Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Dolphins-Bengals Open Thread

Seeing how the entire Bengals secondary has died this week, this shit gets as simple as fuck: Throw the fucking ball to Brandon fucking Marshall. Run it too? Sure why not. But when we run it, RUN it... no end-arounds, no cutesy bullshit. Football 101, dickbags.

Fuck or walk.

Let's Go Fins.

Also, Happy Halloween! Because what eases strain and acrimony better than a girl with awesome tits in a tight cut-off superhero costume? Nothing, I say. NOTHING. Halloween is better than Christmas that way.

Keys To The Game: Dolphins @ Bengals

 
Okay.  You guys made me feel all guilty and shit so HERE'S YOUR KEYS, YOU DICKFACES!!!*

(*Just kidding.  I love you.)

The Keys:

• REVENGE.  And by that I don't necessarily mean taking a baseball bat to the head of everyone wearing black and white stripes on the field but taking it out on the Bengals in the form of fearless playcalling, flawless execution and disciplined/physical fucking FOOTBALL.  Stop dicking around and waiting to catch a break or have some asshole official fuck us over.  GO OUT THERE AND GET THE FUCKING WIN.  WINNING FUCKIN' ATTITUDES X 1,000,000
• That being said, their defense is very very pedestrian.  We can pass on these guys (Chris Crocker is back playing Safety, for crissakes) and their run defense ain't shit either.  Roddy White EXPLODED JIZZ all over their faces last week.  You mean to tell me Brandon Marshall cannot do what White does and then some?? 
• Unleash the Robot.  Take off the handcuffs and let him use that laser cannon rocket nuclear warhead arm of his.  Stop 'managing' the game.  It's Game 7 - figure out your fucking identity.  You want to be a running, grind 'em out team THEN FUCKING DO THAT.  You want to use the real, live actual weapons we've seen week-to-week in glimpses though apparently only the fucking coaches don't realize this, THEN BECOME A PASSING TEAM.  Jesus.  Just figure the shit out already.  Become what you are, Juliana Hatfield.
• Stop with the bad special teams shit.  Enough with the long returns and making me feel like I inhaled the ole' 96er from The Great Outdoors every single time we line up in punt formation.  This stuff should be very routine and boring.
• Get off the field on 3rd down defense.  Sparano called it an 'alignment' issue; I call it 'stop leaving open fucking spaces where teams can just sit for a first down after our defender slips for the 13,000th time'.
• Last time #85 played us he lit us up and he is again due up for a big game.  Quit it with the Dante Culpepper shit.  I'm tired of players that have some Miami affiliation coming back to bite us in the ass.  I HAVE TO assume that the players and coaches are tired of this as well.  FIX IT.
• The red zone is for fucking CLOSERS.  I barely want to see Dan Carpenter on Sunday.

That's all there is to it. 

Prediction:  Dolphins 24 - Bengals 20.  As Crazy Ole' Henning pointed out, all our losses are against elite 5-1 teams.  It's time to put fuckers that are not as good TO BED EARLY.  So let's continue our winning streak on the road and maybe next year we can play ALL our games on the road!  WOOOOPEEEEEEEE!!! 

One last thing:  It's fucking HALLOWEEN.  I think you all know what that means.  So I expect absolutely ZERO of you to be a little sorry pussyface and you better get your ass out to a party or central gathering of some sort and fully embrace the rampant SLUTDOM.  It is your duty as a man.

Go Dolphins!

 

Existential Sparano Wonders How Much More

 
How much more?

The game was well over 5 days ago, k.   And now we're gettin' word dat Henne's last pass was actually an interception knocking his passer rating down about 10 points and dat one of the refs in dat Pittsburgh game was the same one dat muffed the call on the Sharper interception return in the Saints game last year? 

If there is a God - and believe me, Existential Sparano sometimes questions his existence and execution even if there were one - then why are we still being punished?  At the end of the day, is this what Hobbes referred to when he wrote of life as 'nasty, brutish and short'?? Or is this all chance operation in the spirit of the I Ching??

Sheesh. 

The Trouble with the Offense

 
I gotta hand it to Armando.

Between his vehement anger over the bullshit, Inception-like fumble non-call on Sunday and breakdown of some key offensive numbers today, the guy has had a banner week in FN's book. 

It's some startling shit.  Considering this is the unit we all figured would be leading the way during the 2010 season, it's actually been one of the main reasons we're currently facing a bit of an uphill climb towards the playoffs.  Let's look at some of the culprits:

• I think first and foremost this starts with the OL.  The line was cutup, switched around, dipsy doodled (note: not a word), reshaped, reformatted, misaligned and all around fucked up.  We lose Garner, release Thomas for performance reasons and Grove for ca$h reasons.  The line can pass protect very well (usually easier) but there are key breakdowns in the run blocking scheme.  We have guards that can't pull and a rather pedestrian center.
• We have an offensive coordinator that - lately - has defined the stubborn 'Old Man Yells at Cloud' picture from the Simpsons we use here all the time.  The pinnacle of this being the infamous 3rd and 6 Wildcat against the Pats as we were driving.  If we do not find a way to evolve and utilize our weapons (Brandon Marshall is on our team and how about some more HB screens??  Hello?), then we are totally hosed.
• A developing QB who is still a bit timid with the ball.  He's learning every game (I thought he was particularly evolved last game, looking at several receivers against a ferocious rush) but he's still leaving some plays on the field. 
• Mediocre usage of the Beast THUS FAR.  Guy needs to be in the slot more and we have to find ways to move him around to create space, even against double teams.  Denver worked wonders with this last year.  How can we not find ways to steal their recipe??
• The unflattering running game (hand-in-hand with bullet #1) that has yielded all of 1 running TD this year (just ask the asshole that drafted Ronnie Brown).  The big holes of last year are not there for Ricky to pile drive through.  Ronnie looks like my sister and I working through the routine for our 'Star Search' audition.

Did I miss anything??  What do we need to do to get out of this slump?  Is it something that just isn't going to happen this year until maybe we start playing the Detroits and Clevelands of the world??? 

Your thoughts in the comments.

Well, Enough About That

 
No doubt we'd have a Victory Tuesday around these parts if we had beaten those jerks - complete with embarassing pics of my Steelers fan friend dressed from head to toe in Dolphins gear.  But, alas, a certain NFL referee from Washington, PA did not make it so.  In fact, he did everything in his power to successfully deter us from Victory Tuesday like the fucking asshole he is.

But know what he didn't do?  Take away the fact that Dolphins fans fuck the hottest people on the planet all the time.  IT'S SCIENCE!  Rest assured, Steelers fans never get close to any fine specimens like the one above because they would be WAY more interested in the popsicle (and where they could possibly take down about 147 more) than the fine piece of trim serenading you with her delicious mouth and bodacious bod.  At any rate here is 'Anonymous Hot Chick from Uncoached.com' to get you through the sadness.

Fuck the Steelers.  Fuck the fanbase.  Fuck Steratore.

On to the Bengals...

ALERT!!! CORPORATE BRANDING NEWS SOME OF YOU MAY NOT CARE FOR:

It's official!!!!  Our new Heat blog is good to go.  So please click here if you love the Heat or if you love us or if you just like to click on things wildly!!!  The Dolphins will always be our first love but MAN this Heat team is going to kick some serious dick.  So let's do it!!!  LET'S GO DOLPHINS!!!  LET'S GO HEAT!!!

(For some reason links are not working so please go to www.miamiheatnation.com)

*We now return to our usual Fins-related programming already in progress*

Existential Fumble Suffers Moral Quandary

 
Ladies and gentlemen, fans of the NFL:

I - the loose ball you see pictured before you - am a fumble.

I know this because I was jostled from the arm of one young Ben Rapistberger (I believe that is his name) prior to him crossing the plane of the goal line.  By my very definition, I exist when Player A - in complete control of me - loses grasp of me, by sheer force or stupidity, which causes me to become possession-less and open to recovery by players from either Team A or Team B.  Naturally, since I exist in a possession-less state, SOMEONE must recover me.  I do not simply exist on a possession-less plane, infinite in my unrecovery by either party for an interminable amount of time.  I do not simply UNexist??  Heavens, even the great cosmologists - your Carl Sagans or your Stephen Hawkings (though he IS a randy fucker) - would hardly agree!  In fact, I have taken the liberty of computing an algorithm for you that would yield such impossible results.  I call it the "Steratore Theorem".  Please.  Allow me:

 
Here, r = the ball, N = the force with which said ball was removed from the ballcarrier's arms and ∑= the sum of gofuckyourselfbecauseyourteamisnotwinning.  Naturally, the answer to this equation is undefined.

So as you can see, it is hardly possible that the ball cannot belong to SOMEONE after a play is completed - one or the other team must retain possession regardless of the ruling on the field.  Particularly under review, a play must occur in at least two ways:  Option A - say the original ruling on the field or, Option B - an alternate ruling that sheds light on what REALLY occurred on the field, and as a byproduct, who retains possession. 

For a final example, let us say that Team A throws a pass into the endzone to an open receiver.  As the receiver reaches for the ball it appears as though he has narrowly managed to include both feet within the plane of the endzone.  However, just as he is doing this a defender hits him, knocks the ball out of his hands and it is caught by another defender for an interception.  The ruling on the field is that the receiver had both feet down and was within the touchdown plane.  However, upon further review it is apparent that the receiver had only ONE foot down, thus making the now loose ball recovered in air by the defense an interception. 

Just because you originally ruled the play a touchdown, would that make the alternate reality (that really actually happened) null, void and moot?  Would you simply 'do over' and give the offense back the fucking ball?  How is that much different than our player coming up with the ball after a crucial fumble, supported by several refs calling 'white ball' and admitting we came up with it?  Why does the poor officiating of one play negate the reality that existed LIVE on the field??

The world may never know....

 

Gene Steratore Needs More Video Evidence

It's official. We get fucked in UNPRECEDENTED ways. 

 

Dolphins-Steelers Open Thread

No need to get too specific about how we need to beat these shitbags today. It's pretty simple. Get after that sphincter-faced degenerate quarterback of theirs and make him feel the wrath of the wolf. All fucking day. Also, we're at home. Let's fucking act like it.

Let's do this!

Fuck or Walk.

(as an added bonus for blacking out on Friday: Marisa! Tits!):

Thursdays With Henning

 

Every other week or so, The Dude and I get a quick chance to speak with OC Dan Henning after media availability for offensive and defensive coordinators.  Henning is known for his colorful personality and our in-depth questionnaire offers rare insight into the man behind the madness.  Let's see what that old, crazy coot had to say this week!

(On what factors determine Wildcat play calls)

Well, let me tell you something.  Using the Wildcat depends on the time of day, the score, field position, down and distance, a number of factors really.  Like, next time we plan to use it will probably be we're down 2 touchdowns with 6 minutes to go and we've got a 4th-and-7 inside the opponent's redzone.  I'm just crazy like that!  I do want I want, ok?  If I want to run a Wildcat at your goddamn wedding, you're darn tootin' I'm gonna do it.  It also depends on what underwear I'm wearing and if there's a skidmark or two from a poor wipe job.  Shit stain?  WILDCAT!

(On his feelings towards Steelers Hall of Fame Defensive Coordinator, Dick LeBeau)

He's one of my few elders in this league, ok?  I rarely get to say that as I am very, very old, you see.  In fact, have you REALLY looked at him?  No?  Well, let me let you in on a little secret.  Dick LeBeau?  Fuckin' VAMPIRE.  And he's a weird one too.  Sucks the blood straight out the cooter of pre-teen girls enduring their first mentsrual cycle.  Guy goes to more family dinner parties and Thanksgivings than anyone ever has ever.  "Where's LeBeau?", you might say.  Probably checkin every seat in the house to see if he can find a bloodstain!

(On how to be effective against the Steelers run defense)

Patience.  And end arounds.   And reverses.  And triple reverses.  And flea-flickers that are actually runs up the B gap that are actually punts from our own 1 yard line but are really WILDCAT option passes from Lydon Murtha.  I'm old!! I can do anything so fuck you!

/ storms off podium

Thanks, Dan Henning!

Well, Son of a F*cking F*ck...

 
Just a few phrases to make you spit out your coffee, grab a stapler, head to the bathroom and staple your scrotum to the drywall:

Jared Odrick breaks his leg.  Likely done for the season.  He registered one fucking tackle in his inaugural NFL season.  Another early draft pick that does absolutely shit for us (see: White, Merling, Smith lately).  More linemen-centered drafts surely to come when we need to start focusing on other areas early (RB, TE). 

Do I need to create a commemorative fucking Phillip Merling award?!?!?!  Jesus Fucking Christ, enough with this shit already!

The Ted Ginns and Tony McDaniels of the world are the most durable motherfuckers out there and this guy can't stay on the field.  His broken fibula from earlier this season - you know, the one he just healed up - was from the same leg he broke as a Sophomore at Penn State in '07.  After that injury, he had metal plates and screws inserted.  If this injury is to the same leg, then there's nothing else I can surmise but to assume that Odrick's bone material in said leg is made out of the cardboard roll at the center of your paper towel.

Meanwhile, FN draft favorite Jason Pierre-Paul is doing backflips through your fucking BRAIN.

The fuck!