Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender: Jessica Is Explosive

 

Wow. What a shitty week.

But have no fear. SI Swimsuit model Jessica White is here to save the day.

And by "save the day" I mean, Sweet Baby Jesus do I love tits that explode out of a bikini top! Look at those things! It's like they're too fantastic to be contained by anything man can construct. Like they were built in a secret lab out of gamma rays and honeysuckle. It's inhuman how our laws make Jessica's tits wear a bikini top! It's stuff like this that make me wanna run for President of the United States. But because I love Scotch and dames so much, maybe that's not such a good idea. Guess I'll just have to remain President of Awesome instead. 

Anyway, you can see all of Jessica's SI pics here. 

Also, you'll be happy to know that when people in Germany do an Internet search for "dolphin fucking girl," FinsNation.com is third on the list! die brüste!

Have a great weekend, Nation.

Stephen Ross Considers This Jeff Ireland Business Closed

 

Moments ago, Dolphins owner Stephen Ross came down off the ledge of whatever building he was perched on to read a statement about the whole Jeff Ireland Thinks Yo Mama A Ho thing, or whatever the fuck they call it.

Here's the statement in full:

“I have looked into the matter of Jeff Ireland and the questions asked of former Oklahoma State receiver Dez Bryant and I have spoken to many people in and outside our organization who were directly and indirectly involved

“Jeff Ireland has apologized personally and publicly to Dez Bryant.

“We are going to take a hard look at our interview practices and we will make improvements that will allow us to get the important information we need about players in whom we are making a major investment, but without being insensitive.

“Jeff Ireland is a man of great capability and integrity and he is well deserving of my continued confidence. I consider the matter closed.”

Also, Dez Bryant finally talked about it just so that the shitsticks in the media can drop it already:

“No disrespect. I really don’t want to talk about it. I just want to talk about the Cowboys and what I’m doing. I’ve put that in the past. Let’s move on to the next chapter in my life.”

So to recap, Mike Florio can go fuck himself. 

Channing Crowder Is In Denial

 

In case you didn't notice, the Dolphins drafted a shitload of linebackers last week. This can only mean one thing: bad news for Channing Crowder. But Channing's not scurred. He takes all these linebacker additions as a challenge and not at all a threat to his 53-tackles-a-season:

"I don't care," the sixth-year man out of Florida said this week at the Ricky Williams movie premiere. "They've brought a lot of great linebackers in since I've been here, and I've played with a lot of great ones. I always look at it as just more toys for me to be out there with, more talent for me to play with."

Keep in mind that, aside from using draft picks to select linebackers Koa Misi, AJ Edds, Austin Spitler and Chris McCoy, the Dolphins also traded for Tim Dobbins and signed Karlos Dansby. There's also rumors that they might be interested in Adalius Thomas. Whether they sign him or not, just the fact that there's a rumor that they might be interested in adding another linebacker to a roster that already features roughly 487 linebackers, tells you all you need to know about how they feel about Channing Crowder. That's like asking a girl on a date and she responds by repeatedly kicking you in the balls over and over until your spleen implodes into a cloud of dust inside your body. 

Well this appears to be going away

 

It appears that the whole Jeff Ireland asked Dez Bryant if his mother was a hooker thing has mutated into The!!! Biggest!!1! Story!!1!!! Ever!!1!!1!! And by that we mean, the media has done lost it's shit over this.

ESPN is all over it.

PTI is debating it.

PFT is making a fucking living off the damn thing.

Mike Silver is milking this shit for all it's worth.

And it doesn't help when the owner comes out and says he'll do his own investigation on the matter.

Make no mistake, I think what Ireland did was despicable. I couldn't give two shits if a player's mother blows giraffes in some kind of underground sex circus in Bombay. If a fucker is big, has 4.3 speed, and can catch anything thrown his way, I want that guy on my team, regardless of whether or not his father molests baby penguins and then lights them on fire. The other side of that spectrum would be Ted Ginn Jr. Our front office loved his family. So much so that they drafted them too! How did that shit work out for us? So, yea, stupid question that has no relevance to football.

But... the dude personally apologized, Dez accepted said apology, the owner is looking into it, and I can guarantee you Ireland's future player interviews are going to be less, let's say, douchey. This appears to be a league-wide issue, and it was bound to come out. Unfortunately, because Jesus hates you, it's the Dolphins that are caught up in this thing.

But holy asscunts, people. The man asked a dumb question. That's all that happened. Mike Silver is not Robert Redford and this is not some Watergate-like evil conspiracy that has just been unearthed and must be unremittingly exposed to the unwashed masses until our brains explode. Surely there's other shit to talk about. Surely by now Ben Roethlisberger has gone and shown his dick to another girl.

Yea this sounds like a fantastic idea!

 

When the Dolphins drafted AJ Edds this weekend, I got a little excited. I even told DRK how much I liked the pick. Then I jokingly pointed out how Edds reminds me of Zach Thomas because he's got a relentless style of play, but mainly because he's white. But I didn't expect the Dolphins to take that shit seriously! Turns out, the Fins have once again farted in our general direction by giving an unproven rookie Zach Thomas' number 54. 

Some are saying that this could just be for the rookie mini-camps and that when the roster is trimmed down, Edds will shed 54 and grab another number. But why even give it to him at all, if that's the case? Why that number? It's rookie mini-camps for shitsake! Give him his collge number (49) or just give him 40, or 48 or whatever the fuck number isn't taken. 54? Really?

Holy fuckturds, Dolphins. C'mon! First there's the whole JT flap, then Jeff Ireland asks a guy if his Mom was a whore in an interview, and now this. Where the hell is Harvey Green? Isn't he the Dolphins Public Relations guy? I can shit into a hat and call that the Dolphins Public Relations guy, and it would pretty much get the same exact results.

Ricky Williams "30 for 30" Thoughts?

Just a bit of a quick and dirty post to get thoughts on the enigma wrapped in a riddle shrouded in mystery that is Rudra Williams.  A pretty raw and fascinating look at the man where I thought you could really see him mature considerably as the doc went on.  Some quick hits:

• That whole amphetamine theory to get himself 'amped up' for games and which caused him to get suspended for a non-marijuana related violation seemed to fall short to me.  I don't think it was that.
• His father is one creepy fucker and I hated his stupid, defiant face
• Ricky has gone through some 'Machinist'-like body transformations.  From when he was built like an ox at Texas to his lean 'retirement' days.  Amazing.
• Ricky, like many of us, cannot resist the allure of condomless, White pussy sex
• Dan LeBatard has been in about 18 '30-for-30's by my count
• LeBatard did make a very salient point about how - 8 years later - he we still are with Ricky.  We've been up, down and all around with that guy. 
• I don't know if he's taking medication now (it seems like it) but he appears more at ease and somewhat rooted.  Still, when he plays with the kids, there was something a bit 'off' about the guy.  You just get the feeling he could take off again at any minute.
• I had quite a few chuckles with my roommate pretending to be some old Cuban guy at Ricky's wedding urging him along to hurry things up because there was a storm coming.  Get a tent, dude!
• Seeing him run that long TD against the Saints made my balls move around in my scrotum
• 'Blaze' Williams is not only a hilarious name, but he will be the #1 overall pick of the 2025 draft.
• Pretty mind-blowing to think this NFL fucking STAR has run the gamut of freaky deaky shit.  His career arch is practically fuckin' Beatles-like.  From his screaming-girls ascendancy to retirement from the scene (no live shows) to drug use to finding meditation and Eastern philosophy.  If he ends his career playing a game on a London rooftop, I give up.

Really, it made for great TV.  If you haven't seen it, you should get around to it ASAP.

What did you guys think?
 

Jeff Ireland is Horatio Caine & Would Like To Ask You Some Questions About Your Mom

There had been some rumors making the rounds that then-draft prospect wide receiver Dez Bryant was asked if his mother was a prostitute by a team during an interview. Oh hey, guess what. That team happens to be your Miami Dolphins:

“No, my mom is not a prostitute,” said Bryant, whose background – including his mother’s lifestyle and past legal troubles – was under great scrutiny prior to the draft. “I got mad – really mad – but I didn’t show it.”

I’ve since been told by a source close to Bryant that [Jeff] Ireland was the person who asked the question during a meeting in the GM’s office. 

In defense of Jeff Ireland, I'd like to point out that Jeff Ireland is white. Very, very white. And perhaps this whole thing was just a case of a very white guy trying to engage in a game of Dozens with a black guy that went horribly, horribly wrong.

Official 2010 FN Tailgate Announcement Thread

  
 This may be a big deal for you but we call this 'Tuesday'

Now that the draft is over, it's time to address some seriously important shit.  Upon release of the 2010 schedule, The Dude and I quickly had our butlers print out laminated copies, pulled the Shakespeare bust that opens the secret passageway to our mutual underground FN lair in an undisclosed location along the eastern seaboard, jumped into the supersonic vacuum tube mechanisms that transport us from our respective headquarters and landed softly, cooly (I believe The Dude was wearing a ribbed, black turtleneck and sipping on some lightly chilled Gold Label as I arrived) into said lair to attend to the business of planning a proper FN tailgate.  After hours of deliberation that featured The Dude and I agonizing over every single nuance of the schedule and reducing ourselves to laughter, tears, pandemonium, delirium, childishness, envy, malice, greed, whispered jealousy, failed coups, and ultimately divine and enlightened glory as two beautiful, yet unified auroras of light enircled the very essence of our beings - we came to some conclusions regarding possible game dates.  A pretty crazy night!  

So here's what we've got:

Game Option A: Sun, Sept 26  Jets @ Dolphins

The home opener and a premiere Sunday night event against our most hated rival and the only visible example of Darwinism gone awry.  JT comes back home as our wayward son, Jets seek revenge after the season sweep, Fat Fuck Rex middlefingergate, no Santonio, Beast brings a typhoon to Revis Island - the storylines are well-documented.  Several of us would get arrested (I'm looking firmly at Tom Ass), but fuck me that would be a fun game to attend.  The stadium will be rockin' and rollin' for this one.  Might be a bit pricey and/or difficult to get these tickets for all of us but this is our #1 option with a bullet.

Game Option B: Thurs, Nov 18  Bears @ Dolphins

We own these fuckers as of late and would be fun to be in Miami for a Thursday night (Fri Jr.), which would lead to the most epic fuckin' night Tootsie's has ever seen.  Bonus is you get the rest of the weekend when it's still totally hot enough to hit the beach (when isn't it, really?) and cold weather FN faithful get a good summer-like blast before the cold, dark winter.  

Game Option C: Sun, Dec 19 Bills @ Dolphins

A natural consideration as it's on the earlier edge of the holiday season against a weakened divisional foe.  But again, it's against a weakened divisional foe and I don't know how many folks that read us outside of the South Florida area typically go home vs somewhere else for the holidaze.  A tough one but we thought this better than watching fucking Cleveland/Detroit and figured it was early enough (1:00pm start time) for people to still catch flights later if need be.  Those people may be very, very drunk and break some FAA rules but that is neither here nor there....

So there it is.  Three options.  You can probably throw in the New England Monday Nighter as well if there's enough interest for that but we tried to keep the options down to some logistical minimums.   However, seeing Tom Brady's ass get sacked again and again and again is never unpleasant. 

Please have at it in the comments if you have any interest in attending whatsoever.  Speak now or forever hold your peace and all that shit.  FUCK OR WALK.  Let's do this shit and get on it ASAP.

Dolphins Can't Stop Drafting Dudes With Great Motors

 

So the Dolphins continued to add to their Society of Relentless Quarterback Mauling Motherfuckers (or SRQMM for short) when they selected linebacker Koa Misi out of Utah with the 40th pick. Obviously the FO is looking to build an athletic defensive line made up of dudes with excellent burst. Guys who can explode off the line and create havoc. It's becoming like a mad scientist's laboratory where explosions can happen at any moment. Explosions are totally awesome.

It's been a surprising draft, but a good one nonetheless as things begin to become clearer.

There's also news tonight that the Dolphins are going to name Randy Starks the starting nose tackle, moving newly minted Dolphin Jared Odrick over to the right end. I always thought that this would be the plan anyway, when Miami traded for Starks two seasons ago. He seemed like a natural fit there and we all knew we were going to need a replacement for Jason Ferguson anyway. So, as it turns out, I'm as smart as Jeff Ireland -- because I wrote on a blog that Randy Starks would one day be the starting nose tackle for the Miami Dolphins. Bet all those girls who turned me down for dates in high school are feeling pretty dumb now.

Second Rounders

 Well, tonight is the 2nd and 3rd rounds. As you know, the Dolphins have the 40th overall pick (which would be the 8th pick tonight) and 73rd overall in the 3rd. But reports have already begun to swirl that they're looking to trade out. Probably to take yet another defensive lineman nobody heard of. ZING-POW!!

I'd like to take a guess at what we're gonna do with those picks, but after Pat White last year and Odrick this year, I think I'd have a better chance of making Megan Fox magically appear in my shower than venturing a guess as to whom we'll draft.

Anyway, I'll be live-blogging the proceedings over at Miami New Times again tonight and have analysis on our picks with dickjokes sprinkled in for good measure. So come on by and say hello. We'll get it rolling at around 6 or so. And don't forget to HIT REFRESH from time to time.

As a bonus to you, Horatio Caine Ireland might make an appearance. 

Anyway, yikes and away.....