Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender: Mini-Campin' It

 

 

Reader Rick sent in an e-mail and requested this week's Weekender Girl to be none other than Tammin Sursok. I have no idea who Tammin Sursok is. What I can tell you is that I want to bite her ass. And, really, that's the only information that matters. Also, Rick found the secret to me opening your e-mails. Links to pictures of girls with asses I'd like to bite. He's like Robert Langdon!

Anyway, here are some links with info on Friday's mini-camp. Happy reading:

-The Palm Beach Post has 22 things we learned from mini-camp day 1. 22 seems like an arbitrary number, but whatever.

-Is anyone else excited about Mike Nolan or is it just me? I'm beginning to think it's just me. It's just me, isn't it? I think I might love him. Like more than just a friend. Man, this got awkward really fast. LOOK! A MONKEY! *runs away*

-Chad Pennington is pretty much an extra coach, which is pretty kickass. I love that guy. Damn this blog post got really gay really quick. LOOK! A KANGAROO! *runs away again*

-Looks like Pat Turner is an early frontrunner for DRK's JR Tolver Award. Didn't he win it last year? If he did, he would be the first ever two-time winner. THAT WOULD BE UNPRECEDENTED! 

-Salguero has a mini-camp recap. I didn't read it, but I'm sure he found something to shit on. 

-Omar and Berardino also have a recap. Again, I haven't read it but I'm sure it has Omar being cool as fuck. OMAR IS COOL AS FUCK.

Have a great and safe Memorial Day weekend, Nation. See you Tuesday.

Reggie Torbor....

The Dolphins have released Reggie Torbor. 

Makes sense, what with the 3,567 linebackers currently on the roster, and Reggie looking to make a hefty $6 million in the next two seasons. And according to Cool Jeeps, the Dolphins brass have been impressed with newly acquired linebackers Tim Dobbins and rookie AJ Edds enough to let Torbor walk. 

That's pretty good speculation by Darlington, but I'm gonna say it's mostly the part about saving 6 million dollars. Also, the part where Reggie sucked balls. I'm no expert, but that's the theory I'm sticking with.

Clusterf*ck PR Offseason Continues: Phillip Merling Arrested

Dolphins defensive end Phillip Merling was arrested last night after a domestic dispute with his pregnant girlfriend.

I think that sentence pretty much encapsulates our entire PR off-season nicely, dontcha think?

This makes four Dolphins arrested since February, including Will Allen (DUI), Ronnie Brown (DUI), and Tony McDaniel (domestic battery). SWEET FUCKFACE MOLASSES WE'RE BECOMING THE NEW CINCINNATI BENGALS.

Miami Dolphins backup defensive end Phillip Merling was due in magistrate court Thursday morning to face a domestic violence charge.... Messages left with the Dolphins and Jimmy Sexton, Merling's agent, were not immediately returned.

I'd make a smarmy comment here, but beating a woman -- let alone a pregnant woman -- is nothing to laugh about. I mean, unless Merling was dressed as Captain America and had a burrito in his pants. Then it would be funny. But, sadly, that's already been done by some other dude. Blimey! 

NFL Makes Stupidest Decision In The History of the World Ever

As expected, the NFL has decided to have the brand new New Jersey home of the New York Giants host the 2014 Super Bowl.  The owners voted on the Meadowlands after a third vote in which a simple majority between Tampa and NJ would decide the victor.  Miami was eliminated during the second ballot because God knows it's been such an absolute disgrace to host the Super Bowl in an international city, with accomodating infrastructure, a vibrant nightlife, warm weather and tons and tons of beautiful women half-naked 365/24/7.  Yea, that idea is so old and boring...why in the world would anyone want to do THAT again?!?!?!?!  Instead, let's put the Super Bowl in a place where the average temp that time of year is about -89 degrees without windchill, exists in an absolute clusterfuck infrastructure situation and is only the #1 terrorist target in the USA with a motherfuckin' bullet.  That's just a brilliant idea.  Shit, even our own Captain Balls thought a NJ Super Bowl would be dumb and that dude is super duper cute and smart.

As a current resident of NYC, I'm a bit on the fence about this because I don't know if I'll be here for that.  On the one hand, Times Square and other assorted locations would be fucking bonkers but then again....Times Square and other assorted locations would be fucking bonkers.  So it could be potentially fun or a horrible shit show.  Given I will be about 36 at that point, I'm going to err on the side of 'horrible shitshow'.  However, should our Dolphins be playing in that Super Bowl, please look for me to appear on the cover of the New York Post walking naked through Times Square with a cellphone up to my ear as I converse with The Dude excitedly. 

So, as Tofu Dan accurately predicted in the previous post's comments, enjoy that 2-0 2014 Super Bowl, friends!!!  HOORAY FOR RICH PEOPLE THAT COME UP WITH DUMB IDEAS WHEN THEY ALREADY HAVE PERFECTLY PROVEN, SMART IDEAS IN PLACE!!!

Fins Trade Guy That Kinda Looks Like My Friend Chuck

The mysterious Justin Smiley saga appears to be over.

Once heralded as a young, tough, long-term solution to our LG situation, Smiley was (correct me if I'm wrong) the very first major FA acquisition the TITS posse made back in the Spring of '08.  He held it down for much of '08 and '09 and played an integral role in the development of Jake Long during his rookie season.  Those two solidified the left side of the line for much of 2008 and 2009, but Smiley's deteriorating shoulder situation presented us with quite the quandary:  trade him now to try to get some value or risk playing him this season until his shoulder exploded on-field rendering him utterly useless.  Given the depth our line APPEARS to have at this juncture, the FO opted to trade Smiley to Jacksonville for a (likely) conditional pick.  Details are to follow and are welcomed in the comments.

I'll admit I'm sad to see the guy go as he was one of the more pleasant player interviews to watch during the season and I kinda looked forward to watching him speak.  Seemed like a straight shooter and rather chill dude.  Not to mention he reminded me of my old grade school friend Chuck - even down to his facial hair.  I never get to see Chuck anymore as he lives in North Carolina and Smiley once filled that void in my weekly adult life.  I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU, CHUCK!!

/ cries to himself in corner

// thumbs through 5th grade St. Kevin's yearbook

UPDATE:  And not a moment too soon, the Dolphins also sign FA Corey Procter as insurance along the line's interior.  Procter is 27 and stands at 6'4" / 311 so we just got ourselves another big mule along the offensive line.  Procter was released by the Cowboys last Monday and spurned offers from the Broncos and Pats to join Miami.  So, yea, fuck you Pats!
 

Weekender: Jessica Salutes Zach Thomas

 

Have a great weekend, Nation. 

So Long, 54

Zach Thomas took the podium at the Dolphins facilities today to announce his retirement from the NFL and the Miami Dolphins. He got very emotional. But then he was handed some kind of magical baby because after that, he got happy again. Still, you couldn't expect anything less from a badass gridiron warrior that always left it all on the field on Sundays. Zach's tears were all about the gladiator in him knowing full well his days of denting Jets and Patriot asses were now officially over.  

Here are some of the highlights from his presser:

On Jimmy Johnson: "Jimmy took a chance on a slow, too short guy and gave him a chance. But I gotta say, I think he's an expert on talent."

On JT: "I hope he gets the same opportunity to do this. He's a Dolphin for life."

On Dan Marino: "Best quarterback on the planet. I'd call my parents whenever I picked him off in practice. They'd be more excited about that than when I'd get one in a real game."

On the fans: "It's been a great ride. You showed unconditional love to me. I'm sorry about not bringing you a Super Bowl but I know they're on the right track. I like what they're doing here. They'll bring us a ring. Thank you for your loyalty. I pushed it to the limit, gave it all I had."

As Tony Sparano said in his introduction, Zach Thomas is a Dolphin icon. One of the all-time greats. And a guy every linebacker who walks into this organization is going to know about. All 2,486 of them. 

Zach Thomas recorded 1,202 solo tackles in his career. Mike Singletary: 885. If the Hall of Fame voters don't get him in five years from now, they can all get fucked by an oil derrick. 

Thanks for everything, 54. It was an honor and joy to watch you fuck people's shit up good and proper every week. We love you. 

 

Zach Thomas and Dolphins to Announce Something Later Today

As reported in the comments and places like PFT, it seems the Dolphins will FINALLY do the right thing and allow Zach to hold a press conference to retire like the true Dolphins badass/warrior/genius/leader/maverick/Jets-killing-motherfucker he is.  After the FO shitstorms of inquiring about whore mothers, the mishandling of the JT situation, the sudden Ryan Clark disappearance, the AJ Edds-rookie camp-#54 mixup and any number of really bonehead, disrespectful shit our dearly beloved franchise has done recently, this is finally the right thing to do.

Still, if it really IS just a press conference for him to sign the one-day contract and retire as a Dolphin I can't help but be a little disappointed.  Reason being:  In the back of my mind there's the small hope that the media will be assembled in the room, cameras will be clicking, Zach and Ireland will slowly walk up to the podium with a couple of cases.  Suddenly, there'll be some discussion amongst the media members as to 'what's in the cases?  what's in the cases?' jibber, jabber, miscellaneous confused audience talk then BLAMMO!!!  Motherfuckers pull out Gatling guns OG Tim Burton-Batman / The Untouchables-style and fucking LAY TO WASTE THE ENTIRE ROOM.  Armando Salguero? DEAD.  Dave Hyde? DEAD.  Super-cool-guy-with-a-Jeep Jeff Darlington??  DEAD.  Shit would look like the end of the Pearl Jam 'Jeremy' video.

.....

.....

What?!
 

Note:  I believe The Dude may live blog it or do an immediate recap so tune in later - FOR THE DEATH TOLL!

ZOMG!! Brandon Marshall's Hip Exploded!1!!

So the OTA's happened yesterday, and the biggest news of the whole thing was that Brandon Marshall had to have a minor procedure on his hip.

Because we're in the Dog Days of Doldrums, you should expect this shit to be analyzed from every conceivable angle until your eyes bleed.

Marshall had hip surgery last year, but Jeff Darlington reported that this procedure was to his other hip. Or, as Jeff put it, "It was his other hip!" Exclamation points make all the difference. But the Dolphins don't seem to be worried about it. Tony Sparano says it was something that Marshall had to get "cleaned up."

Of course people will wonder if the Trifecta did their due diligence before they traded for Marshall when it came to knowing his full health history. Was this something that escaped their attention??? Did they not know about this???? Whaaaa???? Keep in mind that this is the same organization that asks people if their moms are hookers during job interviews. So yea, I think it's safe to say that they did their due diligence. Also keep in mind that The Beast played with a bum hip last year and still fucked shit up all over the place. 

But prepare for this to be THE major story of the off-season up until he gets on the practice field and starts running around in shorts with the rest of his teammates. PFT, Sun-Sentinel, ESPN, NFL Network, Armando Salguero, Dave Hyde, they're going to be talking about this until they shit a taco. So get ready.

In other news, did Brandon come out wearing number 19 just to fuck with us? I'm going to say yes. Yes he did. 

Non-Doldrumsy Football-ish Activity Will Commence As of Today

Existential Sparano looks to the Heavens for answers to his malaise

Well, how about that!  We finally get to see the full team run around in shorts today for the first time this year.  So many possible questions to be answered:  What number will The Beast be wearing??  How do Ronnie Brown and Will Allen look back from their respective injuries??  Who's the mystery man they'll install in the FS spot??  How will Mike Nolan handle all the young guys he's got under his wing??  How cute will Captain Balls look and is he cuter or less cute than he was before?  Which player will be having a Big Dick Day and show some chub through those aqua athletic shorts???  Will Pat White come within a parsec of hitting a receiver on the hands?  It's almost like a "Lost" episode in that 'answers will be revealed' on every episode except that you only walk away even more confused by the mumbo jumbo those mescaline-fed writers concoct during their wild writers meetings featuring Danish foods, german shephards, fresh soil, various sexual toys, a mannequin and a life-sized cutout of the Taj Mahal.  Who the fuck knows?  I certainly didn't waste 6 years of my life watching that crap show!!!

Anyway, follow your respective local writers as of 10 a.m. EST via their various twitter outlets to stay updated!!! (I'd link to them but my job internet is an asshole and they rarely link to us anyway so WHATEVER)  We'd be out there updating if we could but, like, ummm...we just don't wanna, ok?  It has nothing to do with our lack of legitimate access to or recognition by the thing we love dearly!!!