Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Joey Haynos: COCKPUNCHED!

 

It seems that the Emo Tight End era has come to a screeching halt as reports have surfaced saying the Dolphins have waived Joey Haynos. Haynos hurt his foot during Friday night's shitshow of a game had to be carted off the field.

Now the Dolphins are left with two tight ends in Anthony Fasano and Joey John Nalbone. Fasano had a good game two weeks ago when he caught two touchdowns against Jacksonville. And apparently Chad Henne thinks Fasano is the only receiver he has because he threw the football at him in the endzone again this Friday, even though Fasano was covered by the entire Falcons defense. So based on that, I expect a good season from Fasano. He's going catch approximately 234 passes and score 87 touchdowns if he and Henne keep up this pace. 

Dolphins-Falcons Open Thread

 

You out-of-towners can watch the game online here.

You can also read my game-preview over at Miami New Times, but you'll probably get more insight if you just stare at this cheerleader's boobs. I won't blame you if you choose to go that route. 

Weekender: Brown Sugar Edition

It's almost gametime!  3rd Preseason game!!!  GAH!

Ze Dude may be along shortly with a proper game thread but I couldn't leave you without some action for the weekend in case he doesn't.  So here's D-Wade's gal (and apparently a lot of other athletes' former girl) Gabrielle Union.  I'm not sure we ever had a black girl as a Weekender so this serves to dispell the notion that the men of FN are not equal opportunity lovers.  To paraphrase 90s band Body Count:  "If you have a pussy and you from Mars, we will fuck you."  Ummmm...or something to that effect.

I think you can see the game here, outside of the So Fla area.  It's airing on NFL Network at 2am tonight (so prepare for my drunken tweets!!!)

Enjoy the game and the weekend, Nation.  Go Dolphins!
 

I Swear To God, This Kind of Stuff Only Happens to Us

I'm still dying of laughter over here....

So The Dude emails me to tell me he got the tix and we're all excited to announce it to everyone when he throws in a couple of extra details that raise a few flags in yours truly.  Dude says:  'Yea, so there's 32 tix in here PLUS 2 tix to the Falcons game tomorrow'.  Hmm...sounds strange.  So after I call him up and curse him a few hundred times (including wishing an epic rain shower of fecal matter and semen fall directly into his mouth during the game and amidst several random "I hate you's") for scoring complimentary 3rd preseason game tix without me being able to benefit from them, we begin to realize something is amiss.  Dude looks through the tix and sees they're all on the same row...ok, sweet it's a better row...wait, there's a bunch of repeats in here...oh shit...this is fucked up...THESE ARE THE SAME 4 SEATS FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S SEASON TIX!!!

After laughing hysterically, contemplating ways we could shut down the site, change our emails, drop off of Facebook/Twitter, change our phone numbers and make off like two bandits to enjoy the full season together (with the company of two lovely ladies for each game, natch) as we high five each other ad nauseum, we called up a very embarassed Dolphins ticket office representative who assured us he would look into the matter ASAP.  OF COURSE, we couldn't just receive our group tickets like everyone else fuckin' does.  THAT WOULD BE TOO SIMPLE AND NORMAL!!

On the flip side, imagine the dude that went out to his mailbox today - all jolly and happy and unsuspecting - hoping to find his 4 badass season tix for the upcoming, promising season and instead found 30 FUCKIN' JETS TICKETS.  Talk about sad trombone sound, cuckoo clock sounds and kukuluku crazy jazz drums all in one fuckin' heartbeat!

Anyway, we'll keep you posted on when we receive the ACTUAL tickets...but...like, if there's just a Go Daddy page one day when you get here...like, they got lost and shit....

UPDATE:  Just got a call from the ticket office and Dude should receive the ACTUAL tickets this upcoming Wed via Fed Ex.  Sooooo...get ready to enjoy those 384 Montreal Allouettes tickets shortly!!!
 

Adios, Mexican Hermano... Hello, Benny Sapp Exclamation Point, Question Mark

So Season of Infamy '07 savior, possible FN reader and sure-handed, all-around dependable receiver Greg Camarillo has been fucking traded to the Minnesota Vikings.  Fuck.  Don't know how to feel about this one.  On the one hand, I guess there's quite a bit of confidence in the other guys we've got out there including the undrafted Marlon Moore and Roberto Wallace but, on the other hand, damn dude this guy was a fuckin' LEGACY Fins player. Plus, him and I may or may not have banged the same chick at some point.  So conflicted!!

The Fins are getting cornerback Benny Sapp in return for Camarillo.  We'd like to say this is a great trade, but we can't.  Only because we don't have a fucking clue who Benny Sapp is.  But it's always good to have depth at the cornerback position.  And Will Allen is still hobbled.  So a move had to be made. 

Wes Welker Trade, part II this is not,  given Camarillo's gimpy knee.  But he was a sure handed slot guy on 3rd downs that always knew exactly where to station himself down-and-distance wise to keep the chains moving.  Either way, he'll always go down as a solid Dolphin that fucking saved our collective asses from endless ridicule by his great catch and run against the Ravens in '07. 

Ay Dios mio!!!

Greg Camarillo Traded To The Vikings :(

 

COOLJEEPS! is reporting via his Twitter that the Dolphins have traded Greg Camarillo to the Minnesota Vikings. While the move is good in that it opens things up for the Dolphins to sign a couple of the younger, speedier guys to the final 53-man roster, this news still sucks balls. Sucks em dry. 

Not only because the man can catch a football with his ass, but because we have it on good authority that he was a fan of this here blog. Also, he's pretty much a Dolphin legend after single-handedly saving us from the depths of a winless season. Now he's off to catch passes with his ass from Old Man Cockshots. It's gonna suck ass seeing The Kosher Mexican playing against our team week two of the season. Goy.

Camarillo texted COOLJEEPS! and this is what he said about the trade:

"Mixed emotions. Great opportunity. But this is home. These teammates are my brothers."

God Speed, Greg. 

No matter where your career takes you from here, you'll always be remembered for this:

Um, okay...

 

So apparently Tom Brady came out and publicly said that he hates the Jets on Boston radio yesterday. He was asked if he watched Hard Knocks and he replied that he does not because he doesn't want to support a show that features a team he hates. Coincidentally this is the same exact reason I don't watch Hard Knocks. Also, because of the foul language. Also, because I don't have HBO (what am I made of money????).

Brady also came out and showed some love for the Dolphins:

"I've said before the best defense I’ve ever played against was the Miami Dolphins about 8, 9, 10 years ago, and they played pretty much the same defense the whole game," Brady said. "And it didn’t matter what you did, they rushed the passer, they covered you, they covered you short, they covered you deep.

"They had one or two change-ups that really complimented what they were doing. I had my worst games against the Dolphins. Our passing game against them was terrible, and we knew going into the game exactly what they play, and that to me is the mark of a really good team is when they do kind of say what you’re going to do but you do it so well that they really are not able to stop you anyway.”

Hey that's dynamite. Brady says the best defense he played against was the Fins .... 8,9,10 years ago. Uh. Thanks? Whatever. I still hate his doucheface. And while the only time I'll root for the New England Patriots is when they play the Jets, I actually root for the field to be overrun by a herd of rhinos with AIDS and that said rhinos go and rape every player in site first. After about the first quarter or so, when I see that there are no rhinos, I guess I then root for the Patriots.

DRK's Love Songs for Dolphins Players

(for Captain Balls on his return to live action)

You showed me (Henne, receivers) how to do
Exactly what you do (how to study film and be a great player in the NFL)
How I fell in love with you
Oh, oh, oh, it's true
Oh, oh, I love you

You showed me how to say
Exactly what you say (he says all the right things)
In that very special way ('special' = 'cute as balls')
Oh, oh, oh, it's true
You fell for me too (he loves being a Dolphin now rather than a piece of shit Jet)

And when I tried it
I could see you fall (in the heartbreaking San Diego game last year)
And I decided
It's not a trip at all

You taught it to me too
Exactly what you do (again, Henne/receivers)
And now you love me too (fuck you, Jets)
Oh, oh, oh, it's true
We're in love we two

Na na na na na na
Na na na na na
Na na na na na
Oh oh oh oh oh
We're in love we two
We two

You showed me how to do
Exactly what you do
How I fell in love with you
(You...)

Showed me how to say
Exactly what you say
In that very special way
(You...)

Taught it to me too
Exactly what you do
And now you love me too
Now you love me too
 

Dolphins-Jags Open Thread (Updated)

 

Of course the game is delayed because of lightning. 

Holy gorilla shit will this team ever play in a game where there isn't an El Nino-conjured monsoon ever again??

For those who need a link to watch the game, you can go here. That is, if this game ever gets going.

Kickoff was moved to 8:30 (EST)

Update: Kickoff has been delayed again and pushed back to 9:00 (EST). Because fuck you!

Update 2: Dave Hyde tells us via his Twitter that there is still bad lightning in the area and that the game might be canceled. Fantastic! 

Update 3: Dave Hyde tells us via his Twitter that the players have finally taken the field for warmups and kickoff will be in half an hour (9:30 or thereabouts). Keep in mind that this is Florida, so a tropical squall with sheets of rain and lightning could hit at any moment.

Update 4: Gametime!

LINK DUMP!

So today is the first day the Dolphins hold practices closed to the public. That's right, dicknose! No more sitting on sizzling bleachers in 98 degree weather watching football players run around in shorts for you! Fortunately, this means the regular season is almost here. And holy goat vaginas that shit cannot come fast enough. Until then.... A LINK DUMP!:

--COOLJEEPS! talks about what we've learned so far this training camp. Here's what I've learned: I'm actually a better football player than Pat White! YAY ME!

--Brandon Marshall started off yesterday's media session by punting a football. He was of course joking. But what would have been funnier is if he punted each of the media members in their ballsacks until they each coughed up their own spleens. That would have been fucking hilarious.

--Ronnie Brown has taken up the cause to end teen violence. He'd been searching for a cause. And he wanted to work with kids. And then he found a cause that works with kids. And then he broke his foot.

--The Fins signed 876 year old Randy Thomas yesterday to shore up the guard position. We seem to have an injury problem on our offensive line every damn year. But hey, who needs a bevy of young, healthy offensive linemen when you can waste a second round pick on Pat White. 

--Rod Woodson: Member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Also, member of my heart's Hall of Fame. 

Jesus H. Christ August cannot end soon enough.