Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

The Kraken and the War Hammer Have Made The Pro Bowl. Bow Before Their Massive Dongs!

Cameron Wake has been named to his first Pro Bowl. As a starter, no less. I'd like to think we had something to do with this. We're so amazing!

Wake leads the NFL with 14 sacks, so it's only right that the guy who leads the league in making quarterbacks' balls shrivel up back into their bodies not only be in the Pro Bowl, but be a starter as well. Watching him skull fuck Tom Brady and Mark Sanchez into submission has been pretty much the only real highlight of this season. The Kraken is pure unadulterated awesome.

Jake Long was also selected to represent the Dolphins in the Pro Bowl. It's his third selection. I know we complain a lot about how we should have taken Matt Ryan instead of Long when we had the first-overall pick in the 2008 Draft. But you really can't go wrong with a defensive lineman/linebacker mauling, Nazi-killing, cock and balls annihilating machine like Jake Long. Just get him a real fucking quarterback to protect and all will be well with the Universe again.

Anyway, congrats to both those guys for making it to the Pro Bowl. God knows how truly epically shitty we'd really be without either of them.

In Memory of Lilly Robbins

Some say loooooove,

It is a river. 

Ah, Lilly.  Apparently yesterday was sad for all us Dolfans for more than just the absolutely pathetic, unwatchable product that we have put on the field.  One that cannot muster a win against a Detroit Lions team that before last week was incapable of winning on the road, much less winning at all.  Yes, that was sad.  But there is more reason to be sad on this day. 

Dolphins-Lions Open Thread

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend. Now let's shit all over it with some Miami Dolphins football!

Of all the meaningless games, this has to be the most meaningliest. 

There's very little to be gained from a win today other than to say we didn't lose to the fucking Lions at home. That's pretty much it. No one gives a crap about the staff looking to salvage their jobs. And a win only puts one more number on the left hand column. At least next week's game has some incentive. Like blowing up Tom Brady's knee or destroying Wes Welker.

Either way... Fuck or walk or teabag your cat or whatever....

Merry Holidays!

What up Nation!

Just wanted to let you know that DRK and I are shutting it down for the rest of this week.

DatRoroKid is busy growing a beard and drinking himself into a stupor every night. So he's got his hands full. And I'm taking a brief staycation to the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino where I will look to blow all my Christmas money betting on NBA and NFL games. Merry Christmas, Mom! It's a gum ball machine necklace! Weeeeee!!

Anyway, we hope you guys have a safe and happy holiday weekend. I'll try and squeeze a Keys to the Game post just for the fuck of it some time Friday. Perhaps even a Marisa Miller nipple pic or two, if you're extra good.

Be safe out there. Enjoy your time with your loved ones. And, as always, thank you for making our goofy shit a part of your every day lives. Happy Holidays and tits to you all!

We're on the list

Instead of re-living the clusterfuck that was yesterday's loss, we instead focus on the big news of the day. That big news being: Bill Cowher has the Dolphins on his list of teams he'd like to coach should the respective coaches of said teams get thrown out on their ass.

The Dolphins may be the most intriguing option because owner Steve Ross has wanted to energize his fan base as the team has played second fiddle to the Miami Heat ever since LeBron James and Chris Bosh signed with the NBA team. The Dolphins went into Sunday's game against the Buffalo Bills still alive in the playoff hunt at 7-6 but with a 1-5 record at Sun Life Stadium.

It makes sense that Ross would go after him. Because that goblin fucker would love nothing more than to spark the fan base and the national media's interest with a "sexy" name like Cowher's. 

Still. Big name coaches have slapped us in the balls once too many times recently. So you'll excuse me if I'm not jumping into the Bill Cowher circle jerk.

Jimmy Johnson, Nick Saban, Bill Parcells. Each guy had this fanbase creaming its pants when rumors began to swirl of their coming to the Fins' rescue. All three came, got paid, and promptly took a giant shit in our collective mouths.

If Cowher comes here, great. If not, meh. I'm just tired of the bullshit "old school" coaches who come here to grind out wins and build teams that win and lose 13-10 every week. Enough! Of! That! Shit!

No more of this bullshit Wannstedtian mindset of running the ball 80 times a game and having a shit-slinging quarterback who merely "manages" the offense.

So fucking done with that philosophy. 

But, whatever. At this point, they could hire Batman to coach this team and it would be an improvement. At the very least his press conferences wouldn't be the shitfests they are now with all the "we feel good about the direction we're heading in" bullshit coachspeak. He'd simply answer every question with, "I'm Batman!" and then disappear backwards into a cloud of smoke.

Dolphins-Bills Open Thread

We're at home.

Let's fucking try and act like it.

Fuck or walk.

Keys to the Game: Bills @ Dolphins

 
I'm going on 'staycation' for the next two weeks so I'll be mostly getting drunk every day, barely showering, tryng in vain to grow a beard and working on some music I've been trying to get back to more recently.  Being off of work and completely lazy for the longest stretch of time in about 5 years or so (maybe longer) is going to be the best fucking thing ever.  Your jealous tears only empower me!

My Keys have been absolutely terrible fucking luck lately.  Shit, The Dude's got it rolling so good lately that we even pulled out a win in that horrible fucking shitshow last Sunday.  So in an effort to shake off whatever mal de ojo I've got, I'm changing the format a little.

It's simple:  don't let Fitzpatrick go all fucking Joe Montana on us, try to complete more than 5 passes this game, keep playing that psycho-style defense we've been playing lately, somehow keep that patchwork O-line functional, maybe try and fucking CATCH a possible interception this time and avoid all dumb fucking play calls by that perennial birdwatching afficionado, Dan Henning.  He is to avoid all plays with this warning label next to them:

 
 Sarah Shahi up there does not approve of any bullshit playcalling.

Go Dolphins. 

Quick aside:  One of the greatest musical badasses ever, Captain Beefheart, died today.  I'd advise you to check out his music if you're into good musicianship.  Start out with 'Doc at the Radar Station' or 'Trout Mask Replica'.  A huge influence on yours truly.  He'd been gone from the scene for a while, but will be missed nonetheless.  RIP Don Van Vliet.

That'll Learn Ya!

Looks like Thursdays with Henning just got real. Because, according to the Sun-Sentinel's Mike Berardino, that crazy old fart just threw Chad Henne under the bus during his weekly talk with the press.

Here's a sampling:

This was the first time I can remember Henning being so openly critical of his young quarterback. You could sense the frustration in his voice ...

“We work on the protections,” Henning said. “We had a gaffe in the protection where [Henne] got hit. Really, that was his fault and he knows it. He’s got to set the protection the other way.” ...

Instead of going up 13-3 or even 17-3 on a miserable afternoon, Henne lost a fumble and broke one of the basic tenets of Tony Sparano Football: The Red Zone Rules.

“Those things would have gotten us started, so to speak,” Henning said. “You can’t allow those things to happen. Those are not only bad plays but they’re turnovers in the other direction. They go from having a possible good play to having completely the opposite. In a game as tight as it was the other day, it was critical.”

I mentioned that Henne typically uses two hands on his play-fakes and wondered how much time he spends on the ball-handling aspect of his game.

“We’re talking about one time since he’s been here that’s happened,” Henning said. “He spends a lot of time on it. We have certain plays that are two-hand fakes and certain ones that are one-hand fakes. That’s the first time it’s ever happened to him. You can say, ‘Well, the ball was wet,’ and all that. It’s not supposed to happen. “If you feel like you don’t have control of the football, then you ought to use a two-hand fake even if it was called for a one-hand fake. Those are judgments that guys make that they have to live with when the results happen the way they happen. I don’t know that it hit anybody. I think it just slipped out of his hand when he went to extend it.”

With that, Henning shrugged.

I love that Henning finished his nutty rambling with a shrug. What a crazy old coot.

So, in reading any of this, is Dan Henning really throwing Chad Henne under the bus? 

Yea, I guess. Why not. Just pile on the fucker why don't we. Coincidentally, those are the exact words that Ben Roethlisberger says to his penis whenever he runs into a passed out drunk girl at a party. True story!

Before we move on to Buffalo...

It looks like we may have found the real-life Zombie Goth Jets Fan!

I'm not one to poke fun at someone else's malady or handicap but HOLY ASSCUNTS THAT'S SOME FREAKY SHIT!!!

It's truly life imitating dick joke.

Now on to the next one....

Thanks to Marco for the tip

Site News (Update)

Just a brief heads up for the commenters out there.

It seems that this ole humble dickjokey Dolphins blog has gotten quite the hike in the daily hits and unique visits and other webmaster dork jargon in the past few months of this season. So much so that our comments section is getting inundated with spam on an almost hourly basis.

So, unfortunately, the only way we can put a stop to this spam bukkakee is to have you guys register to comment. It's a bit of a pain in the ass, we know. But it's going to help keep the comments (and my in-box!!!) clear of ads from Chinese shoe stores and offers for pills to make my dick bigger (don't need it! Call me ladies!!).

This means you'll have to register with a valid e-mail account. IF THE EMAIL IS NOT VALID, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO COMMENT! (so no more eatmyshit@Jetsarepussys.com or whatever).

We assure any and all paranoids out there that these accounts will remain in the system. We won't be selling them to some third-party company looking to hook you up with a Russian mail order bride (unless, of course, you want us to).

And, in the very least, it'll also weed out the shit-eating Jets trogs who troll our site from time to time. Although it's always fun to hand them their own ass and watch them scurry away. Ah... good times.

These changes will go into affect at noon (EST) today.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Thanks for your understanding. Now on with the dick jokes and titty pics! Weeee!! 

*Update*: The changes have gone into effect. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! You still might be able to comment at the moment, but if your email address is invalid, it will eventually be deleted. If you haven't yet, register for a Typepad account (it's free) and you'll be good.