Every other week or so, DRK and I get a quick chance to speak with OC Dan Henning after media availability for offensive and defensive coordinators. Henning is known for his colorful personality and our in-depth questionnaire offers rare insight into the man behind the madness. Let's see what that old, crazy coot had to say this week!
(On how the offense plans to address the lack of touchdowns)
When I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a space cowboy. I used to watch the old Flash Gordon serials and John Wayne movies. So I thought combining the two was only natural. So I decided I'd be a space cowboy. I wanted to be a space cowboy more than anything in the world. I borrowed some jeans from my daddy, poured the goldfish onto the kitchen floor and used the bowl as a space helmet, and used my mother's hair dryer as a laser gun. We didn't have a horse so I rode my cat in the yard and made pew-pew sounds with the hair dryer at passersby and at the mailman. And when no one was looking, I'd plug in the hair dryer and then stick it in my pants because it made my penis tingle.
The whole neighborhood knew me as the kid who was a space cowboy. Sure, they called me the crazy little fucker who abused his cat and wore oversized Levis. But I knew what they meant. And once I passed out from lack of oxygen what with a fishbowl on my head and all. But it didn't change the fact that I was a space cowboy.
One day my daddy said "Danny, you are 17 years old now, it's time to stop pretending to be a space cowboy. That's not a real occupation, son." And then thirty years later, that The Star Wars movie came out and I visited my daddy's grave. And I peed on it. "I coulda been a space cowboy!" I yelled as I urinated concentric circles onto my daddy's tombstone. They called the cops, and hauled me in for public urination.
So there I was. A man without a future. No wife. No prospects. I devoted my entire life to become a space cowboy. But all I got was a crushed soul for my efforts. That and a big Goddamn burn scar on my scrotum. I swear that The Star Wars movie made a profound impact on my life. I never seen it, but I hear that Chewbacca is a hoot. I like monkeys.
/stares at me for three minutes
//walks off podium
Thanks, Dan Henning!