That's right. It's about that time of year again. Fantasy Football time! It's the third annual FN Cockpuncher Fantasy Football League. You want in? It's simple. Email the FN Commish (Tom-Ass) as soon as possible. It's on a first-come first-serve basis, so get on it before the slots run out. Any questions, direct them to the commish. I can't promise you he won't lay down the hammer and punt you in the nutsack. Because TA with any kind of power means we're all doomed!! But feel free to ask him any questions about scoring rules and the draft and whatnot.
The live draft is tentatively scheduled for Sunday, September 5th at 9:15 PM (EST).
Brandon Marshall continued his reign of terror on footballs today after punting yet another one during the morning practice, this one after an actual catch and touchdown. This comes after punting the fuck out of a ball after two drops in yesterday's practice and on the heels of his two-drop performance on Saturday night. Clearly, after a stellar start it's apparent one of our most prized offensive weapons is showing some signs of frustrations amidst the recent 'problem' he's experiencing. Perhaps you don't tempt The Fates and wear the former number of one of the biggest draft busts in team history, since traded away? Maybe he's starting to get a bit more lackadaisical in his technique or thinking about that huge pile of money he can sleep on every night after practice?? Or MAYBE he's just going through a small slump but will still catch 200 balls and score 20 TDs this season???
Whatever the case, that first play on Sat against the Jags should be a quick slant or quick out to Marshall and we should feed the Beast early and often to get that confidence and swagger back. Let him play well into the 2nd quarter and get his football sense back. I don't like this any more than you guys do and it seems to me the quickest way to get past this bullshit is to JUST GET PAST THIS BULLSHIT.
Either that, or sacrifice Ted Ginn Jr. to the football gods and pour his fresh blood all over a Brandon Marshall jersey. That's how my grandmother would've done it. I'm open to your suggestions.
The first-team offense looked like shit. And it certainly didn't help that as soon as the ball was kicked off, a fuckin Amazonian monsoon was dumped right over Sun Life Stadium for the duration of the first-teamers' playing time. To make matters worse, every time our boys had the ball, they were on the infield side of things. Playing football in mud is one thing. But that's not mud. It's wet red clay. And it needs to be stuffed into a cement truck and driven into Jeffery Loria's ass. Also, fuck David Samson with a rabid badger.
On the analysis side of things: EVERYBODY FUCKING RELAX! Brandon Marshall will be fine. Yes, it would help if we actually practiced in the rain once in a while. But the two drops were an anomaly. Like a whale breaching water and smashing a boat. Or Arcade Fire. These things just happen sometimes with nary an explanation, and we just need to move on.
Paul Soliai meanwhile, brought his Samoan Warrior Ruckus with him and kicked some major ass. And Nate Ness! Holy shitballs! It would be nice if Vontae wouldn't give up another 30-yard play to a rookie and, even better, it would be nice if Sean Smith saved the interceptions for the regular season.
Now it's on to Jacksonville, where we can expect to see more of a whole lotta nothing. Yes, we were all very excited about preseason football and instead we got... I don't know what in Sam Hell you call what we saw Saturday. But no worries here, Nation. We'll be fine. Unless we start 0-3 again. That would be fucked up.
That's right, motherfuckers! The Dude is BACK! K-PLOW!!
And just in time. Because after another long-ass ball-busting season of non-football doldrums has had it's way with us, football season is back too. And, more to the point, Miami Dolphins football is back.
Also, you will get my game wrap-up right here on FN on Monday. But you can feel free to comment on the game on our open thread post tomorrow night.
So, we officially start the NFL season the only way we can, with a giant middle finger targeted straight at the doldrums. Go blow yourself, doldrums! And the only way to end the doldrums and kick shit off good and proper is, of course, with FUCK YEA BRAZILIAN GIRLS!!!!! (VERY NSFW which is why it's so monkeyfist fucking awesome).
Have a great weekend, Nation. And LET'S GO FINS! And LET'S GO NO INJURIES!
Aside: It is WELL-documented around these parts how much we love Omar. He's the link between the Maddenization of the fans and the willingness of some mainstream media members to embrace the New World Order (well, at least deal with it appropriately). He understands how to bridge that. However, dude was FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT these past two days on Twitter. In honor of that, I'm bringing this back.
The scene: A hot, humid, wet-hot-towel-sitting-on-your-face-for-hours day at the Davie training camp facility.
The Poet is seated on the bleachers, sunglasses on, snapping his fingers angrily and mumbling something incoherently as a crowd gathers around him. His angered, hushed tones are reminiscent of the moments shortly before it is said Jesus Christ broke down in a fit of rage over the buying and selling of goods in Herod's Temple. The Poet cleared his voice, stood up and with great fury and anger announced to the small gathering:
Yea, so there was that nearly 80-play scrimmage on Saturday. I know, I know. Dolphins offense sucked, Beast failed to impress, O-line is looking shaky, yadda yadda. It's just the first big scrimmage and we're not forced to write about shit that's really no big deal at this blog (unlike mainstream media), so we won't. These things will either work themselves out very quickly in the next few weeks or we're looking at a potential slow start - something we ALL know is not an option this season (or really any other).
At any rate, they'll go under the lights tonight from the stadium and we're hoping for a better showing from the offense. If not, the first preseason game is right around the corner on Saturday. The offense will be fine. It's early and defensive dominance is the norm. But, hey, look...David Martin's back! I remember someone wanting him to re-join us back in March.
So fuck Saturday's scrimmage. Let's just keep rolling and getting better.
UPDATE: Practice open to the public tonight at the stadium has been CANCELLED due to weather. Will be moved back to the Bubble. Blame the assholes that never put a retractable roof on the damn thing in the first place.
Sanchez, who had arthroscopic surgery on his left knee in the offseason, has embraced the expectations and pressure to lead. In many ways, it's been natural. He hasn't shied away from the spotlight even after subpar performances such as Wednesday morning when he went 8 of 17 with two interceptions in 11-on-11 team drills.
A certain local columnist that isn't thought of too favorably around these parts has a column out today suggesting that we trade Pennington to the Vikings assuming: a) cock-pic-texter Brett Favre, you know, actually REALLY decides to retire this time around instead of blowing smoke up our collective asses for the 3,947th time b) there's actual interest on the Vikings side in exchanging Pennington for a fairly high draft pick (say, 2nd or 3rd round).
Now, putting aside my obvious bias against this particular columnist, would The Nation make this trade? Given the leadership, insight, experience, CLASS, enthusiasm and overall ballsedelic awesomeness that Captain Balls has displayed during his tenure with our team, would you ship him off for a (admittedly) much-needed pick in next year's draft? Would you risk leaving your potentially Cadillac offense in the hands of Tyler Thigpen or whatever the name of that scraggly, unfortunate soul is that decided to wear Ray Lucas' old number and is listed as a 'QB' on the depth chart??
I'm interested in hearing y'all out on this one. Have at it in the comments if the boredom strikes you.