Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Right Now The World Sucks.....

....so all we can do is take solace in the fact that there will ALWAYS be boobies.

Legend has it that after a tough loss you shit out Jets or Patriots fans.  They are literally born from the feces of joyful Dolphins fans.  Just flush them down the toilet and send 'em off to the sewer they belong in.

It's Wednesday.  There's a bye week.  Change is afoot.
 

Special Reamed

Fuck this fucking team.

Fuck the bullshit hold it's had on me since I was a child, teasing me with promises of happiness and elation, only to rip my fucking heart out again and again and again.

Fuck you, Dolphins.

Fuck your traditions and your heritage. That shit died eons ago. 

Fuck your shitty stadium with its shitty art deco post modernistic bullshit decor. It's a fucking football stadium, not the inside of a fucking Little Havana hair salon.

Fuck you, Stephen Ross. You shrunken headed goblin faced fuck. Fuck your ideas to make this a glitzy team. Nobody fucking cares, you cock. Fuck your night clubs and your bullshit orange carpets and your bullshit celebrities. You've turned this franchise into the fucking Titanic. Just because you grew up not being invited to sit at the cool kids' table at Beach High doesn't give you the fucking right to utterly ruin my fucking football team with parties featuring hackneyed celebrities who haven't been fucking relevant since the Clinton administration, and who never had any fucking talent to begin with.

Sometimes When We Fall, We Fall Hard

There's two things you can do with this absolutely monumental beatdown:

1) You can pull in your tail like a good little bitch and call it a season.  You can belly ache and cry about it for days on end.  That's what fucking LOSERS do.

OR

2) You can call this 'rock bottom' and you do a complete, thorough assertion of everything that has been lurking in the shadows with this team.  There are clear problems with the special teams that have been just ACHING to make their presence felt.  You have issues with the confidence and development of the QB.  You have CLEAR issues with the scheming, coaching staff and top-to-bottom direction of this team.  You have a bye week to SORT THIS SHIT OUT before you face a murderer's row of opponents that may leave you 2-8 before you're barely through the midway point.  I don't mean to be too alarmist considering our record and all but even those two wins - there was something not quite right about the taste to those wins and I think you saw the shakey foundation tonight that has been quietly trembling since the preseason.

So.

Are you going to buck up and put the big boy pants on, sort this shit out and make SOME SMART FUCKING DECISIONS regarding your identity as a team, whatever the FUCK the management is trying to attract with that glityz/glammy STUPIDITY they're attempting to pull off and get your shit in gear for the rest of a long and arduous season?  Do you have the testicular fortitude to do the RIGHT THING, for once?

I don't know.  What I do know is that ages ago this team was built on mental/physical toughness and was - from management to lowly ball boys - a team that became very popular in America (and not soon after their inception) because the proper ideals and values were in place.  That tonality was not ancient or lost as it was visible again in 2008.

I hope we figure out a way to find that special thing again.

Final Note:  I wouldn't expect too many posts this week from The Dude or I as we digest this bullshit.  This kind of stuff really destroys us physically, mentally and dickjokingly.  But we'll be back.  We hope our beloved team is as well.

Kurt Cobain, April 5th 1994-style update:  Our fearless leader somehow musters up the strength and courage to eloquently delineate last night's shitshow in his New Times recap.  No idea how he did it.  He's like Iron Man/Superman/Spiderman/Batman/Wolverine all rolled into one.  They should make today a holiday in his honor.
 

Dolphins-Patriots Open Thread

 

It's go time.

Enough with the wolves.

Enough with the wildcats.

Let's just go out there and gash the shit outta some New England fuckers tonight. 

PS: Olivia Munn is taking us into the game. And if you don't like it, I will fight you on my lawn with police helicopter lights shining down on us, Lethal Weapon style.

FUCK OR WALK.

Keys to the Game: Patriots @ Dolphins

Well, we have an absolutely huge game going into the bye week tonight where a little bit of momentum could make the next two weeks without Dolphins football feel a bit more tolerable.  We always play the Pats well at home and tonight should be no exception under the lights, particulary with a floundering Pats defense that is ranked 24th against the run and 25th against the pass.  If there was ever an opportunity for a league-wide, eye-opening fuckin' BEATDOWN, it's tonight against these assholes.

Keys:

• I'm going to walk over to St. Patrick's Cathedral during my lunch break and light a candle for whoever needs to cover the tight end in our defense.  Maybe divine intervention will help because it is such a huge, glaring hole that has existed for well over 2 years now (at least) that I cannot fucking fathom how we have not compensated for this weakness.  Yeremiah Bell, Barbie Carpenter, Sean Smith and whoever the fuck else needs to step up their game.  These dicknoses have 2 pretty damn good rookie TEs.  The only guy that seems capable of covering the TE is fucking Karlos Dansby and, last I checked, we only have ONE of that guy.
• Welkah vs. whoever's in the slot.  Both Sapp and Sean Smith need to be on their toes tonight because that fucking TRAITOR (yes, I know WE traded HIM but still) is a goddamn miracle fairy from the Land of Rapidly Healing Knees.  I don't know how the fuck that little elf managed to get so spry, so quickly but it pisses me off and we need to squash him.
• Vontae vs Randy Moss:  Moss is going to get his catches so we just need to limit him as well.  VD owned his ass in the game at home last year and we need him to be as good as he was that day.  More post big-play/interception, Jesus Christ pose screams into the night air!!  (*injury*)
• The running game needs to get back in gear.  Yes, the Pats secondary is as weak as Mark Sanchez's bloody underwear alibi.  Yes, Henne's prior big game before last week was the game against the Pats at home last year.  But we need to get this running game going.  Running the football is supposed to be our bread and butter and it hasn't done shit.  Also, Ronnie Brown is on my fantasy team so PRODUCE, YOU DICK!
• With that in mind, the interior line vs Vince Wilfork.  Beat that fat fucker down.  Then sign him in the offseason and make him ours! Yay!
• Exploit the Pats secondary.  The Beast can add to his burgeoning legacy by sticking a bag of 'fuck you' angry live crabs in Sterling Sharpe's mouth.  He should have a big game tonight - as should the rest of the receiving corps.  Honestly, the offense should have well over 400 fucking yards.  There's no excuse.
• Hey kickass defense from first 2 games, ummm...you guys wanna come back to life again tonight?  That would be just dandy.  kthxbai
• Hit Brady hard and often.  If we're lucky we can kill him and then try the unenviable task of killing whatever that fucking thing is on his head.
• There's only two reasons we should see the Wildcat tonight:  1) It's 1st and Goal from the 1 yard line; 2) All the other QBs on our roster are mysteriously and simultaneously felled by poison darts at kickoff.  Even then, MAYBE it still shouldn't be used if Situation #2 happens.

Prediction:  Dolphins 31 - Pats 10.  Offense continues our badass ways from last week and the defense stiffens up like a long, black Lexington Steele-sized cock right into Tawwmy Brady and that ridiculous haircut of his.  Right in his stupid fucking face!  Fuck Brady, fuck the Pats, fuck all of New England and their thinly veiled racism.  This is their comeuppance.

GO DOLPHINS!

Weekender: Because we don't play til Monday, so here ya go...

 

This is what happens when we post three things in one day. The next day, you don't get shit. Sorry! Also, DRK's Keys to the Game won't be posted until Monday, since the game is on Monday. Instead, pour yourself a drink and go read his latest contribution to Heat Lightning. Hell, I had two. 

Anyway... onto the weekend, where we await what is something of a must-win game for the Fins. But, again, we'll tackle that shit on Monday. For now, a sort of special guest appearance by the Weekender to send you on your merry way.

I wanted to post some random news items, but my penis vetoed that and told me to do a typical Weekender and post a picture of Irina Shayk instead. And who am I to argue. That dude knows a lot of shit. The other day, I heard it giving directions to the nearest outlet mall to a Portuguese tourist. In Portuguese! I think he reads and listens to self-help books on the iPod while I'm asleep. My penis is a real go-getter! Call me, ladies.