Ordinarily, we give out gift baskets around here for players I trash whom then subsequently redeem themselves with stellar play in the same week of said trashing.
Today, we're doing things a little differently. Instead, I'm issuing this one-time breakfast, "Wake Up" version of our gift basket to Mr. Cameron Wake, as requested by the FN faithful for his manimal-like play and overall badassery jenkin jonez. You were called upon this season to fill-in for some big shoes and you've proven that you are ready to be the next great NFL pass rusher. After two weeks of absolutely dominating play against the Pats and Packers - where you seemed to take over the line of scrimmage for several plays at a time - we will need even MORE from you this week against the hated Steelers. I, personally, need you to do this for me because I've made a significant bet with my hateful, vengeful, insidious Steelers fan 'friend' that requires the loser to don the victor's team memorabilia for photographic mockery as well as minor financial compensation. I did this because I believe in my team and I believe in YOU, Cameron Wake. I firmly believe you will line up against any lesser man before you, destroy him, devour his spleen, consume his body (and that of his young family) like a hungry grizzly bear and then assimilate that man's soul like a great indigenous warrior. For NO MAN is your equal and this Sunday you will prove it for all to see - nay- FEEEEEL.
Within said gift basket you'll find:
- Beef stock consisting of all the dead Steeler greats (as well as assorted vegetables)
- THE TESTICLES OF THE GOD MARS HIMSELF
- Only the finest German ale made from the waters of the Himalayas and finest yeast from the dawning of our great civilization, from which you will drink copiously upon victorious destruction of our foes
- A vial of vaginal secretions from each of the 53 current Steelers mothers which you may wear around your neck during the game and which will give you unquestionable power NO FEEBLE ORDINARY STEELER MAN will be able to comprehend or combat
- A dozen raw Pterodactyl eggs from which you may cook your pre-game breakfast and the yolk of which has been preserved for MILLENIA for you to feast upon on this very Sunday (preferably with some yummy strips of bacon)
- A wine made from the blood of A THOUSAND KINGS for you to sip pleasantly on Saturday night as you contemplate the total vanquishing of our shared foe
- The hearts of Genghis Khan and the great Nigerian warrior Ogedengbe for you to feast upon the night before the game.
- Assorted cheeses, potpourri and a book on 'Haute Cuisine'
Consume all of this special gift basket and you...SHAAAAALLLL...BEEEEEEE...UNNNSTTOOPPAAABBLLEE!!!
RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
/ Street Fighter 2 Blanka sound
