 1 to pay him 110% of his 2009 salary.  If they don't, he becomes a UFA on June 1.  I'm sleepy.
• Drew Rosenhaus said on last night's WSVN show that he thinks Dolphins will add some interior lineman to compliment Thomas and Smiley - two guys that definitely wore down some as the season ended and who haven't stayed healthy for a full 16 games in either season they've been with us.  He also expects us to make some play for a UFA WR still out there.  (All via Mike Berardino's twitter, which I can't link to now.  Sorry, Mike)
• Eva Amurri has great tits.

Let's see what this week brings.  Hopefully we can get Ryan Clark signed up before he leaves town.  Tootsie's strippers to the rescue!!!!!