Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Nooooooo

With The Robot going down with a shoulder injury and possibly being lost for the season, the Dolphins reportedly have reached out to former Jaguars QB David Garrard and fomer Panthers QB Jake Delhomme:

The Miami Dolphins were in discussions with quarterbacks David Garrard and Jake Delhomme this week, according to league sources, but sides could not agree on a deal, and the prospects of a contract now are not great. The Dolphins are continuing efforts to sign a veteran Tuesday afternoon, sources said, including attempts to rekindle discussions with Garrard. Miami had significant interest in signing one of the veterans, with the team struggling at 0-4 and quarterback Chad Henne dealing with a shoulder injury that may threaten his season.

WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?!

This is where Stephen Ross needs to step in and put a stop to this shit. The fuck are we trying to salvage a lost season for? We're 0-4! It's over! The season is finished! SHIT ON A TURTLE!!1!1!!! 

These dipshits aren't trying to salvage anything but their jobs. Maybe not with the Dolphins, but with a possible future employer.

Possible Future Employer: Why should I make you head of our scouting department?

Jeff Ireland: Well sir, even when we lost Chad Henne for the season, I went out and signed David Garrard to a one year deal. AIN'T NO QUIT IN THIS GINGER!

Seriously, just stick with Matt Moore. Just sign some Curtis Painter type if you need a second-string QB to even out the roster. Both David Garrard and Jake Delhomme are just good enough to get us five wins, at the very least. Which would not only not get us into the playoffs, but would completely fuck our Suck For Luck wishes right in the pants.

Christ baby Stephen Ross is a fucking imbecile.

We should get One Million Moms, the organization that rallied to get Shweddy Balls ice cream off store shelves, to own the Dolphins. Those ladies get shit done.

The Poet is Nearly Eaten Whole by Kevin Burnett

 
The scene:  The San Diego losing locker room.  The Poet has drawn the ire of one Kevin Burnett:  A large, scary black man who is clearly not afraid to challenge another black man.  Even if they are 'bruthas'.  Race knows no paycheck.  We cut deep into their interaction....

/ snap, snap

Burnett:  Hey, fucker.  I WILL kill you.  You think you can put on pads because you worked out at Gold's Gym for a few months with a personal trainer from Delray Beach, you got all swole up and suddenly you're Ray Lewis??  Does watching film with Bobby Bowden's ballboy for a few months in '03 and reading about about what happens away from the ball grant you poetic license to speculate on what some muthafucka been done doin' for a livin'???  This ain't no Madden! DIS SHIT REAL FOOTBALL!  GET YA HAND OUT MAH POCKET!  YOU A HOMETOWN WRITER COVERING A HOMETOWN TEAM.  HOW DARE YOU RIP ON US?? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF ARMANDO SALWHATEVERTHEFUCKHISNAMEIS?? YOU KNOW, THE GUY THAT SUCKS IRELAND'S DICK NOW AND USED TO SUCK SHULA'S ALL THE TIME?  THAT LITTLE MEXICAN DUDE?!??!!

The Poet stands in awe.  He is shocked.  He contemplates tattoos to delineate his experience, his struggle.  He listens to Tupac.  He reads Biblical verses.  He is shrouded in mystery, darkness, existential quandary.   He drops to one knee, cape above his head - revealing nothing.  He is a gothic poet prince.  The poet spake:

I AM OMAR KELLY.  I FEAR NO ONE.  I, WHO ONLY APPRECIATES THE IMPORTANCE OF LINE PLAY.  I, WHO HAS FORETOLD YOUR FEARS.  I, WHO HAS IMPARTED TO YOU BLESSED 'MAN CRUSH' LISTS' THAT KNOW NO ERROR.  I, WHO HAVE CONSECRATED JOE FLACCO, SEAN SMITH AND OTHER COMPLETELY MEDIOCRE PLAYERS WITH MY BLESSING.  THEY ARE SOOO SACRED, DO YOU NOT AGREE? WELL, YOU ARE THEREFORE BANISHED!

I, WHO HATH SOOTH-SAY'D THAT YOUR BELOVED DOLPHINS WOULD HATH A 'TOP 5 DEFENSE'.  I SO DECREED IT MYSELF SO IT MUST BE BIBLICAL TRUTH - EVEN IF WE MAINSTREAM MEDIA PEOPLE REALLY DON'T KNOW FUCKING SHIT AND WE KNOW JUST AS MUCH AS ANY DICKJOKE-Y BLOGGER BECAUSE THE NFL IS SUCH A SEASON-TO-SEASON CRAPSHOOT!  WHAT?  HOURS AND HOURS AT A BULLSHIT QB SCHOOL DO NOT GIVE US SOME INSIDE TRACK AS TO HOW THESE PLAYERS WILL PERFORM WHEN THE BULLETS ARE, AHEM, 'LIVE'??  YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY!!!

AS "REVELATIONS" HATH FORETOLD:

"And the kings of the earth, who have committed fornication and lived deliciously with her, shall bewail her, and lament for her, when they shall see the smoke of her burning,"

THAT MEANS YOU, HORRIBLE, UNINSPIRED SHITTY DOLPHINS FANS!!! YOU'RE NOT REAL FANS!! EVEN THE SHITTIEST CLEVELAND FANS WILL STILL SUPPORT THEIR HORRIBLY SHITTY TEAM!! HOW DARE YOU SAVE YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY IN ONE OF THE POOREST - IF NOT THE POOREST- LARGEST METROPOLITAN CITIES IN THE UNITED STATES????!!! HOW DARE YOU, ASSHOLES?!?!?!

(to be continued...)

Lucktory Monday!

This is the first time I've felt good about a Dolphins loss, pretty much ever, in the history of my life. But 0-4 has us right on track (LET'S GO COLTS!!). And so far, there are no signs George Costanza Tony Sparano is going to get fired just yet. Which can only mean one thing: MOAR FIELD GOLS! FUKC YEA!

It's bizarre as shit rooting against the team you've poured your heart and soul into all your life. But there I was. Getting mad at the Chargers when they fucked up a play, or getting antsy when it looked like Matt Moore was suddenly going to be fucking good. 

But this is where the shit river has taken us. It's taken us to a point where giving a fuck is as common as jizzing gold nuggets. Where if I had a hundred sacks filled with fucks, I would stash them away and hoarde them in a vault like Scrooge McDuck.

And now it's Andrew Luck or Bust time.

I still can't bring myself to root against the Fins against the Jets, but we'll visit that weirdness next week. For now, we're 0-4. AND IT SORT OF FEELS KINDA AMAZING!

For those of you feeling like someone tapped your nuts with a ball-peen hammer this morning, I understand. 0-4 feels like someone just ripped your heart out of your chest and replaced it with a bag of dog shit and then set it aflame. But keep in mind, the pain now can lead to happiness later. Just endure the next few weeks with those of us who have jumped the fence. IT'S LIBERATING AND FANTASTIC!

Can we lose 11 to 12 more games? I know we can. But will we?

Don't fuck this up, Dolphins! Keep doing that thing you've been doing for the better part of a decade.

Stay tuned!

Aww yea.

Oh and you can go read my New Times recap here. Tits.

Dolphins at Chargers Open Thread

Talk it out, bitches.

#SuckForLuck