Sound of Trumpets Blaring...A Medieval Procession featuring Much Gaiety throughout The Land...Streamers, Celebration...Did I mention Gaiety?...Really Gay....Everyone is joyous for the Proclamation is Upon Us.
The Constable, Lieutenant Dick Joke, looked down upon his scroll, adopted a pompous Brit accent and thus spake:
It is with great pleasure and aplomb that we here at FinsNation bestow upon one Marlon Moore of Fresno State by way of Sacramento, California the highly-coveted, much-desired, greatly-revered honor of the 2011 J.R. Tolver Memorial Award for Wide Receivers That Will Get You All Excited About Them During OTAs and Training Camp Only To Do Absolutely Nothing In The Actual Regular Season. A TWO-TIME WINNNERRRRR!
(crowd erupts in cheering)
What can we say about a two-time winner that already hasn't been said? In his second stellar preseason showing, Sir Marlon accrued 6 catches for 102 yards and no TDs. QUITE MARGINALLY DISSATISFACTORY, HMMMM???? His lack of special teams prowess led to much speculation as to whether he or Sir Roberto Wallace of the Panamanian Wallace's would secure the final available WR spot on the teams active 53-man roster.
(crowd confusion in hushed tones)
BUT SIR MARLON WOULD NOT BE DENIED.
(crowd erupts in cheering)
Though Sir Wallace did put up impressive numbers in his own campaign, he was ultimately felled by Sir Marlon's tenacity and impressive 1 TD performance in 2010 - a touchdown so strikingly elegant against botched Raiders coverage - that many-a Black Hole attendees eyes were seared for they gazed upon this miracle directly and without the benefit of a mirror or reflecting surface to shield their sensitive cornea from the majesty of PURIFIED BRILLIANCE.
In closing, we present thee again, Sir Marlon Moore, with this most vaunted award for your sporadic play (on offense AND defense) coming out of high school, your expected potential in college, your top receiver status all the way back there in the fucking 2007 season, your inability to stay healthy in the subsequent season, your overall underachievement in college, your draft undesirability, your impressive OTA progress, the various 'feeling' that South Florida area writers had for you throughout training camp, your awe-inspiring TD last season, your incredible ability to hang around like a case of Herpes Simplex II and pop up at the most surprising moments...the list goes on and on and on and there is not enough verbosity to delineate your yawn-inducing achievements. To use the parlance of our times: that is some impressive shit...man.
Congratulations, Sir Marlon!!!
Cheering, Celebrations, Women Raped, Villages Pillaged, Ecosystems Tarnished Forever, Entire Newly-formed Civilizations Crumbling upon the Announcement, various Dolphins players cut, more 'acorns' FOUND...