Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Jesus Christ, Mike Florio. Really?

 

I swear to fuck June and July are the most abysmal months of the NFL off-season. Case in point, the recent shit stirred up by Stephen Ross' comments. I'm not going to link to it or even quote it word for word because it really doesn't matter. Also, I don't feel like it. But the bottom line is, Ross said he expects the Fins to be in the Super Bowl this year. Then he said he thinks Chad Henne will go down as the greatest QB in franchise history.

Whatever. Old people babble on and on all the time. Rich old people, even more so. So the owner thinks his team is Super Bowl bound. Okay. Fantastic. Appreciate the enthusiasm, as misguided and idiotic as it might be. Hurray. You own a team and think it's better than everybody else's team. Good. Fine. It's just the reaction that bothers the shit out of me.

Namely, Mike Florio of PFT. 

In his latest post he gives us his theory to why Ross made the comments he did. Basically, Florio thinks Ross made these comments on purpose to -- and holy fuck is this the epitome of shit-tossing retardedness -- so that Carl Peterson can take the GM job when Parcells eventually, someday, leaves. Peterson will then fire Sparano for basically not meeting Ross' Super Bowl expectations so he can bring in his own guy. Let's say, Norv Turner, because what the fuck. 

Do you see the genius in Ross' remarks? He said all that shit so that he can set up firing a coach who is two seasons removed from leading a team to the greatest single-season turn around in NFL history, has the utmost respect of the players, media and fans, and who was handpicked by a two-time Super Bowl winning Hall of Famer, so that he can bring in a dude who basically ran the Chiefs into the shitter for 12 plus seasons.

IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER NOW! 

Evidence? Sources? Evidence and sources can kiss Mike Florio's dick. Because Mike Florio figures it all out with sheer guess work and deduction, because that's how he fucking rolls. Also, he's a lawyer. So you know you want a guy that can spin shit straight out of his ass to get you off the hook. 

"Your honor, my client bludgeoned a hooker to death and stuffed her carcass in the trunk of his car so he can take her to the blood bank and donate her blood to the earthquake victims of Haiti. He just thought the blood bank was located under the bridge."

"CASE DISMISSED!" 

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I know Brooklyn Decker and her tits have absolutely nothing to do with Mike Florio or Stephen Ross. But, Brooklyn Decker! Tits!

"The F*ck Did You Say To Me?"

Yeremiah Bell will take your Leadership Award - THEN FUCK YOU IN THE MOUTH WITH IT.

Slight FN Tailgate Extravaganza Update

Existential Sparano uses red line to demarcate life vs the afterlife - the non-existence of that which is

Quick update on the ticket situation:

• I should be getting a call in about 2 weeks or so.  If we had Premium tix or we rented out an all-inclusive suite for $400 bones each (I'm assuming 'all-inclusive' means any make and model of female escort I want, complete with Dolphins cheerleader outfit and fresh mozzarella sticks), we'd be able to purchase them now but that's clearly not happening.
• That said, when they do call us we have to be ready to go.  I asked about the payment means and, of course, the process is firmly rooted in the most advanced technology of 1995.  We have to do one big payment all together at once.  This is archaic and it fucking sucks, I know.  So I'm thinking I'll set up a new Paypal account and everyone will have to submit payments via that.  I absolutely hate being responsible for that much cash from so many people I love.  FUCKING GOY.
• I'm hungry and it's time for me to go home and take a nap during lunch.  That has nothing to do with the ticket situation but I thought you should know.  Oh, also I'm going to get laid a lot very, very soon.  Like a BONE DRY cum situation, if you catch my drift.  At best, maybe a small puff of smoke blowing out off my coughing, dry penis by the end of it all. 

More info for you guys as I get it.  I'm also open to any other ideas re: collecting money from you goons.  Paypal was the best I could think of but I'm clearly not very creative or internet savvy.

More to come...

 

O.J. Way

 

In case you didn't know, Rams safety OJ Atogwe is now free to sign with whatever team he wants. Also, in case you didn't know, your dad is a queer. 

Atogwe has been the desire of many a Dolphins fan for obvious reasons (that reason being we suck giraffe balls at the free safety position and failed to fill the void in the draft). But Atogwe comes with some risks. Namely, he knows a lot of teams want him, so he will respond in kind -- by asking for a shitload of money. OJ is also a bit of an injury risk. And then there's the fact that, although physically gifted, he's really only had one outstanding season. And this team still carries the stink of another one-year wonder safety in the recently released Gibril Wilson.

Ben Volin of the Palm Beach Post gives us some compelling arguments for and against going after Atogwe. No doubt this regime will talk to OJ. That's what they do. The question is how serious are they. Are they willing to pull the trigger on a guy that will ask for the bank although he practically doesn't deserve it? Personally, I hope they do. Of course we won't know until OJ signs a contract because this regime never shows its cards. Unless it's the "Does Your Mom Blow Dudes For Money?" card which, incidentally, are always the hardest cards to find when you play Go Fish for some reason.

Davone Bess Is A Good Dude

Dolphins receiver Davone Bess was on the Jorge Sedano morning show today on 790 The Ticket. But two minutes into it, Bess witnessed a car accident and then cut the interview short, telling Sedano he had to hang up so he could call 9-1-1: 

"Hey... hey, Im sorry. I gotta call 9-1-1, man. Can I call you guys in five minutes? I apologize, I gotta call 9-1-1 for this man. I'll call you right back."

Davone did call back, and told Sedano that the guy in the accident was okay and was walking around. Bess then expounded further on why he won't part with his number 15 for any amount of money:

"Life isn't always about money and materialistic things. A couple of the guys called me crazy... but the money will be gone in a year, a guy's character is there forever."

That's pretty kickass. Davone Bess is either Batman or Ghandi. Or Bat-Ghandi. Did I just invent the awesomest superhero ever? I think I just did. Davone Bess' actions are already inspiring me to greatness!

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You can listen to the entire interview here.