Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Draft Day 2011: First Round

 
Obviously, we all kinda saw this coming and it became more and more evident as the draft approached.  This regime will time and time again take the 'safe' pick - a pick so REACTIVE in nature that it annoys the shit out of me just to look at his I-should-really-be-tithing-30%-of-my-paycheck-to-my-brother face.  Look, I'm gonna root for Mike Pouncey to be All-Pro, All-Everything because he is now a Dolphin but it's going to take me a long time to like it. 

At some point, this organization has to STOP being so damn reactive (getting a Belichick disciple coach or drafting a 'need' from last year in the first round) and start learning to become PROactive.  That's what Shula was.  We didn't need to take Dan Marino in 1983..we'd just been to the fucking Super Bowl but we did.  The NFL changes so much from year-to-year that this pick screams of addressing last year's problems with this year's band-aids.  It will SHOCK US how much some other dude could've stepped up to play some pretty good G/C this season out of nowhwere.  Maybe...maybe not.  But let's just remember how sitting pretty we thought we were last year this time with Henne and our run game and how scared shitless we were with our defense.  Let's remember that when Pouncey scores a grand total of ZERO touchdowns for our pathetic offense next season.  I think our man CK summed it up best in the last post's comments:

We hire an offensive line coach as our head coach, figuring he should straighten out the offensive line. That should be an area of the team that from a personnel standpoint runs pretty efficiently, right? So then we spend a #1 overall pick, a $42 million contract, a $25 million contract, a $30 million contract, a 4th rounder, a 6th rounder, a 3rd rounder, two mid-level free agents, and now a #15 overall...on that offensive line...over the course three or four years...something tells me our strategiez, ain't workin.

So then we get the Frank Stallone (Adam Nasallo's joke) of offensive linemen. We're going to need to trade up and get Ryan Mallett because he's the only one tall enough to catch Pouncey's snaps. When Pouncey got off the phone he tossed it to his friend and it went 9 feet over his head.

All worthy jokes aside it's not like I think Pouncey is a bad player. I like him, I've even said I liked him more than his brother whom I wasn't a huge fan of last year.

Obviously I would have gone somewhere different with the pick and I think taking an interior lineman whom you could argue wasn't even all that dominant...at #15 overall...when you currently have nobody to throw the ball or run the ball...is just so damn typical of this regime.

Again, Mike Pouncey is a nice player and - God willing - he will be a starter for us for the next 10 years...

...but he doesn't score touchdowns.  He doesn't score touchdowns.  HE DOESN'T SCORE FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS.

Miami Dolphins 2011 Draft Open Thread

Consider this your draft open thread tonight.

Feel free to use the comments to express your displeasure with the injury prone defensive lineman we select three rounds too soon.

'EEEEWWWW....WHY NOT TAKE MEEE #15TH OVERALL?!?!?'

 "What's the big deal?  Have you considered MYYYY tangibles?

• I'm a born leader - IT'S NOT LIKE THERE WERE A TON OF OPTIONS DURING THE CHALCOLITHIC ERA!!  THERE WAS HARDLY ANYONE ELSE AROUND!!!
• I'm elusive - YOU EVER TRY RUNNING AWAY FROM A WOOLY MAMMOTH IN -30 BELOW TEMPERATURES???  LAMARR WOODLEY IN A JANUARY PLAYOFF GAME WOULD SEEM LIKE A WALK IN THE PARK COMPARED TO THAT, I ASSURE YOU!
• I'm tough - HAVE YOU SEEN MY GLAZED EXTERIOR REMINISCENT OF A CHRISTMAS DAY CUBAN PORK ROAST MIXED WITH CARAMEL BATTER MARINATED FOR, OOOH, 3 MILLION YEARS?!?!?!
• I don't have a drug problem - WHY? CUZ I DON'T EVEN HAVE A NOSE, YOU HOMO SAPIEN SAPIEN BIMBOS!  DUUUH! (to use a parlance of your era)

The only thing I can't vouch for is my mother's whoring....it's the oldest profession, you know!!  Yoooouuu try raising 15 Otzis on a meager income of 10 cowrie shells and a few sabretooth teeth a month, Mother Teresa!!!"

FinsNation Draft Predictions: Part Two

Tough to add anything to DRK's pretty excellent draft post from yesterday, but if it helps I think none of the things any of us predict will actually happen. Mainly because I have no faith in the Ginger Dick and his Parcelian-like mindset that we need to draft human grand pianos. But DRK pretty much nailed it yesterday, which gives me the chance to approach this thing with my cock, as opposed to my brain*.

[*-- I pretty much approach everything that way. Even when I do my grocery shopping. What do you say to Mac -n- Cheese for dinner on Wednesday, cock? That would be maaaaacktastic! ::high fives cock::]

What the Dolphins will do: Everything in their power to get that second rounder back that they gave up for Brandon Marshall. Which means they'll pass on a possible franchise quarterback (AGAIN!) or some other elite position player just so they can accumulate more picks.

And then with that second rounder they'll draft Julius Pennywhistle, DE New Hampshire University. A guy with tremendous upside who missed his entire junior and senior seasons due to a knee injury, dislocated shoulder, sternum contusion, a medical induced coma, glaucoma, a pulverized lung, herpes, the clap, toe jam, several brain injuries, a torn scrotum, and a neck strain. Should be a real steal in the 6th round! 

I can't understand why so many of you advocate this move.

You realize this regime has done nothing but give us hand towels soaked in piss for drafts, right? Yes, by all means, let's give them MORE picks. Because a bucket full of shit is better than just one nugget of shit.

Fuck. That. 

At this point of my football draft watching life, I'm pretty fucking convinced that anything after the 3rd pick in the second round is as random as it fucking gets. Stats, film, interviews -- none of that shit matters when you're out of the ballpark in terms of your odds being good. And the idea of acquiring more picks just for the sake of acquiring more picks for THIS regime makes my asshole tighten up like a monkey fist.

What the Dolphins SHOULD do: Draft a fucking quarterback. An elite quarterback. Not a second round project you feel really good about. A fucking blue chip badass motherfucker with the moxie of a Matador, Chuck Norris, Don Draper and The Dos Equis Guy all rolled into one. Polite boy scout quarterbacks like Andy Dalton become Jason Garrett (who incidentally, is a ginger!). Badass cocky douchebags like Ryan Mallett or Blaine Gabbert become Tom Brady or Peyton Manning or, you know, Dan Marino, who was by all indications, the biggest asshole on the field.

And rightly so. Being able to cock punch a dick head receiver who won't shut the fuck up in the huddle and the ability to want to FEARLESSLY throw it every fucking down is just as important as accuracy and knowing the playbook cover to cover.

These guys are the face of the franchise. The key to success or failure. The guy that decides if you're a Super Bowl contender or the Cleveland fucking Browns. Enough of this bullshit. Chad Henne is not the answer. Neither is another 2nd round QB who "can make every throw" but can't throw beyond seven yards but have a really fantastic relationship with their mom.

Sack the fuck up, Ireland! You Ginger Shitstick! Do something completely unexpected -- draft DOWN -- and grab Gabbert!!! That's what you should do!!! I'm so fired up right now I'm gonna smash my head in the fish tank!!! GAHHH!!! My head!!! Flopping fish everywhere!!! Aquarium water all over the floor!!! It smells like a stripper pole in here now!!!! FUCK YEA IRELAND!!!!!! 

If the Dolphins stay at #15: They're not fucking staying there. But if they are, expect a defensive lineman no one besides CK Parrot has ever heard of. 

Conclusion: The best way to enter tonight's draft is with the lowest expectations possible. And lots and lots of alcohol. Expect the worst. And then when it happens, tweet about it in anger. The pattern has been clear -- this regime has no balls. They're stuck in the 1980s. Our only hope is that Ireland shows us all that he's not Bill Parcells and gets with the 21st Century. At this point, we'd be better off if that judge goes nuts and just canceled football forever.

FinsNation Draft Predictions: Part One

 
It's a sad day in Dolphins land with yesterday's passing of Jim Mandich.  The Mad Dog will be dearly missed (can't tell you how often his show made me crack up while listening to him on drives from school to work in da MIA) but the show must go on.  I've got a crazy next few days coming up so here's my half-assed draft prediction/breakdown.

What the Dolphins will do:  It's no secret.  That Ginger fuck is DYING to trade down or even out of the first round to pick up more picks, particularly one in the 2nd.  HOW ELSE ARE WE GOING TO PICK A SHITTY QB IN THE 2ND ROUND IF WE DON'T HAVE ONE?!?!?!  So I predict there's a small run on DE's in the first round and some team (Steelers? Seahawks?) will move quickly to trade a 2nd rounder to move up to the 15th spot.  With that pick the Dolphins will take (drumroll):  Gabe Carimi, T, Wisconsin.  He's the perfect white boy, big, slow, boring O-line pick to compliment the WAR HAMMER on the other side.  Garner will play Guard, Incognito will play Center and some other unknown guy (maybe Jerry finally?) will have to fill the 2nd Guard spot.  Vernon Carey could be doneskis (and if you think he can move to Guard, Omar Kelly WILL kill you).  The additional 2nd rd pick will allow the Dolphins to take some shithead like Andy Dalton.  GINGER REVOLUTION HAS COMETH!!!

What the Dolphins SHOULD do:  Pray for some miracle resolution to the lockout to trade someone, move up and get some impact player like Alabama's Julio Jones, Von Miller or even Blaine Gabbert.  The safe route hasn't gotten us fucking anywhere but this organization will always choose the boy scout / hall monitor / teacher's pet / Junior Woodchuck's Guide Book fuckface du jour.  We need a playmaker with speed or we need to settle this QB situation once and for all.  Re: QB position - It's been 12 fucking years, people, and the last guy that was worth a shit (that we didn't rent for a single season) was fucking JAY FIEDLER.  I'm sick of this shit and so are you.  Does this administration have the testicular fortitude to gut it out and make a fucking move?  I doubt it but I guess we'll find out shortly.

If the Dolphins stay at #15:  I could easily see the Pouncey pick happen because we handle a pretty desperate need and could just keep Vernon for another year until he falls to pieces by the 6th game.  Dude is on borrowed time.  I don't see Mark Ingram happening at all.  If they get Martez Wilson, I will personally shoot Sparano in the face.  Leonard Hankerson would be a bit of a reach here but I think that dude has a chance to be really, really special and is extremely undervalued.

Conclusion:  This FO has made a big stink about getting more speed on the team but it ain't happening in the first round.  That's not how these dudes operate.   They want big people from big schools with lots of career starts.  They will always choose the safe route in the first round.  I hope I'm wrong and they take a chance - our success as a team and their jobs depend on it.

The Dude will have his take tomorrow.  Pray for us this weekend.

Update:  How could I forget this guy?!?!?!

 
Yo muthafucka, yo muthafucka, yo

Ry Mizzy's da maaaaan and da place to go,

My feet be slow but mah rhymes be quick,

I gots Texarkana pussy juice all over mah dick.

 

As Sean Smith might say:  Yeaaaaa...that shit ain't finna happen.  smh.

A Death In The Family

For as long as there is Miami Dolphins football, the games will just never be the same without Jim Mandich.

He lived and breathed this team just like the rest of us: With a ravenous passion.

Whether it was Marino throwing a game-winning TD pass, or Zach Thomas laying a dude out, or Greg Camarillo running to our only victory in a season, Mandich would throw out all color commentator pretensions and holler with pure joy with the rest of us.

Awwwright Miaaamiii!!!

Good night, Mad Dog.

R.I.P.

FN Draft Talk: Getting Yelled At By Douchey McDipshit

FN star commenter and draft guru extraordinaire CK Parrot finally got to shoot his load on national television on NFL Network last week. Boy, that was worded poorly. 

Anyway, CK (aka BEER HOLSTERS!) got himself all cleaned up and appeared on NFL Network to talk up The Wangsta. Then that chippy little vaginus Paul Burmeister started berating him about his knowlege.

"Ohh... look at me. I quarterbacked the University of Iowa to undaunted heights of mediocrity! And now I'm the guy NFL Network throws on all their shitty shows when they need someone just slightly above the talent level of a PSA voice over guy! GMs talk to me off the record! You're no match for my inane circle of logic! I am a master of semantics!"

Anyway, CK handled his shit well. Kudos to him for holding it down.

You can watch the vid here.

Also, I got news for you all: Get visions of first-round quarterbacks, running backs, and wide receivers out of your head because the Dolphins are totally going to trade out of the 15 spot to recoup their lost 2nd rounder. So get ready for another exciting season cheering for Chad Henne's shittiness and his AMAZING offensive line filled with leaders with terrific motors! Also known as the Cincinnati Bengals! Weeee....!! 

Brandon Marshall Was Stabbed

Brandon Marshall was stabbed by a woman late Friday night and was rushed to a Miami hospital for surgery. As of early Saturday morning, he was still in I.C.U. 

But reports have begun to trickle out that he is fine (as fine as one who has been stabbed is expected to be) and is expected to make a full recovery.

As of now, we still don't know the full details. The last time Marshall was severely injured off the field this way he blamed it on slipping on a McDonald's bag. So we may never know the full story.

All we know is that he was stabbed with a knife by a woman, who may or may not have been his wife:

...the powers-that-be are convinced that Marshall’s wife did the stabbing. Initially, doctors were under the impression that she threw something at Marshall, like a vase or a lamp, that it broke on impact, and that a piece of it impaled him. On closer inspection, doctors concluded that he indeed had been stabbed.

See, this is why I don't talk to girls. Partly because I break into a cold clammy sweat and start violently projectile vomiting at the very thought of it. But mostly because girls are fucking nuts, man.

UPDATE: It appears that it was, indeed, Marshall's wife that went all stabby on him. Armando Salguero and COOL JEEPS Darlington tweeted out the arrest report, which includes Marshall's home address and cell phone number. I assume because they want their twitter followers to crank call a bunch of taxi cabs to his house.

Weekender: Good (T*ts) Friday

 

Well, a slightly more eventful week around these parts what with our draft breakdowns commencing and continuing on through next week (yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo...Ry-Mizzy in da hizzy) and the release of that nail-encrusted baseball bat of a schedule lodged firmly in our rectum.  Good stuff, NFL!  Would it kill you to just have a weekend off where EVERYONE would rest and then we go back at it for the second half??  Wouldn't that seem almost kind of exciting, like a pre-playoff of sorts as teams go at it during the final stretch???  Whatever.  You may say I'm a dreamer...but I'm not the only one.

Your Weekender is some dopey-faced chick with big boobers.  How very @ilikegirlsdaily of us to choose some random chick off the internet!!!  What sayeth you, oh Wangsta??

 
Yoyoyoyoooo...wassup, homey!  Yoooo, dat gurl's hot, son! Farilllzzz...Ry-Mizzy would get ALL up in dat dopey love.  Yo, watch me while I breakdance, yo.

/ makes you hold can of Rockstar energy drink mixed with Popov vodka

Have a good weekend, Nation!

Jeff Ireland Had a Press Conference

Here's a pretty decent recap of Jeff Ireland's draft presser, in case you missed it yesterday. And if you did miss it, you pretty much know exactly as much as those of us who didn't.