Hey
Hey!
What?
It's me. Your hair.
What do you want? I'm a little busy. I'm working on my intensity.
Yea. Well. Look. I know you've been getting a hard time about me lately.
Yea, yea.
You know... people calling you Justin Bieber and all.
Yea.
They're like, "Tom Brady looks like Justin Bieber!"
Yea. I know.
Although that doesn't really fit. It's kinda dumb that they're saying that.
Oh... uh... thanks.
I'd say it's more like you're morphing into a middle-aged lesbian.
AH FUCK!!!
Calm down, Ellen DeGeneres. I'm just trying to fuckin' help you here.
Sorry. It's just that I hate this look. But Gisele won't let me change it.
Pfft. Yea dude. We know. And if you had balls, they'd speak up. But instead, your hair has to say something. So listen up.
Okay.
Look, you need to make some changes. Your image has always delicately balanced on the... hmmm... how should I put this?? ...
Metrosexual side? Pretty boy side? Glamor side?
Douchey side.
Oh.
Yea. I mean. Remember this?:
Dude, you're the pride of Boston and you wear a goddamn Yankees cap? Really? I don't think there's been that big a collection of bewildered and dejected New England gingers since they ran out of fuckin potatoes back in the day. But it was hilarious, man. I'm not gonna lie. I even peed a little laughing so hard.
Wait? How is that even possible?
And then there was this:
Holy asscannons, Tom! Talk about a douche avalanche falling down Douche Mountain and burying a bunch of douche mountain climbers and their douche sherpas! The only people who can pull off a newsboy hat are hip hop artists and fuckin Andy Capp. Hip hop artists are black. So guess who you are in that little scenario, Chinmples?
I thought I kinda looked cool.
Shut the fuck up.
And I don't even know what to say about this one:
You going whaling, motherfucker? I half expected fuckin Queequeg to show up and hand you a fuckin harpoon. Plus, it was like 80 degrees that day. The fuck are you doing wearing a sailor cap in the middle of summer?
I was just being... you know, stylish.
You were being a fuckin doucheball, is what you were being.
What can I do?
Look, you've obviously just always over-thought your whole sex-symbol thing and have looked and dressed like they do in fucking Dolce & Cabana ads. Instead, just be yourself. You're a Bay area guy. Just jeans, a t-shirt and a regular haircut should do it. Stop it with the London Fog bullshit, man!
Did someone say t-shirt and jeans?
[Later that day...]
Hey! Look at me! I'm Tom Brady and I'm just a regular guy in a $38 t-shirt and $200 jeans playing catch with my dog in the park. Because I'm a quarterback, you see.
Hmm... maybe the douche is just inbred, then.
