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Name: Patrick "Pat" Christian White
Birthdate: February 25, 1986
Reported Missing: Miami Dolphins Training Camp Facility, Davie, Florida. July 30, 2010
Last Seen: Possibly killed in January 3, 2010 game vs Steelers
If you have any information leading to the whereabouts of this young man, please contact the Miami Dolphins immediately.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
The seemingly impenetrable force that is THE DOLDRUMS are. Now. Fucking. Over. Training camp begins today! Dolphins take the field at 2pm!! Brandon Marshall running around and catching balls! Karlos Dansby laying muthafuckas OUT!!! The Robot armed and fully operational!! Linemen swampass in full Everglades farty, shitty, swampiness! Oklahoma drills! One-handed catches that mean nothing yet writers will tweet about! Early defensive superiority over general offensive mediocrity!!! SWAMP ASSES!!
So many questions: Who will provide actual pass rush??? Who will surprise us out of training camp ala Davone Bess and Brian Hartline?? Can Chris Clemons secure the FS spot?? How will the new-look offense, well, look? Who will win this year's J.R. Tolver Award?? Has The Robot finally learned how to throw a fucking screen pass consistently??? Who will get into a fight?? Will anyone come out crying like Manny Wright after Little Debbie's Fuckface yelled at him for not dressing in shells that morning?? Will Pat White hilariously hit several people and objects on a simple pass with Benny Hill-like absurdity?? Will we finally find a true kick returner worth a dick??? Will Arrrrrrmando finally 'come out' during this training camp?? Will Omar Kelly admonish us for not respecting, nay even UNDERSTANDING, gritty line play??? Who will be allowed to ride shotgun in Jeff Darlington's Jeep to and from practice??? Will his tires have that Armor-All sheen to them EVERY SINGLE MORNING??? Gah, SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!
Fuck you, Doldrums! It's training camp! It's Miami Dolphins football w/ actual tackling!!! It's swampass time!! Titties!! Perfectly waxed 18 yr old pussies!!! Gorillas riding dragons while shooting t-shirt cannons full of beer and carnitas burritos!!!
LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!!!
/ gets super excited
// revs up to run through brick wall
/// faints
//// farts
check back after 2pm for updates
Ah yea...that felt good for a second to pretend to be the Daily News, NY Post or some other horrible newspaper that I never read.
Anyway, nestled in the news regarding the announcement of individual game ticket sales was this little gem:
Sunday, September 26 New York Jets 8:20 PM Hispanic Heritage/Orange Jersey
That sound you just heard was likely Tom Ass' pants exploding. Not only are we pulling some Jedi mindtrick shit on the Jets by wearing the exact uni's we were in last year WHEN WE BEAT THEIR FUCKIN' ASSES but we are now, what, 4-0 3-0 wearing that blessed color?? It's only right that we'd be PERFECT in the orange jerseys and that we'd wear them on a night when the FN faithful will be in attendance to root for our badass team. Rest assured, I will be wearing my slightly-too-small Ricky orange jersey (purchased in 2003 when I was not nearly so hunky and handsome, I assure you!) which may or may not be used to quietly strangle a Jets fan in one of the stadium bathroom stalls.
Sssssssshhhhh. Ssssslleeeeeeeeppp.
/ gently closes Jets fan eyelids, runs back in time to celebrate game-winning TD drive with FN cohorts
In other news, I'm not that happy about this. Prefer to fly under the radar. KEEP YOUR CURSED PREDICTIONS TO YOURSELVES, OVERPAID NFL ANALYSTS!!!
hat tip to commenter Rizzmiggizz on making me privy to jersey announcement
As for the return of Weekender, well, here you go. And I know you're probably asking, "Kelly Brook again?" And I'm probably replying, "Yes. Kelly Brook again. Now stop being a homo and enjoy the pics."
See you next week... hopefully not to report that some other dickweed got arrested for driving drunk or punched his girlfriend, or crashed his car and ran away.
Have a great weekend, Nation.
Update: It would seem that Kelly Brook and her tits are magical, because just as we posted this, comes the news that the Fins have signed former Jet defensive end Marques Douglas. It seemed that the Jets wanted to re-sign Douglas, seeing that they need depth on their d-line as well. But Bill Parcells swooped in and signed him instead because the Jets can suck a bag of dicks. Douglas signed a two year deal worth $2.5 million. Thanks Kelly Brook's tits!
Continue reading "Weekender: The Doldrums Are Almost Over" »
Defensive end Phillip Merling suffered an Achilles tendon injury and will miss the 2010 season.
Not that I feel bad for Merling, because the dude punched his pregnant girlfriend back in May, so he can help himself to a heaping sack of karma dicks up the ass. But this is a major hit for a defensive line that features middle-tier type players and no Jason Taylor. So now first overall pick Jared Odrick will have to step up, as well as Koa Misi, Tony McDaniel and Star Wars character Ikaika-Alama Francis. Holy fartknockers we're in trouble.
However, Shitface McGee is reporting that the Fins might now go after Cowboys defensive end Marcus Spears. Bill Parcells drafted Spears in 2005 when he coached the Cowboys, and all indications are Spears is on the outs in Dallas anyway. So, there's that.
So to recap, Phillip Merling used a pregnant lady's face as a speed bag and we let Jason Taylor go to the Jets and now the Dolphins biggest question mark heading into training camp has gotten even more question marky. The success of our defensive line now lies in the hands of Odrick, Bang Bus and a bunch of fuckers from the Mos Eisley cantina. I think I can sum up everyone's feelings when I say, assballs. Assballs to this whole situation!
It's just being reported that NTJason Ferguson (seen here slowly digesting Thomas Jones) will fucking RETIRE (fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!) because reportedly his back has given out. Both notoriously hermitic Parcells and Ferg released statements regarding his retirement. As we all recall, Ferguson had been suspended for the first 8 games of this season due to some performance-enhancing drugs he'd supposedly taken during rehabilitation from last year's season-ending injury causing Randy Starks (aka BANG BUS) to move from the DE position to NT.
We'd all hoped to get Ferguson back to shore up the DL front, particularly for the last 8 games of the season and any crucial playoff push. Now we're entirely fucked in the ass. This is a big, big blow. I think we all remember what our run defense looked like last year after Big Ferg went down:
Regardles, we here at FN wish Ferguson well. Dude was a respected vet, a hard worker and a fuckin' warrior on the level of Tim Bowens and any other badass that has shored up the middle of our defense against any other cocksucker looking to penetrate it. He was a badass and will DEFINITELY be missed.
Goddamnit. I would now like to personally wish AIDS upon whoever drafted Dan Williams within the Arizona Cardinals organization. AIDS ON YOU! DIRTY MONKEY AIDS!
As mentioned in the previous post's comments, Brian Hartline's truck was found crunked up and abandoned last week off of I-595 in Ft. Laudy after having apparently crashed into a parked Escalade. This seems to be a Dolphins favorite means of doing stupid shit during the offseason because, as you may very well remember, Channing Crowder did his own little 'Fall Guy' impression back in early 2008. Man, this sounds like a really fun thing to do if you're a millionaire football player: go all fuckin' Beatles filming 'Help!', use a real car to do some demolition derby shit and just laugh about it all while you walk away from the crash smoking a fat fuckin' doob. "Hahaha...I nearly killed myself or someone else, man!" Good times.
What I can neither confirm or deny is that the Dude and I had anything at all to do with this event as this was the same night he picked me up from the airport, we had a couple of beers and headed over to FN favorite Tootsie's for some late night "entertainment". I can't definitively tell you that we pulled some "Hangover" type high-jinks as we giggled and shushed each other during a carelessly planned caper that included taking a dump in Channing Crowder's mailbox, farting on Stephen Ross' sleeping face and/or stealing Hartline's pickup truck for some post-Tootsie's joyriding ala 2009's Bang Bus South Beach jaunt.
All I know is that these fuckers need to get into training camp, like, YESTERDAY.
And in an effort to spread the brotherly love, check out NYdolfan84's AFC East breakdown here.
The darkest depths of The Doldrums are now upon us and, coincidentally, it comes during some much needed vacation time for The Dude and yours truly. We have scratched, clawed, snarled and fought our way from the end of the season til now. From the MVN fiasco through the end of the season by the initial onslaught of the offseason Doldrums through the draft and barely through the entire Go Daddy assraping. It's been a wild ride, we are fuckin' beat and there's absolutely nothing to talk about until things gear up in a week or two for training camp.
So, in lieu of this, The Dude and I are doing our gayest 'Velvet Goldmine' impression and running off to the beach together. This will be my view for all of next week with The Dude popping by for some drunken tomfoolery as often as he can (as well as for the sweet nectar of my world famous, slow roasted, lime-infused, Cuban style pollo asado):
One post for an entire week can only mean one thing: Doldrums City. But that won't stop us from sending you off into the weekend with another Weekender girl.
So being that it's Forth of July weekend and all, we give you Francoise Boufhal. Because her tits are insanely huge and because she's a model from England, the country whose ass we kicked back in 1776 to earn our independence. But mostly, because her tits are insanely huge.
Be safe, have fun, and enjoy your holiday weekend, Nation.
