"Anyone who says that this guy is the hands down, Heisman Trophy winner or the first pick in the draft right now, I don't know they know what they are talking about. There's not been enough work done yet."
Bill Parcells would absolutely be the super football genius ESPN likes to pretend he is if this were the 1920s when forward passes were illegal and games that ended in 6-3 were considered shootouts.
The fine establishment you see above that resembles a cross between a shutdown Bennigan's and formerly Hallandale's PREMIERE spot for adult entertainment is where we'll be conducting our meetup this Sunday. Star reader/commenter/somewhat bossy person Kathy has scoped out the spot and spoken with management about securing us a properly quarantined area for us to completely demolish, The Who hotel room-style.
We should be getting there around 12pm though The Dude and I are both Latin so let's just say punctuality is not something we are expressly celebrated for. We will be down to fucking PARTY, though, so that'll be a plus.
Hope some of you can make it as we'd really like to meet all you crazy fuckers and have some beers/laughs with you. As of today, I read we currently hold the 5th pick* with 3 out of 4 teams in front of us sporting young, franchise-type QBs (CAR, MIN, STL) so there'll be something to root for!
We'll send out a reminder on Friday. Big tetas.
UPDATE: In addition to getting shitfaced and stupid watching this shit team together, we'll be hosting our First Annual FN Holiday Food Drive Palooza. So, if you plan to come (or even if you don't want to stick around but still wanna do some good), PLEASE BRING CANNED FOOD to donate. We'll have a drop box there. So the more food you bring, the better. All our food will be going to Feeding South Florida to help some needy families during the holiday season. So don't be an ungrateful selfish piece of shit and not bring anything. -- The Dude
As always, DRK and I are thankful for you, The FN Army. Without you crazy fuckers coming here to read our goofy shit on a daily basis, there would be no FN. So thanks for that.
We wish you and your loved ones a very Happy Thanksgiving. Especially on one where our shitty Dolphins are playing.
And whether you're rooting for the Fins today or not (DRK is rooting for a Cowboys beatdown, I still haven't decided yet), we hope you're doing it with the ones you love as well as with a shitload of booze and food at your disposal.
So, I actually want to get drunk and watch us win tomorrow. Sorry, but I fucking hate the Cowboys. Besides the Jets game at the end of the year, I'm fine with us losing every remaining game but I fucking really hate the Cowboys, their dipshit QB, their dipshit Head Coach, the Ryan brother that always drinks out of beer cans and rides Harleys or whatever the fuck and their digusting fucking owner. Fuck 'em all. So I want us to win. My only wish is that we'd look as fucking FLY as we did Thanksgiving 2003. I watched this video about 5x in a row just because of how much I love those uniforms.
Also, don't y'all forget (as Tom Ass has mentioned here and on Twitter) that tomorrow is the fucking WHORE BOWL. Jeff Ireland and his whore-hating face against Dez Bryant and his dubiously-employed mother. Didn't Dez swear some revenge on Ireland? I can't recall but I'd be starting that fucker in fantasy if I were you.
Finally, The Dude and I want to wish all you crazy fuckers a fun-filled, delicious, and safe Thanksgiving. Hope y'all have some delicious food and spend some quality time with your friends and families. We love you.
Hey, guyssss. Like, wassup?! I know it's been a while since I posted but, you know, LIFE. IZ SO CRAZY!
I'm going to be in Miami for my birthday / Art Basel weekend so The Dude and I figured that it would be an ideal time to get together with some FN pals to have some brews, eat some wings, fart around and take in the Raiders/Dolphins game at a bar in a location that can be somewhat accomodating to all of us. Considering we didn't host a FN tailgate this year we thought this would be a semi-decent consolation. We'd love to see some of y'all we haven't seen in a while and meet some new friends!
The Dude and I are staunch lovers of Flanigan's buuuuut I'm open to suggestions. We went to Duffy's on 163rd St. by Sunny Isles this past summer and maybe that place would be cool too as it's fucking enormous and there are roughly 26,000 60" flatscreens there. We can hash it out in the comments, like I said.
Hit up the comments with ideas. We'll send out a reminder on plans next Friday along with the Keys post. Hope y'all can join us.
The Matt Moore Marionette Puppet, aka THE NEWLY CHRISTENED SAVIOR OF OUR HAPLESS FRANCHISE, is once again a candidate for Fed Ex Air Player of the Week. You can vote for him here, if you so choose. That wooden, soul-less sonuvabitch won it last time so you never know. Shit, it's even possible Pinocchio up there could make it to the Pro Bowl at this rate and with the injuries to other premier QBs (all possibly owned by The Dude in fantasy football at some point or another, thus guaranteeing their eventual decapitation) this season. You know what that means...
Gotta admit. The only parts of the Dolphins game I watched was whenever they would appear on the Red Zone channel. And since we pretty much suck old lady ass in every aspect of football, I didn't expect to see us there all that much. But then the DOLPHINS REDSKINS UPDATE!! thing flashed on my TV and they cut to the game, and showed LaMontelle Pussyhammer scoring a touchdown and throwing the ball into the stands.
Soon after, they went back and showed Washington's kicker missing field goals, and Rex Grossman throwing an intercpetion in the redzone.
SWEET BABY JESUS MAKE IT STOP!
It got to a point where everytime the update graphics flashed, my asshole clentched up and I collapsed into a fetal position expecting the worst. Another fucking Dolphins touchdown. And then the updates wouldn't stop! What is this fuckery? Reggie Bush is good at football now? What in shitsville is Mike Shanahan doing benching his talented rookie running back? Why is Rex Grossman allowed to be a starting quarterback? Why is this defense being good now after looking like a pile of cat shit for the first seven games of the season? Why is this team winning these meaningless games?? Goddamit!!!
The Marionette Puppet Matt Moore played as mediocre as possible (209 yards, 1 INT, 1 fumble, 0 touchdowns. SUCH A LATE BLOOMER!) and we still managed to score a fucking win.
Now the insufferable Happy Dolphins Fans are out in full force, celebrating our shitty banality like we just won a goddamned Super Bowl and actually believing that we've got a real good shot at winning out. Seven wins in a row? A cakewalk! We're so fantastically good! Mmmm.... cock.
So we're currently at two wins along with the Rams. The assface Colts, meanwhile, have simply gone full on Fuck It mode. Where the hell is their Karlos Dansby yelling defiantly that this shit ain't right, bro?
And no, shitheads, we're not winning out. And NO Matt Moore IS NOT THE NEXT FUCKING TONY ROMO! Knock that ass fuckery off right now.