Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Here's A Kooky Idea

Now that you've made Brandon Marshall arguably the highest paid WR in NFL history, have solidified just ONE of the many glaring holes on our roster in preparation for the draft and have shored up enough good will to make up for a rather bizarre offseason, why not fucking cap it off by re-signing the all-time NFL fumble return for TD leader/all-time Dolphins sack leader/pillar of the community/super Dolphin loved by fans everywhere to a 2-year deal in an uncapped year for about $3 million or so???  Did I mention you have absolutely NO ONE near his talent level or passion playing the OLB position right now today???  Could you - I don't know - re-sign JT in the hopes that he can PROPERLY groom any OLBs you may add through the draft???  Has he not proven himself to be a class act the entire fucking time he's been jerked around this offseason and addressed to in a past tense? I mean, you know the guy is agonizing over playing for those neanderthals - despite the fact they may, you know, actually use the guy as a pass rusher as his natural God-given talent is crushing QB heads - rather than playing the strong side for 3 downs.  Can we just do this?  Please?

I know it's an alien concept but I would really, really like the TITS posse to just hear us out on this one:  sign this fucking guy and worry about one less IMMEDIATE concern come draft day.  Give yourself a little wiggle room, fellas.  Really, it's not the end of the world to sign one of the most badass men to ever roam the Earth.  It certainly can't hurt.

DID I MENTION WE HAVE CAM WAKE AND A BAG OF M&M'S CURRENTLY OCCUPYING THE TOP SPOTS ON OLB DEPTH CHARTS?!?!?! 

FUCK!

And just like that, someone's gotta sh-t all over the Brandon Marshall trade

 

KC Joyner is a football writer for ESPN and likes to use metrics and formulas to break down players scientifically. He even calls himself The Football Scientist. And I've actually traded a couple of e-mails with him over the years and he seems like a decent enough fellow. But today he can go fuck himself raw with his iMac because he's decided to dump a heaping pile of nerd shit all over the Dolphins acquisition of Brandon Marshall: 

"Marshall does possess some elite skills, something that is evidenced by the fact that no receiver has been targeted more often than he has the past two seasons, but vertical receiving hasn't been one of them.

"For proof, one needs to look no further than his downfield pass-catching metrics in 2008 and '09. Marshall's 8.5 combined vertical YPA total in that time frame ranks him 52nd out of the 57 receivers who saw 48 or more targets in each of the past two seasons (48 targets being the minimum bar for inclusion as a qualifier on the metric charts). It wasn't a matter of one poor season offsetting a good season, either, as Marshall's highest single-season ranking was 55th."

So, Brandon Marshall has elite skills but can't jump very well? So, we're better off sticking with a dude with elite speed like Ted Ginn? So, at best we're getting an Anquan Boldin type? WE'VE BEEN DUPED! Keep in mind that Joyner once said Cowboys receiver Roy Williams was going to be the next elite wide receiver. He also proclaimed a couple of years ago that the Cincinnati Bengals would be the NFL's next great dynasty. Joyner has also fucked a few fantasy teams with his horrid advice over the years too. But, hey, he uses metrics! So what the fuck do you know!

You can read the article here. You have to be an ESPN Insider in order to read the whole thing, which means you have to pretty much fork over $40 bucks to read something that advertises itself as "insider stuff," as if you were getting some kind of privileged information. But all you're really doing is paying ESPN $40 to read shit like, "Albert Haynesworth has terrific hips and moves fluidly at the point of attack!" Riveting. Go fuck yourself with Stewart Scott's lazy-eyed head, ESPN. Booya! 

The Beast Got Paid

Now that Brandon Marshall is a Miami Dolphin (HOLY SHITCAKES!!! I LOVE WRITING THAT! WEEEEeeeeee!!!), ESPN is reporting that the team has locked him down for 4 years, giving him $47.5 million, with $24 million guaranteed. Add the $2.5 million he's already making this season, and that's an average of $10 million a year until 2014, making him the highest paid receiver in the NFL. But when you keep in mind that Marshall caught more touchdown passes last year than our entire receiving corps combined, including the tight ends, then it doesn't sound like all that much money at all. 

Also, as you can clearly see above, being an athlete and having a shitload of money in Miami automatically brings you crowds of smiling women when you walk down the street. So it's a win-win for Brandon. That picture was taken in South Beach during Super Bowl week last February. So you can only imagine the kind of tail the guy will attract when he actually lives here. This is exactly why I draw a dollar sign on the crotch of my pants with a Sharpie whenever I go walking down Ocean Drive. LOOK AT MY CROTCH, LADIES! NOW SHOW ME YOUR TITS! 

picture taken by and courtesy of Adam Smoot 

Jeff Ireland is Horatio Caine: How Charlie Whitehurst Helped Us Land Brandon Marshall

Once the news broke yesterday that Denver had signed Brandon Marshall to a tender, it meant all hands on deck. There was no way in shitsville Marshall was going to stay in Denver. Teams knew this. And so, teams had to act fast. 

Word is, the Seattle Seahawks had been the frontrunners to land The Beast. They had hosted him on a visit earlier this off-season, and had even talked contract with him. It was pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Seahawks were going to land the guy. But, earlier this off-season, Seattle traded for Chargers backup QB Charlie Whitehurst. The trade included swapping 2nd round picks with San Diego (Seattle's 40 for San Diego's 60 and Whitehurst). Had Seattle not done this trade, Marshall would be a Seahawk right now. And we'd be stuck holding our dicks.

Instead, all Seattle had left to offer Denver was the 60th overall pick. That's when Ireland and the Fins swooped in with their 43rd overall pick, and Denver agreed. PING: Brandon Marshall is a Dolphin. Holy assballs I still cannot believe it.

When news broke that the Jets had traded for Santonio Holmes at the beginning of the week, Dolphins fans everywhere shat themselves large heaping stacks of bricks. The MSM went batshit on Parcells and Ireland and their lack of vision (headed by that shitdipping fuckturd Armando Fuckgero). Twitter blew up with angry Dolphins fans wanting blood. We at FN remained silent. Because we knew Ireland and the boys had something brewing. Were we nervous and anxious? Oh shit yea. But we knew they weren't going to do nothing. We honestly thought they'd go get Dez Bryant in the draft. This is clearly better. They got their man and have opened the door to address another need with the 12th pick.

So to recap: Have a little faith, fucksticks! We're in good hands here! Also, Rex Ryan can eat a dick.

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[Jeff Ireland IS Horatio Caine]

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Love Song for Brandon Marshall

Too alarming now to talk about (how our FO has been sitting on its hands until now)
Take your pictures down and shake it out (*ahem* BRONCOS FANS *cough*)
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

THERE GOES MY HERO

WATCH HIM AS HE GOES (the distance for a TD)

THERE GOES MY HERO

HE'S (SUPERDUPERAWESOMEFUCKIN'BALLSEDELICEXTRA) ORDINARY!

Don't the best of them bleed it out (like Dolphins fans)
While the rest of them peter out (like LaDanian Tomlinson, Mark Sanchez, Fat Fuck Rex and Jets fans everwhere)

THERE GOES MY HERO!!!!!

/ swoons

BRANDON MARSHALL IS A DOLPHIN!!!

 

 

FUCK AND YES!!!

Brandon Marshall Rumors Have Released the Kraken All Over Our Faces

 

Only a few hours after this report broke, rumors started flying all over the godamn place that the Dolphins are in serious talks with Denver for wide receiver Brandon Marshall. Fuck and yes? Why, yes. Fuck and yes, indeed.

Marshall signed a $2.521 million tender with Denver yesterday, which means the negotiations for him being traded can now begin. According to Greg Cote, Seattle is supposedly the frontrunner to land Marshall, but the Fins are heavily involved, and would be willing to part with a 2nd round pick. They could ideally throw in Ted Ginn and some other shit to sweeten the deal, something I'm not sure Seattle is able to do.

Who the hell knows at this point. We've yet to hear from the big guns like Chris Mortensen, Adam Schefter or PFT on the matter. So for now, it's still just a rumor. But keep hope alive that any minute now, we'll hear the news that Parcells pulled it off. The only way hearing news that we've landed Brandon Marshall could be any more awesome is if it was delivered on live television by a robot grizzly bear with bazookas for arms. 

Ted Ginn Might Be Running From a Bee Elsewhere

 

NFL Network's Jason La Canfora is reporting that the Dolphins are looking to trade Ted Ginn Jr.: 

...Ginn could be a part of a package on the first night of the draft next Thursday, as the Dolphins might trade up from the 12th spot. Clemson running back C.J. Spiller is among the players for whom they could make a move.

Well this is certainly one way to calm everyone the fuck down after the last couple of days. The whole of Dolphins Nation is angry at Parcells for not making a run for Santonio Holmes and for treating JT like a piss-filled diaper. But Parcells runs things his way and doesn't necessarily agree with your ways. So fuck you. But if there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that Ted Ginn is a piece of shit player (save for the two games against the Jets last year. Thanks Ted!). So kudos to Parcells for taking the eyes of Dolphins fans off him and putting it squarely on Ginn and us possibly being rid of him. INGENIOUS! 

This move, along with not getting in on the Santonio Holmes sweepstakes, is also Parcells way of telling us that they do plan on adding a uber-receiver somewhere in the draft.

Or, as La Canfora mentions at the end of his report: "The Dolphins.... could still make a run for Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall." 

So, to recap: The Dolphins could end up getting rid of Ginn and drafting CJ Spiller and ending up with Brandon Marshall all in one fell swoop and HOLY ASSBALLS MY PANTS JUST EXPLODED!!!!!

Weekender: In Case of Emergency, Stare Into Marisa's Cleavage

According to Mike Berardino, it looks like JT to the Jets is all but a done deal. Armando Salguero disputes that. But then again, he's been busy throwing a hissy fit at the guys at RotoWorld, so who the fuck knows.

Whatever. Blame both parties. Blame the front office for yet another head-scratching decision. And blame JT for doing the unthinkable, when there are clearly better teams out there for him to go to. 

And then let the Quentin Moses era... BEGIN!

goy.

What's done is done. I will only say this: If Cameron Wake doesn't shove his fist up Mark Sanchez's ass and makes him his own personal hand puppet at least eight times next season, I will personally go and beat the ever living shit out of Bill Parcells' homeless friend. Book it.

And, if anything, we can only hope that our theory that JT is The Cooler is correct. When he was with us, we sucked. When he went to DC, we went 11-5 and won the AFC East, when he came back, we missed the playoffs. Just sayin. 

All that said..... Bring on the next guy! 

Anyway, feel free to vent in the comments. Otherwise, feel free to stare into Marisa Miller's cleavage (bigger pic here). It makes everything better, if you ask me. In fact, I really hope the Nobel Prize people take notice and give Marisa Miller's cleavage the award this year. She's already won World Champion Of My Pants three years in a row. But it's not as prestigious.  

Have a good one, Nation.

Jeff Ireland is Horatio Caine

As predicted, Jeff Ireland said a lot of things but didn't give us any new information about anything. So it is with his press conferences and interviews. Of course, the media did its job and asked him about the JT situation. And, of course, he said a whole lotta nothing: 

"This is where we are on Jason. This organization knows exactly our stance on it. Jason and his agent know our stance on it. And I’m not gonna air our business to the media. They know exactly what our stance is. They know both sides of it, and that’s where I’ll leave it...

Look. They know our stance. We know our stance. I’ve told Gary this. Tony has told Jason this. We have to evaluate things after the draft. So that’s where we’re at."

I defy you to try and decipher any of what he's saying up there. Other than everybody knows each others' stance. I don't know why I bother to post this since this is not really news. Jeff Ireland is Horatio Caine. Fucker takes his job uber-seriously, is a prickly man with red hair and his press conferences are a mish-mash of bad puns and nonsensical meanderings.

Meanwhile, Jason Taylor is on his way back to Miami to mull over the Jets offer. 

Also, looking for an inexpensive way to induce a loved one into a coma? Here's the Ireland presser transcript.