Typically, we hand out gift baskets for Dolphins players that excel on the field or for which we owe an apology of some sort. This is not one of those times.
Oh, Sal Alosi. Sal, Sal, Sal, Sal, Sal. Classy move there, buddy! You and your team of thugs standing within a fucking centimeter of the field boundary, hands in your pockets. Did you really think that the 2,918 cameras covering every single angle within that stadium for a marquee matchup would not catch you leaning ever so slightly to your left in an effort to trip our Nolan Carroll?? You sly devil. You're so smart and saavy! Shit. Enterprising and improvisational attempts at career-ending cheating of the highest sort deserve only the BEST gift basket for you. Allow us:
- A gallon of Ebola/rabies/monkey AIDS for you to share with your loved ones!
- In case that doesn't kill every one of them off, how about a sterility serum to insure that we won't have to ever hear the surname 'Alosi' again?? Wouldn't that be a treat?!
- Since you're such a big NY/NJ TOUGH GUY, how about spending an entire day or so trapped in a prison cell all by yourself with about 300 disease-infested New York City rats?! We'll even play Pearl Jam's "Rats" on a loop for you to spice up the experience!
- This gift basket also features a large Saguaro cactus plant for you to SHOVE UP YOUR BULLYING ASS HOLE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
- Hey, that envelope has a special surprise for you! Open it up! Go ahead! Nooooo, that's not cocaine for you to fistpump the night away at some Jersey Shore nightclub, you fucking drug addict fuckstick. IT'S ANTHRAX for you to share with your fellow thugs and cheaters throughout the Jets organization. It's a Vollum strain, so expect to be vomiting blood and experiencing life-threatening diarrhea in the next 24 hours!!! Whooopeeee!
- One personalized gift card from all of us here at Fins Nation with a picture of your mother getting fucked by Lexington Steele in her pooper along with a large poster that just says 'FUCK YOU CHEATING ASSHOLE' over and over and over again! What a treat!
In closing, we hope you have a lovely day - considering you're more than likely getting fucking FIRED and all that good stuff. Enjoy unemployment and being unable to provide for your family, you sick fuck!!! Gosh, I hope it doesn't lead to your own SUICIDE or something awful like that!
Toodles!
FN Faithful
P.S. O, HAI PIC FROM LILLY ROBBINS UNPROTECTED FACEBOOK PHOTO ALBUM FEATURING HER AS WELL AS A BUNCH OF OTHER CHEERLEADERS IN BIKINIS!!
