JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
The seemingly impenetrable force that is THE DOLDRUMS are. Now. Fucking. Over. Training camp begins today! Dolphins take the field at 2pm!! Brandon Marshall running around and catching balls! Karlos Dansby laying muthafuckas OUT!!! The Robot armed and fully operational!! Linemen swampass in full Everglades farty, shitty, swampiness! Oklahoma drills! One-handed catches that mean nothing yet writers will tweet about! Early defensive superiority over general offensive mediocrity!!! SWAMP ASSES!!
So many questions: Who will provide actual pass rush??? Who will surprise us out of training camp ala Davone Bess and Brian Hartline?? Can Chris Clemons secure the FS spot?? How will the new-look offense, well, look? Who will win this year's J.R. Tolver Award?? Has The Robot finally learned how to throw a fucking screen pass consistently??? Who will get into a fight?? Will anyone come out crying like Manny Wright after Little Debbie's Fuckface yelled at him for not dressing in shells that morning?? Will Pat White hilariously hit several people and objects on a simple pass with Benny Hill-like absurdity?? Will we finally find a true kick returner worth a dick??? Will Arrrrrrmando finally 'come out' during this training camp?? Will Omar Kelly admonish us for not respecting, nay even UNDERSTANDING, gritty line play??? Who will be allowed to ride shotgun in Jeff Darlington's Jeep to and from practice??? Will his tires have that Armor-All sheen to them EVERY SINGLE MORNING??? Gah, SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!
Fuck you, Doldrums! It's training camp! It's Miami Dolphins football w/ actual tackling!!! It's swampass time!! Titties!! Perfectly waxed 18 yr old pussies!!! Gorillas riding dragons while shooting t-shirt cannons full of beer and carnitas burritos!!!
LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!!!
/ gets super excited
// revs up to run through brick wall
check back after 2pm for updates