Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

"THESE BLEACHERS SMELL LIKE WH*RE JUICE!"

 
If you haven't seen it, there's some tasty video up on the Sentinel site (as well as other places) of lame duck GM Jeff Ireland speaking to a few reporters after Senior Bowl practices.  Generally, the questions veered towards the offensive side of the ball and Ireland did his best pursed-lips, "I seriously fucking hate you guys" act while modestly answering questions about how we plan to upgrade team speed ('BOUT FUCKING TIME), look into improving the offensive side of the ball while not sleeping on any defensive holes that need to be addressed and making sure all proper due diligence is done in all 'four' phases of the team.

Still, can't say I'm not a little disappointed he didn't just grab someone's iPhone 4 and yell 'WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!' into the camera for a good 27 seconds.  Maybe next time; you know he's really restraining himself right now.

photoshop by the awesome CK Parrot

Horatio Ireland Comments on the AFC Championship...

hat tip to amy13phins for this. solid work!

Hey Buddy...

  
(in very creepy, effeminate voice)

.... I'll see you Friday.

Now...if you don't mind...I'm going to get back to skinning cats and rubbing my black and gold penis over torn-out pictures of Justin Bieber in Bop! magazine.

Here we go, Steeeealerrrtthsss.  Here we go!

/ licks lips

Was It All Just A Bad Dream?

 
Thank you, Steelers.  Now kindly lose a heartbreaking game to the Packers because of bad officiating.

And, as always, FUCK YOU JETS!

Weekender: Argentina Kinda Gets It

 
Wow, this week I saw the Argentinian version of 'Dancing with the Stars' (straight up pornography for most of the world except for maybe France) and then today Star Commenter knowno requests the lovely Pamela David above.  Yes, yes...I see what you're doing there.  Excellent form.  Wonderful tittyball flojjjjj.  If there was a Westminster 'Hot Bitch and Pussy' Show, all the judges would nod approvingly at Ms David's eloquent poise before awarding her 'Best in Show'. 

Then they would all take turns fucking her like a dirty dog as she howled away...

Have a great weekend, Nation, and let's all hope for a controlled nuclear explosion on both sidelines of Heinz Field this weekend.  Nobody dies...just, like, 108 or so career-ending knee injuries.  IS THAT TOO  MUCH TO ASK, GOD?!?!?!  VONTAE DAVIS TOLD ME YOU WERE ALL-POWERFUL AND ALL-KNOWING!!!

Zombie Goth Jets Fan Pleads for More Devil Seed in His Belly

 
PLEASE, MEPHISTO!!!!

I desire more plentiful and viscous jizz to course through the veins of myself and all other Jets fans.  We desire your seething seed to quench our thirst for jizz.  You may baste us like a Thanksgiving turkey and use jet propulsion to fill us with as much jizz as possible in the most expeditious manner.  WE WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO FILL OUR ENTIRE BODY CAVITIES WITH ENOUGH JIZZ TO RE-POPULATE ALL OF HUMAN EXISTENCE TENFOLD!!  May the jizz be so scalding that it would melt diamonds.  May the jizz be so viscous that it could be used as paste to re-erect the Great Wall of China.

JIZZ!

JIZZ!

JIZZ!

DEVIL JIZZ!

I NEED MORE!

ALL THE TIME!

EVERYWHERE!

FUCK ME, SATAN UNTIL I EXPIRE IN SOME 'METALOCALYPSE'-CLOSING-CREDITS FASHION!

EYES ABLAZE, BELLOWING LIKE A BANSHEE AND STOPPING AT NOTHING TO CONTINUE THE HELL-ON-EARTH THAT IS THIS JETS PLAYOFF RUN!

Quick Comments Poll: Should I review this DVD?

 
I'm scooping this up in the next few days. 

Is there any interest in a DRK review of the above document of historical awesomeness??  Or do most people have it/seen it/not give a shit?

Don't want to waste anyone's time but if anyone thinks it'll be helpful, I'm more than happy to oblige.

The Miami Dolphins Kool-Aid Acid Test

Look, shit has been rather bleak around here lately - so in an effort to lighten things up - I asked star commenter Greg from Delray to tell us about the time he took LSD and went to a Dolphins game.  I remember him mentioning this on Twitter some time ago and I thought it might get our minds off the horrible decision-making our front office has done by shedding light on some of the questionable decision-making our own readers have done.  Needless to say, Greg on a shit ton of acid would probably not hire the Browns offensive coordinator.  At any rate, here's his amusing tale:

Dolphins ALLEGEDLY Hire Brian Daboll as New OC

 
As reported darn near everywhere, the Dolphins have continued an uninspiring offseason by apparently adding an uninspiring offensive coordinator.  Brian Daboll - seen here demonstrating how much the offense will move per down during his tenure - has signed on to the Miami Dolphins Circus Shitshow to run the league's 21st ranked offense HAHAHAHAHA after being the guy HAHAHAHA...hold on..I'm laughing too hard....get this...by FORMERLY BEING THE GUY THAT RAN THE LEAGUE'S 29TH-RANKED OFFENSE!!!  And that was just last year!  In 2009, Don Coryell Jr. over here lead the Cleveland Browns FEARSOME 32nd-ranked offense.

THERE ARE ONLY 32 TEAMS IN THE NFL!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

/ gun shot

How We Suck Balls, By the Numbers!

The Sun-Sentinel's Dave Hyde allowed our very own star commenter CK (aka Chris Kouffman) to take over his blog today with CK's take on why the Dolphins offense is so godamn shitacular. 

CK, if you haven't noticed, loves him some stats. And he loves to break down game-film. Also, CK owns a beer holster. It's a holster. And instead of a six-shooter, it holds a bottle of beer. BEER HOLSTERS!

Anyway, it's a good read because CK is given a forum to explain what we already know: Dan Henning is a bag of shitballs of an offensive coordinator, and The Robot blows. But now we can see just how bad we were on offense with stats and graphs numbers and shit!

Go read it. It'll make you smarter.

Nice to see that out of all the Dolphins fan blogs and sites and forums out there that love to pretend that they're smarter than everyone else, the guy who gets his own platform in the Sun-Sentinel comes from a dick joke blog. SUCK ON THAT, FINFEVERHEAVENFINFORUMFINFUCKS!

Would've been nice if CK plugged us just a little though. Thanks a lot, asshole!

You can read the column here.

You can also visit CK's draft site here.

Also, Kelly Brook pics here. Because why the fuck not!