Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

C'mon Philly.... you know you want to

 

Because the Dolphins didn't suck hard enough last season, we're stuck in this weirdo Twilight-Zoney limbo with the 12th pick where there are no sure-fire elite players to choose from. In addition to that, we have to wait all the way for the 3rd round to pick again.

Seeing how we no longer need Dez Bryant, and have no shot at landing Eric Berry or A Boy Named Suh, the best thing might be to get the fuck out of the 12 spot by trading down, recouping a 2nd rounder and then getting ourselves two outstanding players with back-to-back picks.

Rumors have been floating since yesterday that the FO wants to do just that. They just need to find a team that is looking to trade into a high slot to work with. Oh hey guess what. The Eagles have said they would like to move up and draft either Eric Berry or Earl Thomas:

The Eagles are in a very small club, teams that want to jump up from low in the first round to the upper half. I believe Philly wants one of the two safeties in the draft --Eric Berry of Tennessee or Earl Thomas of Texas. With the 24th, 35th, 55th and 70th picks, the Eagles absolutely have the ammo to move up.

Those greedy fucks have two 2nd rounders, two 3rd rounders, two 4th rounders and just this morning had sex with your wife while you were taking a shit. The Eagles need a safety, but the drop-off after Berry and Thomas is pretty large. So, clearly, we're the solution to their problem. We could get their 24th overall and one of their second rounders, they get our 12th. 

What's so hard to figure out about that, Eagles? You get to move up where you have a no chance of landing Eric Berry, a half-way decent chance of landing Earl Thomas, unless he goes to the Broncos at 11, and then you lose one of your second rounders and are stuck having to draft some guy you don't need and having to pay him first-round top-20 money. Hrm... I guess that wasn't so hard to figure out. Still. Call us!

NFL Schedule Comes Out Today

 

The NFL schedule comes out today. Several news outlets have reported that today is also the day they're supposed to announce how many games Ben Roethlisberger will be suspended for after he showed his penis to an underaged girl while allegedly forcing her to have sex with him in a public restroom. Nice timing, NFL! Looks like Roger Goodell has a lot of growing up to do.

Dolphins Away Opponents:

Bills, Patriots, Jets, Ravens, Bengals, Raiders, Packers, Vikings

Dolphins Home Opponents:

Bills, Patriots, Jets, Browns, Steelers, Titans, Bears, Lions

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You might be asking why there are no dates or times listed here. That's because the full schedule with dates and times won't be released until tonight at 7:00 (EST) but way to crack the case, Matlock!

The Ted Ginn Jr. Twitter Response Meme

 

Today's post about Ted Ginn's Twitter response to a random Dolphins fan has inspired FN to come up with its own Internet meme.

So here you go. As one final farewell to good ole Teddy Ginn Jr. and his entire family, we close out the day with The FN Ted Ginn "bitch n*gga" Twitter Response Meme:

  

 

Rumors!

 

Armando Salguero breaks down some Dolphins Monday-before-the-draft rumors in a blog post today. But because you have to endure two whole paragraphs of Armando sucking his own cock before you get to the rumors part, we here at FN decided to break it down for you below (we get it, Armando. You're wonderful and everyone else covering the Dolphins suck horse balls. Also, you're not a beat writer! HOW ON EARTH CAN THEY CALL YOU A BEAT WRITER!!?? HOW DARE THEY, THE FUCKS! God I fucking hate you. PS Keep up the good work). 

Anyway, the rumors:

-Ronnie Brown being traded? No, he's not. That is, the Dolphins aren't actively calling teams, but would listen to any offers if they came. Otherwise, expect Ronnie to remain a Dolphin. 

-Osi Umenyora being traded to Miami? Not likely. Doesn't make much sense when you break it all down. Also, the guy was basically discovered by Dave Wandstedt's daughter. How fucked up is that? His DAUGHTER found this guy. Meanwhile, daddy went ahead and got us Eddie Moore! Dave Wandstedt's Daughter > Dave Wandstedt. Sad. 

-Justin Smiley trade? This dude is all but gone, but nobody wants an offensive lineman with chronic shoulder problems. Except that we did two seasons ago and gave him a shitload of money. Yay us!!

-Trading out of the 12 spot? Salguero says that, yes, the Fins are looking to trade down from 12 in order to pick up the second rounder they gave up for Brandon Marshall. This will come down to the wire with what teams do ahead of us, and then what teams behind us want to do as far as them coveting certain players. It'll be interesting to watch. But getting a second rounder back would be awesome. As awesome as a taco making robot? That's debatable. But awesome, nonetheless.  

Ted Ginn Jr. is Kind of a D-ck

 

We all got pretty goddamned happy when the news broke that Ted Ginn Jr. was traded to the 49ers last Friday. But we also kinda felt bad for the guy. He was married to Cam Cameron's retardedness and, obviously, never lived up to his number 9 overall pick status. He was also the hero of our 2-game sweep of the Jets last year. And, for all the derision the guy took over the years, he handled himself with class and dignity.

Then some random unknown person tweeted him that they were glad he was no longer a Dolphin, and Teddy lost his shit.

@Cheatd2win: thank goodness you are gone

@TEDGINN19: Fuck u bitch nigga u can't say that shit to my face

I guess you can't blame the guy. He took a lot of abuse from us fans throughout his career as a Dolphin. Mainly because he was completely unreliable, couldn't catch for shit, ran routes like he was being chased by a bee, and pretty much did everything in his power to avoid any kind of contact whatsoever. But hey, HE'S HELLA FAST! 

So you can't blame Ted Ginn for finally blowing his top and calling a random person whom he'll never meet a "bitch nigga" on the internet and then acting as if he would kick this guy's ass if he ever dared to say such a thing to his face while he's on his way out to another city all the way over on the west coast.

Well played, Beegirl. You'll be missed.*

Some dude says we'll be taking Derrick Morgan

 

Edgar Thompson of the Palm Beach Post says a scout tells him he's 100 percent sure the Dolphins will draft Georgia Tech defensive end Derrick Morgan, although he can't guarantee it.

Morgan seems to fit the mold of a Parcells player. At 6-3, 266 pounds, Morgan's a big dude, a superb athlete, versatile, talented and smart. He's got all the intangibles Parcells looks for in a defensive player. He's got a motor, can bull rush like a motherfucker and is excellent at shedding blockers. He can play OLB in the 3-4, can defend the run and would probably immediately be placed in the lineup as a pass-rushing linebacker. He wouldn't be a bad choice at all. Still, from what I've read, most scouts see Morgan as a good player, but not necessarily an all-world elite pass rusher. So it might be hard to fall in love with the guy if he's the pick at 12.

Still, however it goes down, I know I've learned a valuable lesson from the scout that spoke to Edgar Thompson. And that's how to deliver news. You deliver news like this guy, you're always covered. "Yes, I'm 100 percent sure I didn't give you chlamydia, although I can't guarantee it." It's brilliant semantics! 

Weekender: A Keeley Hazell Boobiepalooza!

 

A week this awesome can only be capped off by one thing: A SHITLOAD OF PICTURES OF KEELEY HAZELL AND HER AMAZING TITS!! Yaaay!!

 

 

It gets rather NSFW after the jump. And by NSFW, we mean NIPPIES! Because that's how we fuckin do's it round here!

I don't need to tell you to have a great weekend, Nation. Because this whole week has been pretty fucking extraordinary. So, be safe. And we'll catch you on Monday as we head on into Draft Night.

The Moment We've All Been Waiting For Has Arrived

Do you hear that faint sound in the distance?

Is that a mix of bees buzzing away from South Florida westward as Pearl Jam's 1996 song 'Off He Goes' plays in the background???

Can we put on hold those beekeeper outfits we ordered online?  Is it too late to cancel the order?

Yes, good friends, dear readers, loving online family - THE DAY has arrived. 

In the same week that we secure a truly badass WR with talent, moxie and personality, we eviscerate ourselves of that foul Ted Ginn-sized tumor we've struggled to smile through for the past 3 fucking years.  No longer does the specter of doom and what-the-fuckness that happened on that Spring April 2007 day hang above us.  Trent Green is once again free to visit the South Florida area without worrying about a 300lb monster of a man suddenly and forcefully laying his knee into his temple out of nowhere.  Broken reverses, that would have resulted in 20 yard gains and game-winning TD drives in playoff game scenarios but only yielded broken promises and compounding disappointments, are set afloat on barges and set on fire as they drift away regrettably.  Busted plays, dropped passes, handing-off-balls-to-Darren-Sharper-for-pick-6s, etc....all of that is now cathartically cleansed within us.  

For within the smoldering pyre that is the death of Ted Ginn, Jr. and the ineptitude of the WannSabanCam era - there is now the hope and peace, the fury and the eye-narrowing blaze that is the rising, powerful Phoenix of Brandon Marshall and the 2010 Miami Dolphins.

Go get fucked, Teddy.  Maybe the more faggy West Coast attitude will suit you just fucking fine.  I hear the bees out in San Fran are fucking lovely this time of year.
 

Brandon Marshall Introduced Himself

Brandon Marshall met the local media yesterday and HOLY SUGARTITS HE LOOKS AWESOME IN DOLPHINS GEAR!!!

Some of the highlights from the presser:

On Chad Henne: "We talked today .... I plan on starting that relationship really, really soon."

On the trade: "The Dolphins did their due diligence and that's why I'm here."

On the kind of player he is: "I play this game to not just be another guy in the NFL. I play to be one of the greats."

On being a Dolphin: "My presence on the offense will help guys, we'll help each other, and we'll win some games.... I plan on wasting no time in bettering myself and establishing myself on this team."

On being a diva receiva: "I'm no prima donna. I like to get dirty."

On Revis Island: "I'm not sure where that is... where is Revis island? Okay... I'll visit there soon."

Awesome. You can watch it in its entirety here. The only way this interview could be more awesome is if Brandon Marshall stopped it midway and told everyone that he's sorry but he just saw the Bat-signal and he must get going.

Tim Graham Breaks Down The Beast

 

ESPN's AFC East blogger Tim Graham has some Brandon Marshall statistics of his own:

Marshall was one of the most dangerous receivers on throws that traveled at least 15 yards. The Denver Broncos targeted him 34 times, connecting 11 times for 354 yards and three touchdowns. The Dolphins scored only two touchdowns when the pass traveled at least 15 yards.

Marshall was a monster in the middle of the field, an area few receivers dare to tread. He made 27 catches between the hash marks.

Marshall is 6-foot-4 and 230 pounds. He attacks the ball when it's in the air and frequently comes down with it, something Dolfans haven't witnessed much of the past decade. 

Marshall caught 17 of the 25 passes thrown his way (68 percent) inside the red zone. He scored seven touchdowns there. 

So, to recap: All opposing secondaries are about to get skullfucked, and KC Joyner is now free to calculate the metrics of how one should go about eating a dick.