Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Victory Monday Continues....

 

Bar Rafaeli would like to remind you that, even though we got a big game this Sunday, it's still Victory Monday. At least somewhere in the world. And to commemorate this, she's taken her top off. Thanks Bar Rafaeli! You're such a super lady! 

Of course my penis is grateful. But my penis would also like to move on and talk about things like Darrelle Revis' injury or Braylon Edwards being arrested for DWI this morning all in the shadow of the Ines Sainz fiasco. Looks like my penis has a lot of growing up to do.

"Six of those sumb-tches in this game!"

 

Here's Fit Tony Sparano's post-game speech to the Fuck Yea Brigade after yesterday's ass raping of Oldman Cockshots and his merry men of purple shitsticks. The new and improved Fit Tony Sparano is fit! He's so much smaller, and yet still intimidating as fuck. He's even more scary now because you know he can catch you if you try and run away from him. And you just know once he caught you, he'd bench press you 50 times before impaling you ass-first onto a tackling dummy. Fit Tony Sparano is awesome.

Video here.

Anyway, please come to Miami New Times and read my game recap and then leave a comment about what an amazing writer I am so my bosses can see it and be all, "Look at this guy! He has so many loyal friends that pretend he's a good writer!"

Anyway... I know is this is Jets week and all. But let's keep reveling in Victory Monday until at least Wednesday before we turn our attention to those assholes. It's not every week that we start off the season 2-0 on the road. It's also extra special because we fucked up Brett Favre good and proper. And that shit deserves its own parade. Because fuck that guy. 

Aaaaand Victory Monday Just Got Sweeter...

PFT is reporting that Darrelle Revis is expected to miss 1-2 weeks with a hamstring injury.  Thus, he will most likely not be suiting up for this Sunday's big game against our FIRST PLACE Dolphins.  On the one hand, this is great but, on the other hand - oh boy - I can now perfectly envision douchebag Jets fans with their baggy jean shorts, spikey Jersey Shore hair and stupid fucking retard accents using this as an excuse when we hand their asses to them.  Fucking book it on that one.  'Yea, yea, yea...if we had had Revis it woulda been diff'rent..doy doy doy doy doy doy yoyoyo son calzone taxi subway ma' jay-z'.

Nevertheless, Cromartie just came off his best game in a long time matching up against tall, range-y, alien bugman Randy Moss.  So, it won't exactly be a cakewalk for The Beast but this is definitely good news for us.  Knock on wood, fingers crossed that we get the Cromartie from the Baltimore game and not the asshole that played halfway decent yesterday.
 

January Jones Welcomes You to Victory Monday

Some facts:

• The Dolphins are 2-0 for the first time since 2002 and have not gone 2-0 on the road to start a season since 1977.
• Approximately 64.1% of teams that start off 2-0 make the playoffs.
• Your Miami Dolphins no-name defense redux is currently the #1 defense in the NFL.
• Your Miami Dolphins are currently in sole possession of first place in the AFC East.
• Oh, and it's fucking Jets week.

So it's clearly Morning in America again.  The Dude will probably be by shortly for the game recap.  For now, sit back and enjoy your Victory Monday virtual blowie as if it were given to you by Dude and DRK personal fav, January Jones up there.  Let her rub her blonde victory locks all over your cum-heavy balls, let her giggle as her creamy white boobs softly tickle your winning scrota and smile as her soft mouth gently glides over your brick-hard victorious penis.  That's a good Victory Monday, children.

FUCK THE JETS.

GO DOLPHINS.

 

Dolphins-Vikings Open Thread

               

Last time we faced Old Man Cockshots, he was in a Jets uniform throwing us a crapload of interceptions and getting his wrinkly shit destroyed by Yeremiah Bell. So what the fuck is everyone worried about? Let's do this. Take care of these purple fuckers so we can come back home and take care of business next Sunday night.

FUCK. OR. WALK.

Let's Go Fins!

Keys to the Game: Dolphins @ Vikings

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde.  Ah, the rare Boner Trinity.

Got a lot happening today so I'll get right to it:

• We must beat the shit out of Favre.  We need him dead and bleeding on the field like an old Confederate general.  We must use the Saints blueprint of going after him again and again.  Even illegally at times with Wrestlemania-like cheap shots.  I don't give a fuck.  Remember Jim McMahon being body slammed by Charles Martin in '86?  If you don't, well, something like that.
• Favre is 2-2 in his career against us at home and he is 2-1 vs Mike Nolan defenses.  I just farted.
• The Williams wall is in full force so the running game will be marginal at best.  So it all falls on The Robot to make laser precision passes and scorch all naysayers with his accuracy and lay heavy titanium robot balls across their faces.  He has to come up big.  We absolutely need him to perform well in this game.
• Official Brian Hartline-DRK Callout:

HEY ASSHOLE!  WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOU OHIO PIECE OF SHIT FAGGOT, AND STOP FUCKING DROPPING PASSES,  YOU SHITSTICK.  DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME EVERY TIME YOU DO THAT???  HOW MUCH JESUS FUCKING CRIES???  CATCH THE FUCKING BALL YOU OVERHYPED, 2009 OVERACHIEVING PIECE OF RHINOSAURUS DICK CHEESE AND THEN RUN WITH IT.  GET YOUR ASS OFF TWITTER AND GET YOUR FUCKING MOJO BACK.  YOU MOUSE-Y FACED FUCKER.

• Our LB situation is pretty fucked right now.  No Crowder, likely no IAF, Misi starting on the strong side, Dobbins hobbled...it's a bit of a shitstorm (But, yea, let's trade our future 1st and 3rd for a WR).  We've lost Odrick for a few games and of course we're lined up now to face AP, who's probably one of the best in the league at bouncing his runs to the edge if there's nothing in the middle.  MUST. SET. THE. EDGE. ON. EVERY. RUNNING. PLAY.  There will be damage - there's no question of that.  So we must do our best to limit it.
• DBs:  For fuck's sake, CATCH the interceptions.  There's going to be at least 2-3 times in this game where Favre will sit back there and chuck the fuck out of that ball with nary a concern for where it's going to land since he's such a BIG KID OUT THERE JUST HAVIN' FUN.  Intercept that ball and run it back for a score.
• Pray to your Jason Allen bobblehead that he continues to get little thrown his way.
• Entire team:  Please stop doing that little cute bullshit where you allow the teams to come back after getting ahead and you cause all of us to have serious heart palpitations.  DON'T DO THAT.  Get ahead and stay ahead.

Prediction: Dolphins 34 - Vikings 20.  Punch them in the fucking MOUTH and please kill Favre once and for all.  Please.

GO DOLPHINS!
 

Why The F&%$ Not!

So apparently Vincent Jackson's suspension will only be 3 games if he gets traded, but he'll have to serve 4 games if he doesn't. Or was it eight games? Whatever. I'm too lazy to look it up.

Point is, as we all know, V-Jax wants to get the fuck out of San Diego and it looks like San Diego doesn't want him and that's really the whole fucking point of this post anyway.

I say fuck it. Let's get this motherfucker so we can just gash every fucking team in the fucking NFL for the next fucking decade. Fucking.

Now that Bill Parcells has stepped back, giving full power to Jeff Ireland, this situation is ripe for the The Ginger Cockpuncher to send a message. And that message should be: "Fuck you old man! I'm in charge now! We're not going anywhere if we keep drafting shitty tight ends from small schools! CANNONBALLS!!!"

Yes, we got Marshall, which is the tits. But if we can get Jackson to play alongside The Beast... then holy stacks of gorilla shit piled on top of a teetering turtle that would be monumentally ball-destroyingly awesome.

The problem is that Chargers GM A.J. Smith is a monumental doucheburger and would rather ship Jackson to a shitty team. The Rams and Seahawks are said to be in the mix. And the Vikings are also in play, which makes sense. Also San Diego is likely going to ask for a 1st and 3rd round pick for Jackson.

So the fuck what. Look, I've said it here many times that I like to have as many picks at our disposal as possible. Draft picks and building with youth is essential. But here's the thing. Jackson is 27 years old, just one year older than Marshall. They're both at the point where receivers typically start hitting their boneriffic stride. So it's not like we're trading for an injury prone receiver past his prime. Jackson's (and Marshall's) prime is just getting started. 

Practically speaking, getting Jackson along with Marshall would in all likelihood mean that we would have no draft picks until the 4th round next year.

So?

It's not like this regime has proven to be masters of the draft. So far, in two years of work and a shitload of draft picks at their disposal, only two sure-fire players have emerged: Jake Long and Vontae Davis. We still don't know about Chad Henne (although we're hopeful), Sean Smith got beat out by Jason fucking Allen, and there's the whole Pat White shitpocalypse. Our first round pick from this year is out for a month with a broken leg.

Besides, I'd argue that getting Jackson would actually expedite the whole "is Henne the real deal" thing. Because if he dicks up games while having Jackson and Marshall on the field, well we definitely need to move on. A tandem of Marshall and Jackson would immediately make The Robot that much better, while scaring the ever living shit out of every defense we face for the next ten years. The only argument against this would be draft picks (and maybe a contract? but why bring all these celebrities in and build night clubs if we're not going to get money to spend, right Stevie?).

Fuck draft picks. And fuck the rest of the NFL. Let's get Jackson down here and let's start blowing shit up. 

Dolphins Daggerin' Bug Strikes Again

 Last year, it was Matt Roth.  For months, we attributed his disappearance on the practice field as a byproduct of his penchant for excessive partying and barroom brawling.  Without the slightest legitimate explanation from our team's top brass, we'd come to our own conclusion:  Roth was hindered by the extreme sexual phenomenon knowns as "daggerin'" practiced by some Jamaicans.  By midseason, he was straight up cut from the roster without the slightest public provocation or even for the exchange of nary a 7th-round draft pick (likely a LB from OSU).  Our organization had already said so much without saying - well - anything, that Roth's excommunication from the team seemed to be a league-wide foregone conclusion.  Roth was summarily picked up by the Browns and has enjoyed some modest success in his tenure with them.

Now the daggerin' bug has hit Channing Crowder.  Crowder has been out since the week after our first preseason game and has been seen riding the exercise bike ever since.  It was expected that Crowder would start aside Dansby and that this new defense (plus the Dansby acquisition) would allow Channing to fly around more, make plays.  Sparano spoke of this.  Dansby spoke of this.  Crowder spoke of this.  Obviously this was exciting news for many of us that can acknowledge Channing's decent coverage skills/comedic timbre but tend to be skeptical about his nose for the football.  So the question becomes:  in an organization where there is such a clear line between being 'hurt' and being 'injured' and your responsibility to be on the field is at a premium regardless of your condition, are we seeing the last days of Channing Crowder as a Dolphin?  Is this something that particularly upsets you?  Are the muted responses of Sparano - similar to the official tone they adopted in our Rothian days - an indication that this team is going to move forward without him permanently in the coming days or weeks?

And another thing: are the Dolfan Bandits paid by the organization to attend every game in every city and always appear on camera or are they just two dudes that are absolutely fucking LOADED with cash?  I'm perplexed!

Your thoughts in the comments.

Kickass Ticket Update:  The Dude received all 30 tickets for our L.A. Sparks Montreal Allouettes Vancouver Grizzlies Miami Dolphins game against those god awful New York Jests.  Finally, some piece of mind regarding that crap.  Don't forget to email me your number if you're coming to the tailgate.
 

There's December 25th.... and Then There's September 15th

 

49 years ago today ... From the fires and mortar of Mount Olympus ... was born onto us .... 

THE RIGHT ARM OF GOD!!!!

FinsNation Tailgate Game Voltron Extravaganza Update!!!

Ok, children.  Here's the deal:

• We FINALLY have confirmation and a tracking number from the Dolphins ticket office for our tickets to arrive tomorrow.  Barring that these tickets are L.A. Sparks season tix or vintage tix from a 1979 Who concert, we should have all 30 tix in The Dude's hand by tomorrow afternoon.  We'll post once we do.
• Friday night - we'll meet at Scotty's Landing in Coconut Grove for our official meet-and-greet.  I would assume a circa 8pm meetup time.  If it sucks, we can always go somewhere else in the actual Grove and force feed The Dude a 'moose juice'.  I'll have a marker and some name tags (dorky, yet practical!) for us to wear where you can put your real name and/or your commenting name.  Or is your commenting name actually your REAL name and your whole entire life has been an upside down lie?!?!?!  / Inception'd
• You are totally on your own to find that location as of Fri night so any inquiries concerning location, time, proper dress code (actual tuxedos or tuxedo t-shirts are acceptable) are completely up to YOU as of party time.  Prior to that, feel free to bother The Dude via the email address that can be found on this site or you can email me at fntailgate2010-at-gmail-dot-com. 
• Saturday - you are free to do as you please.  I'll be getting more beautiful at South Beach on 3rd St where all the topless Brazilian women hang out.  You may choose to take in Metro Zoo or the Planetarium or perhaps Miami's Seaquarium, featuring Lolita the Killer Whale!  The Dude and I allow you to do whatever you please that day.  USE IT WISELY.
• Sunday - here's where shit gets interesting:

1. Do we want a proper tailgate all day?? If so, some fuckers need to get there early and probably pull into a certain parking lot together to take up about 5 spaces in a row.  I'm fine with spending all day there and drinking my face off / tossing a football around but that requires major team work.  Do we have 5 volunteers to do this to set up a FN headquarters??
2. If so, I'm assuming we want food.  Maybe we can collect $10 from some heads on Fri night at the Meet and Greet?? Then perhaps one lovely Miami-based soul would love to go to Publix and do all the shopping??  It's kind of my vacation so I don't really want to do this.  We've had to do a ton of other organizing so I don't want to do mad missions.  I will, however, make my grilling services available all day while we're there.  Anyone not attending Friday night, can just bring their own alcohol and foodstuffs.
3. Does anyone own a grill or should we just buy a cheapo, large throwaway one you can get at CVS/Eckerd's/Walgreens/whateverthefuck?  I guess this all comes down to Questions 1 and 2.
4. If we're going to feed ourselves on our own and not do the whole big tailgating thing, what time do people want to REALLY generally get there so we can assemble and begin to drink/hangout/get a stinky, drunk blowjob in a port'o-potty??  Maybe 5 or 6ish??
5. Someone please bring a REAL football.  Not some horrible Nerf shit.
6. Post-game expect a visit to the world famous Tootsie's for those of you that are unattached or feeling particularly saucy that evening.  There's nothing like a strip club fight with a Jets fan!!

Any other issues I'm missing?? Please feel free to address these questions and anything else in the comments.  Let's be badasses about this event and really make it worth our while.  This is our The Gathering of the Juggalos, family!