Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

The Dolphins defense about to take The Blue Pill.... or Red Pill... or whichever one Keanu took that made him know Karate

 

The Miami Herald's Jeff Darlington reports that, in the wake of Miami taking Jared Odrick last night, the Dolphins defense is about to undergo a ..... TRANSFORMATION!

Basically, they're going to steer away from a traditional 3-4 defense, to a more hybrid form of D that relies on mixing and matching, penetration on the line and totally fucking people's shit up: 

Although complex and still a work in progress at this point, the Dolphins will rely on more penetration from the interior defensive line than previous years. It will allow the team to benefit from the athleticism of its linemen as much as the bulk.

The key phrase in all of this, though, is interior penetration. That's an aberration from the standard responsibilities of a 3-4 nose tackle, which spends its time clogging up the middle to allow for the linebackers to make the plays.

This, of course, all will fall into the hands of The Matrix himself, coach Mike Nolan. And who knows what kind of mindfuck this dude will unleash upon opposing offenses with the toys Ireland and Parcells are handing him. Don't be shocked if, one day, Odrick, Randy Starks, Phillip Merling, and Kendall Langford all stack up on top of each other and form a human pyramid and then start shooting lasers out of their eyes and blowing people's heads off. Ok, you got me, that's ridiculous. You don't need to go to the trouble of forming a human pyramid just to shoot people's heads off with lasers from your eyes. I can be so silly sometimes! 

He's Got A Great Motor!

 

Still feeling blindsided by the Jared Odrick pick? Me too! Now, I don't hate the player. I do, however, continue to question why we took him at 28. But no one will answer me. This is why my best friends have always been stray cats and my Star Wars action figures. 

"Why did we take Odrick with our first round pick, Momaw Nadon? Couldn't we have taken Jerry Hughes there and still gotten Odrick with the 40th pick?"

"Beats the shit outta me, Dude. But I hear ya." [pew!-pew!]

So here are some nuggets of information to make us feel awright:

Mike Mayock likes him. And that might be enough for me: "He's got a great motor, heavy hands,'' Mayock said. ``He's a guy that will start out as a rotational player with Kendall Langford, Randy Starks and Phillip Merling, but ultimately will be a starter for Miami"

Jon Gruden likes him too. But Jon Gruden fucking loves everybody, so this quote means nothing to me: "This guy is relentless, plays on an every-down basis, rarely gets tired. He's a perfect Bill Parcells-type player.''

Pro Football Weekly also has good things to say: "excellent body length to disrupt passing lanes. Outstanding athlete for a big man. Secure tackler. Outstanding work ethic. Tough and will play through injuries."

The knocks on Odrick seem to float between he can get thrown down too easy and plays too high. I guess that means he really isn't targeted as a DT, but more of a DE. But his versatility will allow the Fins to play mix and match with him when Mike Nolan goes all Matrixy with our defensive schemes. Odrick was ranked as the 3rd or 4th best DT prospect on most draft boards I've seen, so there's that. Whatever. As long as he reaches into Mark Sanchez's ass and turns him into a hand puppet on a regular basis and makes the puppet say things like "Ay chiwawa!," I'll be happy.

Overall, a good pick.

Dolphins draft Jared Odrick, Everybody Say "Whaaaa??"

 

So I'm told this guy is pretty good.

I'll be honest, I have no fucking idea. All I know is that Jerry Hughes and Sergio Kindle were on the board, but the powers that be grabbed this dude instead. Word is, we had our eyes on Dan Williams before the Cardinals snagged him. But I'm not sure I can go on living if we ever draft a dude J-Lo says we should. Fuck. That. So I guess it all worked out for the best.

Odrick's supposedly a nose tackle that can play defensive end in a 3-4 scheme as well. He's also considered a guy that can play all three downs. And apparently Jeff Ireland's had a boner for him for some time. So there you go. 

Alright then. 

40th pick in the 2nd round tonight. 

Let's Do This, Eagles

 

Following up with this post, ESPN's Sal Paolantonio is reporting that the Eagles and Dolphins are talking about swapping picks, which would be the tits.

Philly wants Earl Thomas, while we'd be better served moving up and getting a second round pick back. Also, I would be better served if Kelly Brook walked into my house and sat on my face. But that's neither here nor there.

Also, I'll be live-blogging the draft as I usually do. But because the powers that be over at the Miami New Times want to expose my dumbass dick jokes and affinity for tits and the word "fuck" onto a larger audience, I'll be live-blogging it there.

So come on over to Miami New Times Riptide tonight around 7:30-ish and join me in the comments.

The FN Draft Day Hopes, Fears, & Completely Arbitrary Predictions!

So here we are. Draft day. Weeee!

Last year I posted that I had a feeling that the Dolphins were going to take Vontae Davis with their first pick. They did! Then I posted that the player I really wanted them to take was Sean Smith. They did! 

I AM A SOOTHSAYER AND MY COCKULAR FORTITUDE IS UNQUESTIONED!

So who knows what kind of magic we can conjure up with this here Dolphins blog with dick jokes this year. Probably none since all that shit was coincidence anyway. Either way, here you go. The FN Draft Day Hopes, Fears, And Completely Arbitrary Predictions:

Oh Shut The F Up, Fat A**

 

Jennifer Lopez was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. She is, course, part owner of the Dolphins along with her husband Marc Anthony, mainly because our majority owner is a fucking idiot. Anyway, she apparently told Jay that she wants the Dolphins to draft Dan Williams:

"We have the 12th pick, you know, so I'm leaning towards Dan Williams," Lopez said. "We need a defensive tackle, he's really explosive off the line, can beat the double team and does a nice job finishing the play. But that's just my opinion."

Oh fuck you, lady. No way you knew who the hell Dan Williams was before you went on this godawful show. The only way you would know a football player is if he was deep fried in chocolate sauce and wrapped in bacon. Either your husband fed you these lines after he fed you some cheesecake, or one of your "handlers" did. But nice try covering it up with a " but that's just my opinion" throwaway line at the end, like it's all part of your bullshit attempt to convince people you're football savvy. The only thing you're savvy with is anything that has to do with cookie dough or gravy. So, have yourself another KFC Double Down smothered in icing and mayonnaise and shut your fucking suckhole.

This is the kind of shit we all feared we'd get when Stephen Ross started selling shares to every shitty has-been, overrated, no-talent fucktwat in town. Well done, sir!

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editor's note: the first fucker who says this broad is hot in the comments is banned for life. I'm not even remotely joking.

DRK's Super Duper Expert Analysis Breakdown Extravaganza

WEEK 1 Sunday, Sept 12 @Bills (1:00)

Win.  Bills will still be in shambles at this point.  Maybe all season long.

WEEK 2 Sunday, Sept 19 @Vikings (1:00)

Contingent upon Old Balls Favre, really.  Dirty team, though, so you have to account for that defense and running game.  Possible win; likely loss.

WEEK 3 Sunday, Sept 26 NEW YORK JETS (8:20)

JT homecoming.  No Santonio.  Sanchez gets fucked by a Lexington Steele-sized cock all weekend; shows up Doubtful to play due to 'an overflow of semen buildup in the abdomen'.  FUCKING WIN.

WEEK 4 Monday, Oct 4 PATRIOTS (8:30)

Monday night at home against the Pats?  We have a good history there.  Good game to go Orange.  Win.

WEEK 5 BYE

Early bye fucking sucks but what ya gonna do?

WEEK 6 Sunday, Oct 17 @Packers (1:00)

I gotta say this is a loss, unfortunately.  Dirty fuckin' team at home.  Loss.

WEEK 7 Sunday, Oct 24 STEELERS (1:00)

Is Big Ben still suspended??  Guess we'll find out shortly.  Regardless, I like us to win here.  We're due up for a win against these rapists.

WEEK 8 Sunday, Oct 31 @Bengals (1:00)

Last year's Bengals were a fluke; 2010 they return to Bungledom.  Win.

WEEK 9 Sunday, Nov 7 @Ravens (1:00)

Scary.  We don't get Ferg back until the next week.  This team always fucks with us and is very very physical.  A toughy.

WEEK 10 Sunday, Nov 14 TITANS (1:00)

Not sure which version of the Titans we'll see.  Ferg is back to contend with their run game so I like us at home against them.  Win.

WEEK 11 Thursday, Nov 18 BEARS (8:20)

I worry about a resurgent Cutler some but I'm not so scared of their defense.  Have they ever beaten us in a primetime game??  Win.

WEEK 12 Sunday, Nov 28 @Raiders (4:05)

Win - unless they re-sign Daunte Culpepper and he scores 10 fucking touchdowns.  Better fucking win and beat that Al Davis vampire motherfucker.

WEEK 13 Sunday, Dec 5 BROWNS (1:00)

Holmgren or not.  Fucking win.  Especially at home.

WEEK 14 Sunday, Dec 12 @New York Jets (4:15)

FUCKING WIN.

WEEK 15 Sunday, Dec 19 BILLS (1:00)

Glad we got them away early so we can take them on late at home when they might have a semblance of their shit together.  Win.

WEEK 16 Sunday, Dec 26 LIONS (1:00)

I'm not even going to address this.  Win.

WEEK 17 Sunday Jan 2 @Patriots (1:00)

Could be a potentially big game with playoff implications.  We haven't historically done well up there in the winter and God knows we don't need a repeat of that 2002 season finale.  Big game.  Will be interesting.  Another toughy.

Analysis:  Brutal early.  Pretty damn brutal.  Two games on the road to start the season when we've been pretty slow-going out the gate with this regime.  In addition, 6 out of 8 first games are against 2009 playoff teams.  That first half of the season will be the crucible and will define our team.  However, if we can win 5 or 6 of those first 8 games, we should be in pretty good shape for the much easier (on paper) 2nd half.  I can potentially see us being 11-5, maybe even 12-4.  I'm bullish on us this season if we can a) get through that brutal first half with a decent record and b) remain reasonably healthy through that first half to set us up for the poundcake second half. 

I'm sure The Dude will have his sage input soon.  Your thoughts in the comments.

Your 2010 Miami Dolphins Schedule (brought to you by boobies!)

 

We know a lot of you put links to the schedule in the comments of the previous post, but we're posting it here for those who read FN but don't comment. That's right, commenters. There's a whole other group of FN readers out there. You're not the only ones who are special! God you're so stuck up. 

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WEEK 1 Sunday, Sept 12 @Bills (1:00)

WEEK 2 Sunday, Sept 19 @Vikings (1:00)

WEEK 3 Sunday, Sept 26 NEW YORK JETS (8:20)

WEEK 4 Monday, Oct 4 PATRIOTS (8:30)

WEEK 5 BYE

WEEK 6 Sunday, Oct 17 @Packers (1:00)

WEEK 7 Sunday, Oct 24 STEELERS (1:00)

WEEK 8 Sunday, Oct 31 @Bengals (1:00)

WEEK 9 Sunday, Nov 7 @Ravens (1:00)

WEEK 10 Sunday, Nov 14 TITANS (1:00)

WEEK 11 Thursday, Nov 18 BEARS (8:20)

WEEK 12 Sunday, Nov 28 @Raiders (4:05)

WEEK 13 Sunday, Dec 5 BROWNS (1:00)

WEEK 14 Sunday, Dec 12 @New York Jets (4:15)

WEEK 15 Sunday, Dec 19 BILLS (1:00)

WEEK 16 Sunday, Dec 26 LIONS (1:00)

WEEK 17 Sunday Jan 2 @Patriots (1:00)

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Analysis and breakdown to come later. Also, get your planners out as we prepare to plan for our 2nd Annual FN Tailgate Lollapalooza Extravaganza Get Together Farewell Reunion Tour 1989!!!! Details to come.

Dolphins 2010 Schedule Open Thread

Schedule comes out at 7:00. ESPN2 and NFL Network will show it live.

Jason Taylor Is Weak and Stupid

Looks like Jason Taylor has gone against the family and is officially a New York Jet.

Look for the Dolphins Pro Shop to have his jersey on sale at 70% off in the coming days. Which is a pretty good bargain for a shit rag, I think. 

At first glance, it stings a little to realize the biggest Dolphin legend since Dan Marino is now a Jet. Then you realize he's like 148 years old, played like shit in Washington, and will be up against THE WAR HAMMER twice a season. Then you're like, meh....

Get fucked with a cigar store Indian, Jason. You're dead to me. 

Thanks to VinBob for the tip