Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Can Will Allen Step in at Free Safety, Question Mark/Unsure Tone Inflection

Barring any major trades by the FO in the coming weeks, our Free Safety situation continues to resemble a Flannigan's plate of loaded nachos after I've plowed through them.  It's a dirty, stinky fuckin' mess right now.  Therefore, as an organization that prides itself on player versatility surveys the roster landscape for an ephemeral solution while our younger, developmental options mature, eyes naturally begin to settle on the name 'Will Allen' as a possibility worth considering.  Mike Berardino touched on this very topic in a blog post and it seems ole' Rock Hands is amenable to the change:

And if Tony Sparano came to him and asked this proud veteran to move inside and learn a new position for the good of the team?

“I just like playing football, man,” Allen said. “Whatever it is, I like playing football, and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.”

This is an intriguing alternative considering Tyrone Culver was hit-or-miss in spot duty last year and we've got two very wet-behind-the-ears options in Reshad Jones and Chris Clemons.  Will Allen is only a bit smaller than Renaldo Hill, who did and continues to do a serviceable job at FS.  I think given his experience Will Allen can start the season for us as Jones and Clemons get their sea legs and then move over to the slot as the season progresses.  The question is:  does Allen have the communication skills and catch-up speed to properly play the position and avoid Gibril Wilsonesque fuckjob scenarios???

Feedback welcomed in the comments.

Peter King Just F*cked the Dolphins Season, Maybe

In this week's MMQB, Peter King gives us his preseason rankings and places the Dolphins at 6 -- ahead of the Jets and Patriots. 

6. Miami. I probably like the young quarterback more than most do; I think Chad Henne is set for a breakout year, and I think the receiver group (Brandon Marshall, Brian Hartline, Davone Bess) will be good enough to give Miami enough at that position for the first time in years. Even though the Dolphins didn't get a fourth receiver like the one they wanted (Demaryius Thomas) on draft day, they'll be good enough there to contend. The most important rookie in the league to a playoff contender, other than Ryan Mathews of the Chargers, could well be Koa Misi, the second-rounder projected to rush the passer for Miami. But as Bill Parcells has said since he came out of the womb, "They don't sell insurance for that kind of thing.'' They don't, and Misi needs to have immediate impact to bolster the one area of the Dolphins that they need the most help -- pass-rush.

Keep in mind that the majority of Peter King's columns are pretty much just stories of him playing golf with people like Bill Parcells and Tom Brady, how much he wishes every Starbucks had some kind of orifice so he could fuck it, and how he loves the Boston Red Sox. Yet he gets paid a shitload of money to travel the country, hobnob with NFL stars and gets to write nonsensical shit for a major sports media outlet while being respected as an NFL "expert." Also, keep in mind that he's really horrible at ranking teams and making predictions. This time last year he picked the Bears to be in the Super Bowl and had the Saints ranked at 24. So to recap: Peter King has a better life than you even though he's dumber than a bag of pants.

Weekender: Equal Opportunity Zoinkers

 

We got a bunch of e-mails in our FN inbox today from some folks of Mexican decent who were offended by our swipe of Mexicans this week. And by a bunch, I mean two.

First of all: Hola! Hello. How are you.

Secondly: If the whole "A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes" thing didn't tip you off as to the kind of crap you'll read here, perhaps all the sentences with the word "fuck" generously peppered throughout should have.

Thirdly: You obviously haven't read through the archives well enough because it's our hatred for Canadians that fuels us!

But it's all good. We've offended, so we make it right. Hey, we love Mexicans. We're huge fans of Greg Camarillo around here. And when Arizona passed that shitty racist law of theirs, I was all "Grrr!! Fuck those people! The Arizona government, I mean. Not the Mexican people! The Mexican people are cool as fuck!" before slamming my fist on my desk in defiance.

So, to make up for the offense, we cancel the original Weekender Girl we had planned, and give you Joanna Mata. Yes. She's Mexican. And holy encheladas her tetas are fantastico!

I love any country that can share something like a Joanna Mata with the rest of the world. I always said that love and understanding will lead us to world wide peace. That and a great pair of tits. Ah the politicians never listen! 

Seriously, they're jokes people. Sure, maybe not great jokes. But jokes nonetheless. Whites, blacks, hispanics, Mormons, Tom Brady's bunghole. No one and nothing is safe or sacred here. So, we hope you accept our apology and we hope you enjoy your weekend. And, VIVA ZAPATA!

More Joanna after the jump

Bubble Boys

 

Omar Kelly gives us 15 Dolphins players he thinks are on the bubble entering this off-season. I give you a picture of Kelly Brook and her tits coming out of the ocean. I WIN!

Anyway, Omar tells us who he thinks might be getting their walking papers when the time to trim things down to 53 players comes:

In year three of this renovation project, the Dolphins are getting to the point where former first-round picks, players such as Jason Allen, are no longer safe.

And it's highly likely that some of this front office's own lackluster draftees over the last three years – Pat White, Patrick Turner, Andrew Gardner... - are all on the bubble, needing strong offseasons to extend their South Florida stay.

What? No Channing Crowder? How's that even possible? The only way Channing Crowder shouldn't be on this list was if he got himself a fake mustache and started speaking in a Mexican accent to fool Omar before he could write the article. "Ay Chiwawa! Channing no here. Andale Arriba!!" *Mariachi band he rented out starts playing while he runs away*

LINK DUMP!

Some things for you to read over and ponder while trying to figure out why the guy in the next cubicle smells like potatoes:

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-Both Armando Salguero and Mike Berardino tackle the OJ Atogwe question. Mainly, will the Dolphins go after him? And, should the Dolphins give a big check to another dude with shoulder injury problems? And, is he even worth it or was his one good year an anomaly? Okay, so that was more than one question. Congratulations, professor. You cracked the case.

-Should Will Allen be the guy to fill the void at free safety? If he's anything like the things that fill up my void, like a box of chocolate cherry truffles and a warm bath, then the answer is yes!

-OJ McDuffie something, something, something HOLY FUCK WHY IS SKOLNICK TURNING IN ASSIGNMENTS ON HIS HONEY MOON?! I'm not much of a spanish speaker, but I believe the appropriate response from his wife should be, "Pendejo!"

-Armando gives us a rundown of players he expects to breakout this season, and surprisingly manages to not shit on said players while doing it. 

-

There you go. That's what's happening in Dolphins news. Make of this shit what you will, the doldrums are here. Honestly, I could just cobble random words together and it would be just as informative. Spigot monkey store bubble sometimes, also. BAM! Dolphins news all up in yer face!

The Robot Chad Henne: "Human Blogger Can Consume Penis."

 

...In this case, he's talking about ESPN AFC East blogger Tim Graham. Apparently, Graham put up a blog post on May 5th saying that he thinks Mark Sanchez edges Chad Henne out as the second best QB in the division. Graham bases his argument on the fact that Sanchez's team won more meaningful games down the stretch and got into the playoffs. You know, like those December barn burners when they defeated the 3-10 Buccaneers, or that time they vanquished the mighty Colts' B and C squad led by pre-season MVP favorite Curtis Painter. Not to mention those playoff games where Sanchez handed the ball off 80% of the time. THE FACTS, THEY ARE IRREFUTABLE!

But today, Scouts Inc.'s Matt Williamson tells us not only is Chad Henne the better quarterback, but that he wins "in a landslide." In his breakdown, Williamson manages to describe Henne as the badass fucking robot that he is, while describing Sanchez as the foppy little willowy-armed shitstick that he is: 

Henne is the prototype. He has a very good arm and can threaten the field at all levels. He is well built and shows great toughness. He can stand in the pocket in the face of a heavy rush, step into his throw and deliver the football. Henne sees the field and reads coverages better than Sanchez, which is to be expected since Henne has been in the league longer at this point. 

...

Sanchez should develop into a fine anticipatory passer who gets the ball out on time. His accuracy will improve in the short and intermediate zones. But overall, I see Sanchez as a player who is very average physically for the quarterback position and he will struggle passing outside the numbers within this division late in the season due to weather problems. He simply doesn’t have nearly as high of a ceiling as Henne.

There you go. Tim Graham's old school way of evaluating individual players by "how far the team went" vs. Scouts Inc. breaking down game film, tendencies and mechanics. It's pretty plain and fucking simple. I think if Einstein had to write a mathematical theory describing this study, it'd go thusly: Robots from the 50's > Mexicans.

Off Topic: Self-Promoting DRK's Other Writing Endeavors

Just wanted to take a quick moment to alert all the FN faithful to a new collaborative site I've been asked to contribute to.  No, it's not Dolphins or tits-related specifically, though I'm sure there will be occasional mentions of both those things.  I also promise not to write about Jim Jensen anymore or anything like that.  I swear!  Anyway, feel free to stop by http://theheatlightning.com/ and check out my weekly column (entitled 'Three Things w/ DRK') as well as the other great writers on there.  All of them are snarky, smart types from Miami proper so you know it's going to be some homecooked lovin'.  I can't promise it will be all great (my inaugural post features my most embarassing, scary story ever and it's probably much better told over alcohol) but I figured you guys are dying for additional distraction during these dark doldrum days. 

Anyway, http://theheatlightning.com/. 

Stop on by...or we'll come out and pick ya up!
 

Growin Pains

Omar Kelly talks about what the Dolphins have been able to accomplish this off-season. Most notably, that the Trifecta recognizes that the defense was the main culprit for a 7-9 season last year. And while Brandon Marshall tops Omar's list of newcomers, the list is pretty much all defense, including new d-coordinator Mike Nolan.

A thorough look at all the moves made this offseason indicates Bill Parcells and company were determined to rebuild that unit to the point that every starting linebacker but Channing Crowder is gone. And their coaches are gone, too.

It's an interesting list, and Omar's follow up blog post keeps the questions coming. All in all, it's going to be a young team in a tough division with six players entering new positions to start the season on defense. 

In a related story, I finally managed to grow myself a mustache! I'M A MAN NOW!

*pulls down pants, does helicopter spin with penis*

Weekender: Featuring Kelly Brook & The Robot Chad Henne Breaking Up Ethan Skolnick's Big Day

 

Before easing into the weekend, DRK and I wanted to wish Sun-Sentinel columnist Ethan Skolnick life long happiness with his new and lovely bride. That's right. Our biggest fan from the MSM is tying the knot tomorrow! Holy shitsnacks! 

So Mazel Tov, Ethan! We're sure you've taken the necessary precautions in ensuring that Chad Henne doesn't go all Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate on your big day tomorrow (our advice: Run.... for nothing can stop him. NOTHING!).

PS- The future Mrs. Skolnick is NOT named Brandy. She will, however, be named Mrs. Skolnick. *sad trombone sound*

Much love and congrats to the happy couple. Well deserved. 

As for the Weekender girl, a little Kelly Brook after the jump to close things out. Have a great weekend, Nation!

Fins Nation Meetup Extravaganza UPDATE!

 Well, I finally got around to calling the ticket office today and here's the deal:

• We need a minimum of 20 tickets to be considered for a group rate
• As it stands now, there's not a ton of demand for the Jets game so there's a good chance we'll get called up for that.
• To ensure for this, I threw down a totally refundable $250 so that we're officially 'on the list' for the group tickets.
• There is no escalating difference price-wise; you just get to 20 and get a discount for each ticket
• Here are the rates for what they consider 'premium' games (like the Jets, Pats, Bears, etc) :

Upper level corner - $52

Sideline upper - $70

Upper 'Prime' (essentially sideline lower rows of the 400 level) - $85

Lower Corner/Endzone - $110

Clearly, we're probably looking at that $52 rate to account for varying income levels amongst our beloved readers.  I say that's fine and we save up any additional cash for liquor, food, whores, blowies, etc. 

Question is:  do we have a minimum of 20 people ready to do this FOR REAL??  

Please answer in the comments.  They gave me no fixed timetable for when I would hear back from them so we have to be ready at a moment's notice.  Once they contact me, I can find out if there are ways for us to individually pay without you all just depositing money into my Swiss bank account and me running away with 2 Tootsie's sluts to French Polynesia. 

Let's do this!