Tough to add anything to DRK's pretty excellent draft post from yesterday, but if it helps I think none of the things any of us predict will actually happen. Mainly because I have no faith in the Ginger Dick and his Parcelian-like mindset that we need to draft human grand pianos. But DRK pretty much nailed it yesterday, which gives me the chance to approach this thing with my cock, as opposed to my brain*.
[*-- I pretty much approach everything that way. Even when I do my grocery shopping. What do you say to Mac -n- Cheese for dinner on Wednesday, cock? That would be maaaaacktastic! ::high fives cock::]
What the Dolphins will do: Everything in their power to get that second rounder back that they gave up for Brandon Marshall. Which means they'll pass on a possible franchise quarterback (AGAIN!) or some other elite position player just so they can accumulate more picks.
And then with that second rounder they'll draft Julius Pennywhistle, DE New Hampshire University. A guy with tremendous upside who missed his entire junior and senior seasons due to a knee injury, dislocated shoulder, sternum contusion, a medical induced coma, glaucoma, a pulverized lung, herpes, the clap, toe jam, several brain injuries, a torn scrotum, and a neck strain. Should be a real steal in the 6th round!
I can't understand why so many of you advocate this move.
You realize this regime has done nothing but give us hand towels soaked in piss for drafts, right? Yes, by all means, let's give them MORE picks. Because a bucket full of shit is better than just one nugget of shit.
Fuck. That.
At this point of my football draft watching life, I'm pretty fucking convinced that anything after the 3rd pick in the second round is as random as it fucking gets. Stats, film, interviews -- none of that shit matters when you're out of the ballpark in terms of your odds being good. And the idea of acquiring more picks just for the sake of acquiring more picks for THIS regime makes my asshole tighten up like a monkey fist.
What the Dolphins SHOULD do: Draft a fucking quarterback. An elite quarterback. Not a second round project you feel really good about. A fucking blue chip badass motherfucker with the moxie of a Matador, Chuck Norris, Don Draper and The Dos Equis Guy all rolled into one. Polite boy scout quarterbacks like Andy Dalton become Jason Garrett (who incidentally, is a ginger!). Badass cocky douchebags like Ryan Mallett or Blaine Gabbert become Tom Brady or Peyton Manning or, you know, Dan Marino, who was by all indications, the biggest asshole on the field.
And rightly so. Being able to cock punch a dick head receiver who won't shut the fuck up in the huddle and the ability to want to FEARLESSLY throw it every fucking down is just as important as accuracy and knowing the playbook cover to cover.
These guys are the face of the franchise. The key to success or failure. The guy that decides if you're a Super Bowl contender or the Cleveland fucking Browns. Enough of this bullshit. Chad Henne is not the answer. Neither is another 2nd round QB who "can make every throw" but can't throw beyond seven yards but have a really fantastic relationship with their mom.
Sack the fuck up, Ireland! You Ginger Shitstick! Do something completely unexpected -- draft DOWN -- and grab Gabbert!!! That's what you should do!!! I'm so fired up right now I'm gonna smash my head in the fish tank!!! GAHHH!!! My head!!! Flopping fish everywhere!!! Aquarium water all over the floor!!! It smells like a stripper pole in here now!!!! FUCK YEA IRELAND!!!!!!
If the Dolphins stay at #15: They're not fucking staying there. But if they are, expect a defensive lineman no one besides CK Parrot has ever heard of.
Conclusion: The best way to enter tonight's draft is with the lowest expectations possible. And lots and lots of alcohol. Expect the worst. And then when it happens, tweet about it in anger. The pattern has been clear -- this regime has no balls. They're stuck in the 1980s. Our only hope is that Ireland shows us all that he's not Bill Parcells and gets with the 21st Century. At this point, we'd be better off if that judge goes nuts and just canceled football forever.
