Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

The Robot Corollaries

The Robot heads into New Jersey

The Robot Chad Henne is a frustrating robot.

This much we know. 

What we might not know is if the Dolphins are going to stick with him as the franchise quarterback, or move the fuck on next season.

This would mean having to either draft someone, or trade for someone. 

For the time being, however, we're stuck with him.

And everyone is weighing in on the debate:

--Tim Graham says the Fins would be justified in sticking with Henne if they believe they're not in building mode (citing the Marshall trade and Dansby signing). I say, way to balls-up with a definite yes or no there, Timmay.

--Cote says we need to be patient and give Henne more time. At least Cote stands for something. And if you can't take a guy who has an imaginary talking bird making his weekly football picks seriously, then who can you take seriously?

--Likewise, Mike Berardino has also come to Henne's defense. He uses Mark Sanchez as an example to help his argument. Somehow this does not make me feel better.

--Dave Hyde of all fucking people gave up on Henne after last week. Then got a shitload of emails from Dolphins fans sticking up for Henne. These are the same Dolphins fans who think every Dan Carpenter field goal is just terrific and that we should never, ever, say that our team sucks. I'd like to ram a trident into these people's asses. 

I'm no football expert (although I'm pretty sure I can run the Dolphins competently enough where I'd make them at least a playoff team simply by virtue of drafting players based on the fact that they run really fast and can catch a football and not so much on, you know, their family or if their mom used to give handys for cash).

But I will say that I think I'm mostly done with Chad Henne.

I was one his strongest supporters. Mostly because I wanted him to be The Guy so bad. Also because we came up with his The Robot nickname (only to watch it spread by the mainstream media as something "random" fans just started calling him. Cockbreaths).

Cote says we've only had a year and a half to see what Henne can do, and therefore should cut him some slack. All I know is what I saw at Michigan (mostly inconsistent erratic, one day brilliant the next day shitty) is what I've seen in him during this year and a half span with the Dolphins (mostly inconsistent erratic, one day brilliant the next day shitty).

The good news is he had quite possibly the worst performance anyone can ever ask from their quarterback this past Sunday. Which means he's due to have a brilliant game this week against the Jets.

Yay history!

Zombie Goth Jets Fan Wishes To Retrieve Now-Zombie Ball

 
Oh, Mephisto.  How pleased we have been with how you have treated us thus far this season - especially after me and all your minions have guzzled so much DEATH JIZZ in your honor

Existential Sparano Wonders 'Why?'

 
Why.

One of the most basic human questions, k.

'Why do we exist?'

'Why do we do the things we do?'

'Why did you do this to me, Creator?'

'Why have I chosen to be a professional football head coach?'

'Why did I choose some jackass Jekyll & Hyde, Robot-ass motherfuckin' quarterback in the 2nd round?'

'Why did I choose another one in the 2nd round the following year only to make him change all of his mechanics, nearly get him killed in a game and have him runoff to try and play an entirely different sport?'

'Why did I select several players that have the bone density of a 40-year old chicken wing?'

'Why do I have an offensive coordinator that I caught taking a cat nap during the 3rd quarter of last week's game?'

'Why do we not run the ball?'

'Why do I fucking suck so bad at time management and in-game details?'

Actually...

'Why do I fucking suck so bad?'

K...

'Why'

There's an old story about a philosophy professor in my old high school who once put that single word as lone question in our classroom final.  Legend has it only one student had the correct answer.  The answer?

'Why not?'

That about wraps it up

If someone ever asks you what it feels like to be a Miami Dolphins fan, rip his balls off and feed them to him through his ass. Then say, "Exactly like that." 

I'm done with these fuckers.

Done with Henning.

Done with Sparano.

Done with The Robot.

All we can hope for now is to lose as many games remaining so we can secure a better draft spot. And then watch as we don't draft an elite playmaker because his mom blows dudes for money. 

Dolphins-Browns Open Thread

Let's keep this rolling. We're home, coming off a convincing win, playing against a team that really only has one play-maker on their offense. So no excuses. Feed the wolf, pump your fists during field goals, and blow Jake Delhomme's shit up.

Also, Matt Roth returns to face his old team, all healed up from his daggerin' injuries. Look for him have a career game, because that's what ex-Dolphins do whenever they play us. Also, Brandon Marshall is inactive again. Because throwing footballs to the sideline angrily and dropping passes is really taxing on the hamstrings.

Whatever. As long as The Robot doesn't revert to his old robot ways, we should be fine. We're always on borrowed time with that robot asshole, so every pass should be an adventure!

Let's Go Fins!

FUCK or WALK.

Keys To the Game: Browns @ Dolphins

 
Ok, gotta make this quick as I've got a date. 

Keys:

• Please stop that 'roid ragin' MANIAC, Peyton Hillis.  Bring a brick wall from out of the shot somewhere like some kind of Bugs Bunny cartoon.  I don't care.  An anvil, a brick wall, a steel plate...for the love of God this guy is SCARY.  He has gone FUCKING OFF lately.  Look at his stats last 4 games or so!  Ehhhscarry!!!  I don't care that TomAss has Peyton Hillis!!!
• Feast on Delhomme.  Remember when I said Cutler liked throwing INTs??  Well, haha!  THIS GUY HAS MADE A CAREER OUT OF IT.  Grab those fuckers like we did last week!
• Watch Cribbs on kickoffs, you shitty special teams dickfaces!
• Run, run, run, run the ball.  Exact same gameplan with Oakland.  PHOTOCOPY THAT SHIT.
• Don't fret if we're down early.  These guys tend to score a lot in the 1st quarter and then wilt.  Let this game be no different.  EXCEPT THAT WE HATE-FUCK THEM FROM THE BEGINNING.
• Progressing Rebooted Robot.  No unnecessary playactions or CK's herpes will start to flare up!! No stupid red zone interceptions.  Throw it away, get the play in for the next down.  Be efficient and stop toying with our hearts.  WE'RE NOT MADE OF METAL LIKE YOU ARE, YOU DICK!

Prediction:  Dolphins 34 - Browns 14.  Peyton Hillis gets his obligatory 2 TDs, but our offense and defense continue to click.  WE ACTUALLY RUN THE BALL YES PLEASE THANK YOU!!!

Go Dolphins!

 

Thursdays with Henning

 
Each week or so, The Dude and I get a quick chance to speak with OC Dan Henning after the weekly media availability for offensive and defensive coordinators.  Henning is known for his colorful personality and our in-depth questionnaire offers rare insight into the man behind the madness. Let's see what that old, crazy coot had to say this week!

(On being told Dolphins are 5-0 when rushing for 100+ yards)

Really?  Well, SHIT.  I'm no mortician or a math guy of any type but I know a few stats, too, you whippersnappers!  Did you know we're 6-0 when we score more points than the other team?  Did you know that we're 9-0 if you subtract 3 wins from that total and pretend like 2 other games never fucking  happened?  Did ya know we're 3-0 when I finger a circus elephant?  We're also 1-0 whenever I don't take a nap in the 2nd quarter.  We MAY be 10-0 for all I fucking KNOW but I sure as shit know we're 4-0 when my squash-sized prostate doesn't let me tinkle while the game's going on.  I know we're not 17-0.  NO ONE'S EVER DONE THAT.

(On the effects of Marshall's absence on the play of Henne, receivers)
Only matters when they get their goddamn paychecks.  Otherwise, I can't tell the difference.  I mean BETWEEN THE PLAYERS.  Because I'm so old I can't help but be kinda racist, you see?  That's just how being old WORKS.  Speaking of paychecks, I bet y'all didn't know I received the first pay check ever.  I was working on the Manhattan Project in '43 and ole' Leslie Groves tosses me a paper and says 'Don't spend it all in one place, Henning'.  Obviously, I had no idea what he was talking about so I said 'The Hell is this??'.  Groves says 'It's a paycheck, you stupid hick'.  'The Hell am I supposed to do with this?'  Anyway, Groves proceeds to explain to me that that piece of paper could be exchanged for cash money in certain places within the United States.  You wonder why I asked y'all what you did in San Francisco on Saturday night last weekend when I walked in here?  THAT'S BECAUSE I USED TO DEPOSIT THOSE ARMY CHECKS INTO GAY SAN FRANCISCO ASS.  Never got no change back either, if you get my drift!  They kept every last cent!  In their ASS HOLES!!!

/ Entire room vomits

// Entire room takes part in scene reminiscent of Stand By Me barf scene

/// Henning laughs maniacally throughout entire episode for close to 18 minutes

//// Slowly the press room lights begin to dim

Thanks, Dan Henning!