Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Go Vote For Cameron Wake Right Now

Cameron Wake is apparently in fifth place in fan voting for the Pro Bowl. He's behind James Harrison, Terrell Suggs, Lamar Woodley and Shaun Phillips.

This aggression will not stand, man.

The Kraken has been releasing the kraken all over opposing quarterbacks this season like the badass motherfuckin' Kraken that he is. KRAKEN!

He's leading the league with 14 sacks for tittysake! James Harrison? Fuck that classless shithole with a Steely McBeam. It's not enough his team gets handys from the refs on a weekly basis? 

From playing his mind out on a piss-poor team that won't make the playoffs, to being christened with shitty nicknames that conjure up a dude's dangly parts, the man has had a tough enough season as it is.

Let's not let it go entirely to waste just because we're too lazy to rip ourselves away from Googling boobie pictures for two fucking minutes. All it takes is a mouse click.

So go here, and vote for Cameron Wake. 

LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!

FN Photo In Need of a Caption

 
Yours in the comments....

Fins look to offset loss of Brian Hartline by signing another white receiver

The Dolphins signed ex-Rams and Eagles receiver Kevin Curtis yesterday. The speedy Curtis had some solid seasons playing in St. Louis and Philly.

There's no telling if he's going to have any kind of impact on our shitty, shitty, oh so very shitty offense, or how long he'll even be a Dolphin. But the one thing of note here is that he's just three months removed from beating testicular cancer, and is now back to playing football at the professional level.

I once burned my tongue pretty bad eating some Wonton soup, but I was able to finish it eventually. It's like Kevin Curtis and I were separated at birth!

We Win Again

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The Dolphins just can't stop finding ways to kick the Jets ass.

It's not even close.

It's like Usain Bolt and a penguin in a footrace. 

Put yer godamn chest out, K!

You know it's Victory Monday when we fire up the Tony Sparano post game speech (video here).

Unlike the last one, there are no random old men standing in their undies. However, it's still pretty goddamn awesome. Why? BECAUSE TONY SPARANO IS A RAMBLING SPEECH MAKIN' FOOL!

Sparano gives the game ball to Brandon Fields after his 10 punt, 50-yard net performance. And you gotta love the way it takes Fields a good seven seconds to arrive to get the ball like he was taking a shit.

Fields takes the ball, and then looks like he's about to kiss Tony Sparano on the mouth because, that's what you do when you get awarded with a game ball, right??? The fuck man, I'm a punter! THIS IS THE FIRST GAME BALL I'VE EVER BEEN AWARDED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!

We give Sparano a lot of shit here for his in-game management and his total clusterfucking of the time out situation every week. And we certainly give him gruff over his pants exploding after every made field goal. But the guy is likable. And you have to admire his passion, as rambly as it might get. And, even more important, you have to admire the way he's won over his players. These guys look like they'd run through a brick wall for Tony Sparano. Even if his speeches are just a rambling mess.

"Didn't I tell you if you believe, K! Cause... lookie here... K... this was ... we talked all week about how we need to stay focused and how.... give yerselves a hand! LISTEN TO ME! All week long we talked about fire hydrant, baby foot, hair spray, Condoleezza Rice, tampon, stereo! K! NOW LET'S BRING IT IN HERE!!"

A Gift Basket for Sal Alosi

 
Typically, we hand out gift baskets for Dolphins players that excel on the field or for which we owe an apology of some sort.  This is not one of those times.

Oh, Sal Alosi.  Sal, Sal, Sal, Sal, Sal.  Classy move there, buddy!  You and your team of thugs standing within a fucking centimeter of the field boundary, hands in your pockets.  Did you really think that the 2,918 cameras covering every single angle within that stadium for a marquee matchup would not catch you leaning ever so slightly to your left in an effort to trip our Nolan Carroll??  You sly devil.  You're so smart and saavy!  Shit.  Enterprising and improvisational attempts at career-ending cheating of the highest sort deserve only the BEST gift basket for you.  Allow us:

• A gallon of Ebola/rabies/monkey AIDS for you to share with your loved ones!
• In case that doesn't kill every one of them off, how about a sterility serum to insure that we won't have to ever hear the surname 'Alosi' again??  Wouldn't that be a treat?!
• Since you're such a big NY/NJ TOUGH GUY, how about spending an entire day or so trapped in a prison cell all by yourself with about 300 disease-infested New York City rats?!  We'll even play Pearl Jam's "Rats" on a loop for you to spice up the experience!
• This gift basket also features a large Saguaro cactus plant for you to SHOVE UP YOUR BULLYING ASS HOLE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
• Hey, that envelope has a special surprise for you!  Open it up!  Go ahead!  Nooooo, that's not cocaine for you to fistpump the night away at some Jersey Shore nightclub, you fucking drug addict fuckstick.  IT'S ANTHRAX for you to share with your fellow thugs and cheaters throughout the Jets organization.  It's a Vollum strain, so expect to be vomiting blood and experiencing life-threatening diarrhea in the next 24 hours!!!  Whooopeeee!
• One personalized gift card from all of us here at Fins Nation with a picture of your mother getting fucked by Lexington Steele in her pooper along with a large poster that just says 'FUCK YOU CHEATING ASSHOLE' over and over and over again!  What a treat!

In closing, we hope you have a lovely day - considering you're more than likely getting fucking FIRED and all that good stuff.  Enjoy unemployment and being unable to provide for your family, you sick fuck!!!  Gosh, I hope it doesn't lead to your own SUICIDE or something awful like that!

Toodles!

FN Faithful

P.S. O, HAI PIC FROM LILLY ROBBINS UNPROTECTED FACEBOOK PHOTO ALBUM FEATURING HER AS WELL AS A BUNCH OF OTHER CHEERLEADERS IN BIKINIS!!

The Nacho Devastators!

When does a 10-6 win feel this amazing? Despite your offense having it's worst game of the year? Despite your shit-flinging quarterback throwing for a combined 55 yards for the game? Despite your old piss-bag for brains offensive coordinator calling for toss sweeps on 3rd and 15's?

When those wins come against the no class, over-hyped, cuntbag, cock-breath, gongloid, ass-faced, shit-stick, blue-balled monkey dicks known as the New York Jets. That's when.

Fucking. And. Glorious.

We can talk about our irrevocably shitty offense. But why bother? I mean, 10 points? And only because the defense put them in excellent spots to score said points? Fuck those assholes. 

Let's instead talk about the ball-crushing, dick-swinging monstrosity that is our badass defense.

Aside from Sean Smith dropping interceptions in droves (in his defense, I wouldn't want to catch anything touched by Mark Sanchez either. TRANNY V.D.!!!), the defense skull fucked Sanchez, his offensive line, Tomlinson, Holmes and the entire Jets offense with impunity.

The Dolphins D was all over Nacho and the Dickriders, sacking Sanchez five times and forcing him to throw shitty all day. Kendall Langford lowered the ball-rattling boom early, forcing Sanchez to fumble. The fumble was eventually turned into a Brandon Marshall touchdown.

Cameron Wake (Mr. Sack!) bashed that little fucker in the face with his giant monster-dong twice, earning himself a league-leading 14th sack of the season. BALL SMACK!

Aside from the fumble and interception, the Dolphins also held the Jets down on 4th down twice. Because fuck you. And when the game was on the line at the end (thanks in large part to the giant pile of camel shit that is our offense), The Kraken stepped the fuck up, taking down Nacho on two of the Jets final three plays. 

Probably the most satisfying part of this win: All the most insufferable, dickface Jets had their share of diarrhea taco-eating moments. Santonio Holmes? Dropped a pass in the endzone. LaDanian Tomlinson? Rushed for a paltry 49 yards. Braylon Edwards? Caught one pass for 17 yards. Rex Ryan? The permanent pained look of a man who just got his dick driven over by a riding mower. 

And then, of course, there was this. But that shit is par for the course with these knuckle dragging fucktwats. Sal Alosi can shove his apology up his ass along with Fireman Ed's helmet, with Fireman Ed's head still in it. 

We are now officially 3-1 against Ryan's Jets. And we hope this loss sends them into a late-season collapse of epic proportions. But make no mistake. This isn't a suddenly struggling football team we beat. This was our defense blowing up their shit good and proper. As if we knew any other way.

3-1, shit-suckers. 3 and 1. We hope every single one of you get your asses plundered by a Manhattan police horse. Fuck you all.

Onto Victory Monday, Nation! ...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 
 
As always, FUCK YOU JETS!!!

Dolphins-Jets Open Thread

Just fucking win, you shitface dickholes.

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Fuck or walk.

Also, fuck the Jets and their mongoloid troglodyte fans.

Keys to the Game: Dolphins @ Jets

DRK usually handles the Keys to the Game posts. But he's busy growing a beard, so I'm handling it this week instead. I don't know what the official record is, but I believe the Dolphins are something like 183-1 whenever I do the Keys the Game post.

Anyway... not much to discuss here. Just. Fucking. Win. Is that too much to ask for, you shitholes?

This game is more of a must-win for the Jets than for us. They need to bounce back from the absolute reaming they took from New England last week. And with the wildcard race getting tighter every week, they have a little room for error.

Our season is pretty much fucked, so I say we throw the kitchen sink at these dickbreath mongoloids and let the dogs loose. Nothing would make this season of shit easier to swallow than to fuck up the Jets season.

Brandon Marshall is set to return this week. And if you remember the last time they met, The Beast pretty much had his way with the Jets secondary. Also, Brian Hartline is out for the season with a hand injury. So, that means more passes to Marshall. That works for me.

Our defense just needs to keep doing what it's been doing. This time around, Mark Sanchez won't have Jason Allen to pick on, while Cam Wake and the boys need to skull fuck that little Mexican until he pukes his own pancreas. 

As we mentioned earlier, The Robot is due a big game. Because he usually follows a shitty performance with a ballstastic one.

That's pretty much it.

As a bonus heading into this week's rivalry game, I give you some fairly NSFW Marisa Miller (and by "fairly NSFW" I mean: NIPPLES!!! PERFECT GOD-GIVEN GLORIOUS NIPPLES!!!). Enjoy fuck-os. Let's Go Fins!