For the second week in a row, the Dolphins almost pulled off a win. The Dolphins need to cut that shit out already.
Anyway, it's Lucktory Monday! And good God we've earned it this week. So to celebrate, we give you the latest vid from those goofy fuckers Rizzmiggizz, Vinbob and Kevin Mayer.
The video is a bit NSFW. And by "NSFW" I mean it's got some disturbing shit in it like, for example, Jeff Ireland fucking some weird mutant Dolphin/woman hybrid thing. Shit like that.
Sorry about the late Keys To The Game post. DRK accidentally spilled coffee on the control panel and everything went on the fritz.
Anyway.... here are your Keys To Suck For Andrew for this week:
1. Don't Underestimate the Shittiness of This New York Giants Team: This is the same Giants team that lost to the Seattle Seahawks at home earlier this year, and have a hard time closing shit out. So don't be surprised if they come out and vomit all over themselves in an attempt to ruin our flirtation with imperfection. So when Eli Manning trips over his center's foot, and throws up a wabbler in a feeble Eli-esque attempt at avoiding a sack, be sure to avoid that errant pass like the football was dipped in AIDS.
2. Keep Feeding Reggie: HE STINKS! I love how Daboll has completely ignored convention as well as refused to learn from his mistakes, and keeps feeding an undersized running back the rock like he was Jim Brown. Don't throw any passes to him in the open field. We all know LaMontelle Pussyhammer is perfectly capable of blowing shit up in the open field. This must not happen!!
3. Karlos Dansby Needs To Make Sure His Chancletas Are Good And Ready: He's been abysmal this season. He might be hurt. I still think he's playing in chancletas. Whatever it is, let's hope Ahmad Bradshaw takes advantage and goes batshit and doesn't make this game a squeaker like last week.
4. Do That Thing Where We Fuck Up All Our Time Outs: Sparano has excelled in fucking up timeouts his entire career. But I'm here to make sure he stays the course. Call as many time outs as necessary, coach. Call one just to ask Al Riveron how to say "pants" in spanish. Call two of them in the first six minutes. And be sure to use all eight. We have eight time outs per half, now. So be sure to call all eight. And while we're at it, fuck it and challenge a ruling on the field when it's blatantly obvious you'll lose the challenge. This will expedite the burning of your time outs and serves as the proverbial killing of two birds with one stone.
For Marinosakes don't fuck this up, Dolphins. We have stiff competition with those jackass Colts who cannot make their desire to go 0-16 more obvious. Keep it up!
Yeremiah Bell - seen here probably casually talking about potpourri and kittens - did not like Reggie Bush's recent on-point assertion of 'This team stinks' when asked to explain the simultaneously heart-breaking and totally joyful loss to the Broncos. Wellll, Muthafucka has a thing or two on HIS mind as well:
“He stinks,” Bell said emphatically after being asked what he thought of the comments by Bush. “That shouldn’t be said around this locker room. We know that we’re 0-6 and we’re not playing the best but at the same time there’s no need for that.”
Oh, how deeeeeelicious! Boys, boys...please...no need for arguing. YOU ALL STINK. That's the major point here and you shouldn't delude yourselves into thinking otherwise. I can think of no better way for us to chug along on the 'Suck For Luck' Express than to devolve into petty infighting amongst players - particularly between one of the more gritty, hard-hitting, and dependable ones and fuckin' LAMONTELL PUSSYHAMMER that never saw a gash he didn't want to hound. Well, except of course for any gash in the O-line because that would require strength, heart and determination to run through said gash rather than fall down into a heap of limps under the weight of his own 8-pack abs or whatever the fuck.
Also, it's hilariously misguided by the mainstream media that actually has access to this team to continue to blow smoke up our asses that Sparano hasn't 'lost' the team. Are you fucking kidding me? He lost them back in fucking January, dickskins! NO, NO! NOTHING TO SEE HERE! EVERYTHING IS BUSINESS AS USUAL!! RUN RIGHT ALONG!
FUCK YOU! This team is imploding in Marlins-new-stadium-home-run-psychedelic-celebration-on-5-hits-of-LSD ways and you're just going to fucking ignore it??? What a heap of Otzi shit!!!
There’s no news like conjecture and rumor mongering! And the latest rumor floating around the interwebs is that the Dolphins have "reached out" to Bill Cowher so everyone can get super excited about it until he utterly fails like the other dipshits we deemed "Franchise Savior!"
Cowher, now an analyst for CBS Sports, said he won't comment on coaching rumors. However, according to a source with knowledge of the situation, intermediaries for the Miami Dolphins have contacted people close to Cowher about coaching the team. Now, everyone will deny this because no one wants to admit they are looking to fill a job that's already filled. In this case, the job of Tony Sparano. The Dolphins issued a statement to CBSSports.com declining comment.
*wanking motion*
Ok. Fine. Whatever.
Cowher is a fine coach. And I’m sure all those anti-Suck For Luck people out there are all giggly over this news. Which baffles the shit out of me to no end and makes me want to find each and every one of them and give them a good hard cock slap.
I think it’s pretty goddamn evident at this point. It doesn’t matter who we bring in here to fix this shitstain.
NO QB = NO DICE.
From Saban to Cameron to Parcells, it’s pretty fucking clear that who we bring in to run shit is not nearly as important as who our QB is. This organization always seems to have a monster boner for the latest “top name out there” to make all our dreams come true. Yet between Saban and Parcells we’ve had roughly 6,978 starting quarterbacks since Dan Marino retired.
So Stephen Ross can spew all the gold coins from his asshole Cowher or any other hot candidate asks for. He can re-animate the corpse of George Hallas, for all I care.
His team fucks up this Suck For Luck thing and we’re all, in a word, COMPLETELY FUCKED.
Yes I know I said “in a word” and then went with two. I’m unpredictable and mercurial that way. I’m a rebel. A maverick. I guess that’s why I lead such an exciting and exotic life.
Rosenfels, it turns out, is still dealing with a blood infection, and has been placed on the Reserve/Non-Football Illness list. Nice job by our crack medical staff to catch that one!
Shit has gone nuclear.
This is why it would be a fucking travesty of galactic proportions the like which proves that the universe is nothing but random events with no order or justice or compassion of any kind if the fucking motherfuck Colts end up getting Andew Luck. This very reason right here.
While those fuckers have Peyton Manning resting his neck and ready to go as soon as he's ready, we're literally hitting the streets looking for a fucking quarterback. After the abomination that is the current state of this team, we fucking DESERVE Andrew Luck. The league should reward us the number one pick out of pure sympathy.
And really? JP Losman? Steve Bono wasn't available? Although with this fucktard regime, we'd probably end up with Chaz Bono instead.
Lately, I've been thinking how there are two fantastic by-products to this otherwise unbearable season:
1) The general shittyness and malaise have allowed us the freedom (via Suck 4 Luck) to REALLY flex the funny muscles and come up with some of our better material during our existence. In some ways, it's like The Daily Show (a bit of a stretch, I know) wherein shit is just funnier when things are going bad. The comedic possibilities become more elastic. And, more importantly,
2) We are FLOORED by the amount of creativity and genius that's flowing out of the FinsNation faithful. Like Kevin Mayer's production above. Every day in the comments, we see countless examples of truly awesome ideas. PLEASE keep it coming, people. It's all really funny and enjoyable stuff! If you've got a good, funny idea, we wouldn't hesitate to push it. We see/read it every day...and we know there's more out there. And that is a fucking awesome thing.
Besides, why the fuck are we going to cry about it at this point?
It was one thing to openly root against this team against the Chargers. And approaching the Jets game with indifference was even weirder. But yesterday's shitheap of a game was as bizarre as it fucking gets.
Starting with our gargoyle craggily owner and his Gator Day Extravaganza Bonerfest!
And then shit got sort of depressing when we were winning and it was the Broncos with the turnovers and the missed field goals and the sacks allowed and the shitty quarterbacking.
Then, Tim Tebow and his Magical Cock Of Narnia -- or was it the Miami Dolphins and their Ballsdeep Shittiness? -- took over, erased a 15-point deficit, forced overtime, AND ACTUALLY WON THE FUCKING GAME! GAHHHH!! ::farts:: ::dies::
The weirdest part was the edge-of-your-seat feeling of wanting to lose. I've never in my life rooted for Tebow. Nor have I ever rooted for the Broncos. Nor have I ever felt nervous about pulling off a loss.
This shit is fucking weird, man.
What has this fucking team done to me?
I approach games like a Neanderthal that just discovered fire. Strange bemusement, followed by morbid curiosity, followed by fear, followed by joy, followed by slamming my dick with a mastodon bone. This team has turned me into a fucking mongoloid.
Meanwhile, the Colts are making a race of it with their bullshit. Get your team's shit together, Irsay! You had your Hall of Fame franchise quarterback! Fuck off you wrinkly old hipster! LUCK IS OURS!!!
