Okay. You guys made me feel all guilty and shit so HERE'S YOUR KEYS, YOU DICKFACES!!!*
(*Just kidding. I love you.)
The Keys:
- REVENGE. And by that I don't necessarily mean taking a baseball bat to the head of everyone wearing black and white stripes on the field but taking it out on the Bengals in the form of fearless playcalling, flawless execution and disciplined/physical fucking FOOTBALL. Stop dicking around and waiting to catch a break or have some asshole official fuck us over. GO OUT THERE AND GET THE FUCKING WIN. WINNING FUCKIN' ATTITUDES X 1,000,000
- That being said, their defense is very very pedestrian. We can pass on these guys (Chris Crocker is back playing Safety, for crissakes) and their run defense ain't shit either. Roddy White EXPLODED JIZZ all over their faces last week. You mean to tell me Brandon Marshall cannot do what White does and then some??
- Unleash the Robot. Take off the handcuffs and let him use that laser cannon rocket nuclear warhead arm of his. Stop 'managing' the game. It's Game 7 - figure out your fucking identity. You want to be a running, grind 'em out team THEN FUCKING DO THAT. You want to use the real, live actual weapons we've seen week-to-week in glimpses though apparently only the fucking coaches don't realize this, THEN BECOME A PASSING TEAM. Jesus. Just figure the shit out already. Become what you are, Juliana Hatfield.
- Stop with the bad special teams shit. Enough with the long returns and making me feel like I inhaled the ole' 96er from The Great Outdoors every single time we line up in punt formation. This stuff should be very routine and boring.
- Get off the field on 3rd down defense. Sparano called it an 'alignment' issue; I call it 'stop leaving open fucking spaces where teams can just sit for a first down after our defender slips for the 13,000th time'.
- Last time #85 played us he lit us up and he is again due up for a big game. Quit it with the Dante Culpepper shit. I'm tired of players that have some Miami affiliation coming back to bite us in the ass. I HAVE TO assume that the players and coaches are tired of this as well. FIX IT.
- The red zone is for fucking CLOSERS. I barely want to see Dan Carpenter on Sunday.
That's all there is to it.
Prediction: Dolphins 24 - Bengals 20. As Crazy Ole' Henning pointed out, all our losses are against elite 5-1 teams. It's time to put fuckers that are not as good TO BED EARLY. So let's continue our winning streak on the road and maybe next year we can play ALL our games on the road! WOOOOPEEEEEEEE!!!
One last thing: It's fucking HALLOWEEN. I think you all know what that means. So I expect absolutely ZERO of you to be a little sorry pussyface and you better get your ass out to a party or central gathering of some sort and fully embrace the rampant SLUTDOM. It is your duty as a man.
Go Dolphins!
