The Matt Moore Late Bloomery Pants Party!

Oprah two and seven
Gotta admit. The only parts of the Dolphins game I watched was whenever they would appear on the Red Zone channel. And since we pretty much suck old lady ass in every aspect of football, I didn’t expect to see us there all that much. But then the DOLPHINS REDSKINS UPDATE!! thing flashed on my TV and they cut to the game, and showed LaMontelle Pussyhammer scoring a touchdown and throwing the ball into the stands.

Soon after, they went back and showed Washington’s kicker missing field goals, and Rex Grossman throwing an intercpetion in the redzone.

SWEET BABY JESUS MAKE IT STOP!

It got to a point where everytime the update graphics flashed, my asshole clentched up and I collapsed into a fetal position expecting the worst. Another fucking Dolphins touchdown. And then the updates wouldn’t stop! What is this fuckery? Reggie Bush is good at football now? What in shitsville is Mike Shanahan doing benching his talented rookie running back? Why is Rex Grossman allowed to be a starting quarterback? Why is this defense being good now after looking like a pile of cat shit for the first seven games of the season? Why is this team winning these meaningless games?? Goddamit!!!

The Marionette Puppet Matt Moore played as mediocre as possible (209 yards, 1 INT, 1 fumble, 0 touchdowns. SUCH A LATE BLOOMER!) and we still managed to score a fucking win.

Now the insufferable Happy Dolphins Fans are out in full force, celebrating our shitty banality like we just won a goddamned Super Bowl and actually believing that we’ve got a real good shot at winning out. Seven wins in a row? A cakewalk! We’re so fantastically good! Mmmm…. cock.

So we’re currently at two wins along with the Rams. The assface Colts, meanwhile, have simply gone full on Fuck It mode. Where the hell is their Karlos Dansby yelling defiantly that this shit ain’t right, bro?

And no, shitheads, we’re not winning out. And NO Matt Moore IS NOT THE NEXT FUCKING TONY ROMO! Knock that ass fuckery off right now.

Anyway… Go and read my Miami New Times game rundown and bask in the glory that is New Times commenters hating the shit out of me.

And buck up, Nation. Here’s something to make us feel a whole lot better today.