Each week or so, The Dude and I get a quick chance to speak with OC Dan Henning after the weekly media availability for offensive and defensive coordinators. Henning is known for his colorful personality and our in-depth questionnaire offers rare insight into the man behind the madness. Let's see what that old, crazy coot had to say this week!
(On being told Dolphins are 5-0 when rushing for 100+ yards)
Really? Well, SHIT. I'm no mortician or a math guy of any type but I know a few stats, too, you whippersnappers! Did you know we're 6-0 when we score more points than the other team? Did you know that we're 9-0 if you subtract 3 wins from that total and pretend like 2 other games never fucking happened? Did ya know we're 3-0 when I finger a circus elephant? We're also 1-0 whenever I don't take a nap in the 2nd quarter. We MAY be 10-0 for all I fucking KNOW but I sure as shit know we're 4-0 when my squash-sized prostate doesn't let me tinkle while the game's going on. I know we're not 17-0. NO ONE'S EVER DONE THAT.
(On the effects of Marshall's absence on the play of Henne, receivers)
Only matters when they get their goddamn paychecks. Otherwise, I can't tell the difference. I mean BETWEEN THE PLAYERS. Because I'm so old I can't help but be kinda racist, you see? That's just how being old WORKS. Speaking of paychecks, I bet y'all didn't know I received the first pay check ever. I was working on the Manhattan Project in '43 and ole' Leslie Groves tosses me a paper and says 'Don't spend it all in one place, Henning'. Obviously, I had no idea what he was talking about so I said 'The Hell is this??'. Groves says 'It's a paycheck, you stupid hick'. 'The Hell am I supposed to do with this?' Anyway, Groves proceeds to explain to me that that piece of paper could be exchanged for cash money in certain places within the United States. You wonder why I asked y'all what you did in San Francisco on Saturday night last weekend when I walked in here? THAT'S BECAUSE I USED TO DEPOSIT THOSE ARMY CHECKS INTO GAY SAN FRANCISCO ASS. Never got no change back either, if you get my drift! They kept every last cent! In their ASS HOLES!!!
/ Entire room vomits
// Entire room takes part in scene reminiscent of Stand By Me barf scene
/// Henning laughs maniacally throughout entire episode for close to 18 minutes
//// Slowly the press room lights begin to dim
Thanks, Dan Henning!