Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Keys To The Game: Texans @ Dolphins

 
Sorry we're a bit late on this but really there is only one 'key':

FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST, BEAT THIS FUCKING TEAM ALREADY!

That's all.

Prediction: Dolphins 24 - Texans 20

Go Dolphins.

The Final Stand

We close out Dan Marino Day with the last win/last comeback of his career.

"Dan Marino started off the afternoon with one thing to prove: That he was still Dan Marino."

Even in the twighlight of his playing time, the guy was pure unadulterated badass. The Seahawks are completely helpless here as TRAOG slaughters their defense in a frenzy of fire and vengeance.

He was too old, they thought.

He was on his way out.

Dan Marino didn't get that memo.

He single-handedly carved up Seattle's secondary in their own stadium, frustrating the Seahawks fans and showing why he is, in fact, The Right Arm of God, then and forever.

Coming back in the fourth quarter on the road in the playoffs isn't exactly like wrestling a dead cat. Shit takes steel nerves, brass balls, and the uncanny ability to totally cockpunch the opponent with a single bound and rip his still beating heart from his chest cavity.

Anyway, bask in the glory of awesome when we ALWAYS had a fucking chance, nation. 

And Happy Birthday to the Greatest.

 

Also, only Dan Marino gets called for intentional grounding on a fucking 40 yard pass.

Greatest. Ever. Period.

I've never actually seen the Marino section of the NFL 100 Greatest Players special that came out last year, because the mere fact that he's ranked 25th (25TH!!!!!!!!!!!) is the biggest crock of shit ever perpetrated in the history of everything. The dipshits who decide these rankings need to be punched repeatedly in the balls by one of them boxing kangaroos.

The whole "greatest passer ever" line is a giant mound of badger shit too. What does a QB do? He fucking PASSES the ball. You fucking shitsticks. Greatest passer ever = Greatest QB ever. Dickholes.

No one threw the ball like him.

No one moved in the pocket like him.

No one won like him.

And he did it all with, frankly, some pretty goddamn shitty teammates.

Drew Brees? Brett Favre? Tom Brady? All ranked ahead of Dan Marino? FUCKING HORSEASS!

How is that even fucking possible? How does that shit happen? How is it even debatable?

Dan Marino revolutionized the position and won inspite of his shitty teams. And in his day, you didn't have all these rules where a cornerback even so much looks at a receiver, he gets flagged. He had to throw the perfect pass to beat the corners drapped all over his receivers. And he did it better than anybody. He did it so many times, in fact, he re-wrote the fucking record book (again, without the aid of bullshit offense-friendly rules).

Marino obliterated the record book without the aid of pussy rules or pain killers (I'm looking right at you, Oldman Cockshots!). He did it before the days of the 6'12 mutant-sized wide receiver, before the rule changes and he did it better than anyone. ANYONE! 

He's the perfect quarterback. And had it not been for some shitty front office moves that never got him the right teammates throughout his career (fuck you with a hedge trimmer, Sammie Smith!), the guy would have won several Super Bowls. And then he'd be considered the undisputed greatest ever. 

But because individual greatness is somehow decided by a bunch of other assholes who play other positions and some really good luck, the cockbreaths who decide these things fucked him with #25.

I hope they all catch a disease where their hands turn into shit. Then people will be all, "You got shit for hands, man!"

Fuck you, Shithands!  

Birth of a God...

The first half of this video is home movies of Marino throwing during something called Dolphins Family Day.

The second half of this video is a news reel about the quarterback position battle between David Woodley and some rookie named Dan Marino.

The entire video is all Awesome 80s! Mullets! Perms! Short-shorts! Shitty ball caps! You bet!

And holy fuck, the fans were right on the sidelines with nothing to protect them from an errant pass or a Clydesdale-like clomping Joe Rose! 

Pretty neat little time capsule to look at. It's interesting to see how even in 1983, good training camp performances didn't mean dick ("Woodley was very sharp in the seven-on-seven drills yesterday!"). Also, the interview with Woodely at the end is pretty neat considering how shit went down.

"Look at the crowd around David Woodley! They had the blitz on him all afternoon! Hope he didn't have to write so much, he'd damage that right arm."

Yea, it'd be a real shame if Dave got hurt and couldn't play quarterback any more. I don't know about that Dan Marino from Pitt. No one wants his autograph. Still. Gotta remain positive. I mean if they just gave him a chance, well I bet he'd be just terrific! 

A Couple of Dan Marino Press Clippings For All To Behold

Here are a couple of press clippings on the young The Right Arm of God that brings us back to just how much awesome he was filled with, and how our Dolphins were once the most feared team in all the land:

• Here's a brief recap from the Milwaukee Journal following a Monday Night 38-14 Beatdown of the Cincinnati Bengals in 1983. My favorite quote is from then Bengals receiver Cris Collinsworth when talking about the Marino-Duper connection: "We've been around the league now, and those guys are in a special class at their positions." Man even in his playing days that dude loved to gargle a quarterback's balls. 

 

• No one wrote about Marino better than Ed Pope (back when the Miami Herald employed competent, non-douche writers *COUGH* SALGUERO). Here Pope breaks down Dan's performance against the Dallas Cowboys where he threw two touchdowns of 39 and 63 yards within 1:40 of each other with 51 seconds left in the game! Holy ass balls! The entire article reads like the Iliad with Marino as Achilles, which is fucking awesome. "The Cowboys sent everything but a horse after him, and he still shot them out of the saddle. Is there anybody left out there with the slighest doubt that Miamarino's season is anything less than the four-star, gold-braided, silver-plated, best one any quarterback ever had?" Goddamn, Pope was a poet. And the entire game re-cap is amazeballs in every way. 

 

• And here's one where then 36-year old Marino threw for 372 yards and two TDs against the Jets. Because fuck them. 

Dan Marino Doesn't Blow Out Birthday Candles. He Looks at Them and They Melt.

If you feel the earth tremble beneath your feet and the heavens roar above while watching this, fear not.

It's only the Universe paying tribute to The Right Arm of God.

Happy 50th Birthday to THE RIGHT ARM OF GOD

 
Happy 50th birthday, you beautiful beast-man.  To think that you have graced us with your awe-inspiring presence for well on 50 years now brings a goddamn tear to our eyes.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Sapp Cut, Allen Returns, Jesus Laughs Hysterically in Our Faces

 
Oh, LOLphins.

The Dolphins COCKPUNCHED! Benny Sapp yesterday in a move designed to use the maligned Sapp as the example whose drawn-and-quartered corpse they can hang up in the Davie town square.  Gotta love the methods of madness, secrecy, and Third Reich-ian means by which our Front Office conducts 'business'.  Then just as quickly, they turned around and re-signed Will Allen.  While most of us would consider this an upgrade and were rather surprised when Sapp was kept over Allen in the first place, doesn't it beg a couple of questions?

Is Allen REALLY going to make all that much of a difference?  Yea, Sapp got burned on that 99 (and a half) yarder but Reshad Jones also took a terrible angle and failed to help over the top.  Also, if I remember correctly, Tom Brady was able to pull out his iPad and learn the entire Chinese language with all the time he had back there because our voluminous D-line was so fucking gassed that they couldn't even order a pizza over the phone.  Soooo...what happens the NEXT time if Schaub goes (pardon the parlance of our times) H.A.M. on us this Sunday with their two TE sets and their nasty, nasty WR.  Who we gonna ice out then??

The other question in this Benny Hill-esque 2011 (thus far) is obviously:

Does this Front Office know what the fuck it's doing?  Seems to me we have no identity, no direction, no knowledge of our personnel (and packages come game time - the defense didn't change this offseason) and appear generally clueless and reactionary. 

I long for the day every single fucking one of them is shit-canned.  The only concern is who they bring in NEXT.

GOY!

(Ireland p-shop by the inimitable ckparrot)

Meet The 'New' Boss, Same As The Old Boss

It's always the same with this team in that it's never the same with this team.

For all the hype the media and the team gave all through the truncated offseason and into training camp about the Dolphins puported TOP 5 DEFENSE, the Dolphins might as well have put Belen's JV squad out there for the duration of the game.  At least those spunky youngsters might have had a bit more energy and conditioning to deal with New England's constant use of the no huddle and their savvy ability to, you know, be familiar with their personnel, plays and packages.  Familiarity that had their players shuffling in and out while Phil Merling strolled to the sideline like he was a goddamn 19th-Century woman of 'good stock' on her way to the Mayfair for a Sunday brunch in her favorite summer dress.

'New' Sparano might be slightly flashier because Daboll thinks Reggie Bush = O.J. fucking Simpson, but he's not fooling anyone.  Ok, fine.  It's not the end of the world.  This is an elite Patriots team so this outcome was somewhat expected.  But just once, wouldn't you like to be surprised by this team?  Outside of the Wildcat game, has their been another truly surprising win under this administration?  Some quick hits before I turn it over to The Dude for his New Times recap (he's having some computer issues to log on and do his usual recap):

• If you are TIRED and you train in these conditions all year long, then there is something inherently wrong in your conditioning.  You are playing at home.  How the FUCK are you not ready to play Game 1 AT NIGHT in South Florida when, you know, you are a South Florida team?  If anyone has a good explanation for me on this, I'd love to hear it.  If you say 'lockout' in your sentence, I WILL find the nearest 15 turtles to shit on and it won't be the tidy kind of shit.  Vitriolic diarrhea on their heads.
• Reggie Bush + between the tackles = just please fucking stop it.  He's a great player in space and he can hit the edge with incredible speed, but stop it with this every-down back thing.  The fact we desperately need Daniel Thomas back is unsettling.  Major RB FAIL when we could have kept Ronnie or Ricky for a year.
• Reshad Jones takes WAY too many risks and he should pass on the toast for today's breakfast.  Eat a chunk of your own useless arm, you dick.  The rest of the DBs were embarassing as well.
• If the game is kinda on the line and it's 4th and Goal, I can think of no better play than an end zone fade to the white chipmunk-faced guy from Ohio who's about 6' on a good day and falls down every 3rd play or so.  If I had a nickel for every time Brian Hartline ends up on the ground, well...I don't know but I'd have a shit ton of nickels.
• I AM WELL AWARE THE PATS ARE JUST BETTER AND AN ELITE OFFENSE BUT THAT WAS FUCKING RIDICULOUS AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME DIFFERENT.  Look at that 80s Houston-Andre Ware offensive yards total!!!
• Oh, nice job Chad Henne.  Keep it up. 
• I need to buy another TV just so I can throw my remote at it and still STUPIDLY watch the game.

More here.  Surprise us some time, Dolphins.  Seriously.  Would it hurt to maybe make some defensive adjustments???  How are all our D-lineman gassed when they make up 87% OF OUR FUCKING TEAM?!?!?!

GOY TRAIN!  NEXT STOP (as always): GOYVILLE!

Pats @ Dolphins Open Thread

 

 

IT'S GAME TIME!!! LET'S DO IT!!!!

We're rollin' with one of my favorite Louis C.K. clips.  His subway voice is impeccable.

GO FINS!