Your Miami Dolphins are fucking back in action, muthafuckaaaaaz!
Yes, we endured some seriously fucked Front Office stupidity early this offseason. Yes, our ownership dropped the ball on getting Jim Harbaugh to be our coach. Yes, they fucked that up royally and actually ended up giving an extension to a lame-duck coach whose grasp of the English language is suspect, at best. Yes, our whore-hating ginger GM is still around searching for acorns instead of making sound personnel decisions. No, we did not upgrade at QB. Yes, we picked up an injury-prone, "Hollywood" running back that will probably be on Pros vs Joes in a couple years instead of Darren Sproles. Yes, our #2 WR is still a white guy from Ohio. Yes, we are starting off the season against a hated rival that had the best record in football last year.
SO FUCKING WHAT.
It's OUR Dolphins on Monday Night Football. Let's fucking DO this shit!
- All offseason and preseason kept hearing how this defense was possibly a top-5 squad. Well, let's see it. Every time we've beaten these shitbags we've hit Brady in the goddamn mouth (Wildcat game, excluded). I need to see Jason Taylor smack Tom Brady in the face helmet-to-jaw in order to LIIIIIIVE.
- Vollmer is out so they'll start a rookie at RT. I trust Mike Nolan will use this disadvantage to move Wake/JT around and keep some of the Patsies OL on their heels. Pressures, sacks, hits are all of paramount importance.
- Daniel Thomas. It is time to start playing some fucking football, son. MAN UP and hit the goddamn hole.
- Reggie Bush. You want to be considered an every-down back and shed that diva label? No better time than with the world watching on MNF. Do your thing, LaMontell Pussyhammer!!!
- No special teams stupidities!!!
- I am aching for some Clyde Gates speed to get behind the DBs and get those big chunk yards we're always missing. We saw some flashes of that during the preseason and the connection was just not quite there yet. It needs to be there tonight. Find that extra gear and get that damn ball, Clyde. I believe in this kid and I think he's going to be crucial to our success this season.
- Feed The Beast early and often. Get him going. Get him in the game. Get him pumped up. It's important that he's part of the early gameplan for that success to continue all game long.
- Finally, Chad Henne. Sit down, son. Look, we've given you A TON of shit around here and all over Twitter. You're treated only slightly better than former Romanian Secretary General Nicolae Ceausescu. We know this. But you're all we've got this season so the success of this team falls completely on YOUR shoulders. I'm sure you realize that this is fucking it for you. It's time to set aside childish bullshit, quit it with all the what-the-fuck moments and DO THE FUCKING THING. Throw with touch, velocity and accuracy. Stop shitting your pants in the red zone. Use that goddamn, God-given laser cannon arm for good. Right now is your chance to start making some true believers out of all of us. You have us in your corner. And...pssst...if you're gonna be terrible...just be REAAAALLLY fucking terrible so we can lose our way to Andrew Luck ASAP. Thanks, Robot!
It's Monday Night Football. These are your 2011 Miami Dolphins. Cue the 'Benny Hill' theme music, maestro!
And here's an old friend to get us through the rest of the day!