Well this was a shit day if I ever had one. While the Bears and Jets and Seahawks have been active, looking to improve their weaknesses and getting themselves some playmakers, the Dolphins did absolutely shit during the first day of free agency. Well, they hosted Karlos Dansby and they signed SirVincent Rogers. Oh and we released Joey Porter and Akin Ayodele. So there was that.
Meanwhile, the Ravens got their quarterback a receiver, trading their 3rd and 4th rounders to the Cardinals for Anquan Boldin.
Seattle is making moves to trade for Brandon Marshall.
Oh but hey, rumors have us linked to 867 year old Derrick Mason! Fantastic!
Anyway, we leave you with Weekender Girl Audrina Patridge. She's from MTV's The Hills. I can honestly say I have never watched a single frame of that show. But now that I've been introduced to her tits, I can say that I will gladly stab any man who keeps me from watching this show whenever it airs in the scrotum with a ballpoint pen. Don't say I never warned you!
For those of you wondering why no pics of boobies here for our annual Free Agency Post, I received a few e-mails asking to not do that for this particular post from some who read us at work. No need to have dudes lose their jobs just because they keep checking in to see the updates and the boss man sees giant titties protruding from their computer screens. The tits will come later. We promise. For now, we'll update the news as we get it. Feel free to do the same. Besides, a pic of Ronnie Brown fucking up the Jets is just as good as tits, if not better. Sorta.
5:43: Dansby Update, 3: Dansby visited with the Fins this afternoon, and is apparently the only free agent player who will visit with the team today. This, along with them releasing Porter and Ayodele means they're going in as aggressively as some have reported.Salguero thinks the Dansby deal is theirs to lose. I'm not wearing any pants.
3:49: So apparently, judging from all the comments and e-mails I've gotten in my inbox, a shitload of you are Ryan Clark fans. For those of you who aren't familiar with Clark: Salguero says the Fins are talking about Clark as a fallback option if they lose out on Rolle. Clark played safety for the Steelers, had 89 tackles last year and 3 INTs. Would be a solid backup plan, I think. SO NOW YOU CAN STOP EMAILING ME!!!
3:18 Dansby Update, 2 (sorta): Julius Peppers has signed with the Chicago Bears. This is significant because the initial report is that it's 6-years, $40 million, and that would set the market for Dansby. It's also significant because we're now likely going to end up in a bidding war with the Redskins over this guy. And that sucks because it means we won't be making the highest bid. But, hey, SirVincent Rogers! Weeeee!!
3:00: Omar Kelly tweeted that we've signed OT SirVincent Rogers. If this is all that happens today, I'm going to shit into a used Amazon.com box, tape it up, and FedEx it to 7500 SW 30th Street, Davie FL 33314.
Free agency starts tonight at 12:01. That means a couple of things. First off, keep it here all day Friday as we report any news and updates throughout the day, and then watch as we close out the day with a pic of some hot babe with awesome tits. Ka-BLAM!
It also means we could have at least one of two Arizona Cardinals (or, as the picture above would suggest, both!) in a Dolphins uniform. Antrel Rolle was released today. This is notable because we currently have a big giant sack of fail named Gibril Wilson at safety and Rolle would enhance the chances of never seeing that shitface on the field as a Dolphin ever again.
And then there's Karlos.
The National Football Post is reporting that Karlos Dansby will be boarding a plane headed for Miami tonight. If the National Football Post is trying to piss people off, this is clearly the way to go. If this news turns out to be fake, then they might as well come to my house, ring the doorbell, tell me it's a candy gram and then throw a rabid ferret in my face when I open the door.
As I've stated before, I would love to see us land Karlos Dansby tomorrow. Would love to see him wrecking shit on the field at Sun Life Stadium next season. Would love to have a linebacker that can make plays and destroy motherfuckers who try and score on our team (I've seriously forgotten what that looks like).
But he's clearly the top FA this off-season, which means he's going to go to the highest bidder. That will probably be Dan Snyder's Redskins. Fuckin Snyder. Dude shits gold nickels. I'd say the Skins are the favorites because they have the money and they've just recently switched to a 3-4 defense, basically because all the other kids are doing it. So it stands to reason that KD will end up there.
Like I said before, I think Dansby is the real deal. He's a Pro Bowl caliber talent and would excel in Miami under Sparano and Nolan. Plus signing him would free shit up for us to go in another direction with our 12th pick. Or, we can still use the pick to select McClain or Kindle and add them along with Dansby and officially have ourselves a serious fucking ballsack destroying linebacking corps. But Parcells won't get into a bidding war with the Daniel Snyder's of the world. So it's probably a good idea to not get our hopes up here.
Dansby is likely going to ask for $30 million-plus in guaranteed money. In other words, I have a better chance of dying by accidental suffocation in Audrina Partridge's tits than seeing Karlos Dansby in a Miami Dolphins uniform. I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds fascinatingly awesome!
First of all, sorry about the lack of posts around here lately. I'd like to tell you the reason for that is because I'm Batman. But the real reason is that there just hasn't been anything of much interest to talk about. So, sorry. About not being Batman, I mean. I know a lot of you are disappointed.
Anyway, we're hours away from the start of Free Agency. So.... no more fucking around. Onto the first news item of the day:
The Fins have placed a first-round tender on Ronnie Brown. This means Miami saves about a million bucks. This also means if another team wants to sign Ronnie, it can do so but it will have to cough up a first round pick. This also means DRK is sitting at his cubicle at work, staring at pictures of Ronnie on Google Images, and weeping silently to himself.
Personally, I don't see anyone giving up a first for Ronnie. So, that's good news. Not so good news, the Browns placed a second-round tender on Matt Roth. What in baby goat shit happened between the Dolphins and Roth!!?? It's one of the greatest unsolved mysteries the world has ever known. Like the Bermuda Triangle. And by "Bermuda Triangle" I mean a woman's vagina. Amerite, fellas??
A lot of mock drafts have Rolando McClain going to the Fins at 12. And while I was among the first to rally for us to take Die Hard with our first pick, I have to say that I've been warming up more and more towards Texas LB Sergio Kindle.
And NFL Network Draft Guru Mike "This Guy Has A Heckuva Motor" Mayock agrees with me.
“I’m hearing a lot of people talking about McClain vs. an outside linebacker, etc,” Mayock said on a media teleconference this afternoon. “To me in that 3-4 defense, I think the outside linebacker is more important. So if Sergio Kindle is there at 12, I pull the trigger on Sergio Kindle. I think he’ s an explosive edge rusher and I think he would instantly upgrade that team.”
Makes sense. Mayock has Kindle ranked well above McClain, and it's hard to argue with that.
Kindle is a 6'4, 255 pound behemoth with speed and power. And if there's one thing The Cockpuncher loves, it's a speedy edge rusher built like a fucking rhinoceros. And the history is there: Lawrence Taylor, John Abraham, Willie McGinnist, DeMarcus Ware, all dudes who live to fuck people's shit up big time. Kindle just seems to be the natural choice here. Besides, it's getting harder and harder to picture us drafting Dez Bryant.
At the combine today, Kindle clocked a 4.65 and a 4.66 in the 40, and was recorded at 9 feet 10 inches in the broad jump which, coincidentally, is the exact same size of his cock. Those are seriously good numbers.
Watch Sergio absolutely maul Taylor Potts like a goddamn Liger in that video above. It's a wonder Potts lived to tell about it. I can assure you Potts forgot his own mother's name for at least a good 28 minutes after that shit. I can also assure you that Potts' spleen is now lodged somewhere in his small intestines. Sheer Fuck-A-Dude-Upedness.
Wouldn't you want Sergio in a Fins uniform, roaming free and rushing Mark Sanchez and Tom Brady, causing them to totally shit themselves and maybe even cause them to explode into a fine powder on a yearly basis? Of course you do.
So apparently the Dolphins have signed a 6-year contract with Clear Channel Communications. This means 560 WQAM will no longer be the Dolphins Flagship Station. It also means the radio play-by-play team will no longer be Jimmy Cefalo, Jim Mandich and Joe Rose inaudibly screaming over each other when the Fins make a good play. So now Dolphins games can be heard on local radio 940 AM and 105.9 FM.