So we didn't post a Keys last week and, of course, we win the fucking game. CLEARLY EVERYTHING WE DO IS TIED INTO THE DOLPHINS CHI!!!
Therefore, we got Keys this week to try and bring us back into the shitty, muddy, dirty dog brown water world that we are accustomed to. To help, above is a pic that Francesca Frigo tweeted today that was damn delectable. Could you picture laying below those boobies and being smothered to death under their delicious, pillow-y weight? I know you can. A fine death-by-suffocation indeed!
The Matt Moore Marionette Puppet needs to quit it with that shit he pulled in KC. I'm starting to accept the fact that we MAY not get fucking Andrew Luck because these dickfaces are too 'competitive' or whatever but I will be fucking DAMNED if we do not have a shot at Matt Barkley come April. I will do what I must in order to avoid that.
LaMontell Pussyhammer and his goddamn 2-game streak of playing well is NO GOOD, MENG! Stop it! NONONONONONONONONONONO!
Defense! Now you assholes wanna start to actually play? NOW? 8 games in??? Perfect! Some day you can gloat to your grandchildren about how you played during a few games there for an eventual 4-12 team, you cocksocks.
The urge to punch Tony Sparano in the face every time I see him clapping and waving the team off the field after a successful (or even unsuccessful) drive-ending play is bordering on bloodthirsty lunacy.
SUCK FOR LUCK!!! KEEP THE FAITH!!! COLTS PLAY JACKSONVILLE SO DON'T LOSE OUT HOPE!!!
It's a slow news day today. Unless you want to keep talking about how awesome The Matt Moore Puppet has suddenly become after ONE FUCKING GAME.
So we bring you this AutoNation infomercial starring The Right Arm of God instead. And no, we're not getting paid for this. Dan Marino tweeted it, so I'm writing about it. Dan Marino could tweet a video of himself making his ass cheeks talk like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura and I'd post it.
The entire video is pretty bland. But now I want this car. Not the Nissan LEAF model, but THIS car specifically. Because Dan Marino drove it. And he autographed the windshield which is fucking amazeballs. Thanks for making this car both insanely awesome and insanely unsafe to take out on the highway, Dan Marino!
Also, Josh the AutoNation sales guy looks like he dookied his pants while talking to Marino during the shoot. Not judging, mind you. I totally would too. I'm impressed Josh was able to complete sentences. I'd be an incoherent mess if I were him. Dan Marino would probably start a charity just for me because he'd be convinced I was some sort of inbred mongoloid.
Matt Moore is one of the quarterbacks up for this week's the FedEx Air and Ground and Sometimes Two Days Late Even Though We Say We Promise Overnight Delivery Award.
Moore threw for 244 yards and three touchdowns while shouting "FLAME ON!" to our Andrew Luck dreams, as he led the Fins to their first win in 10 games.
You can vote for him here. He's up against Aaron Rodgers and Matt Ryan, two quarterbacks the Dolphins chose to pass up during their respective draft days.
Sure one is a Super Bowl winning MVP and the other a rising young star. But who needs that when you've got a flailing puppet from Thunderbirds leading you to meaningless wins? It all makes perfect sense when you think about it.
Some might say the Suck For Luck dream is only mostly dead, but not yet completely gone, what with a shitload of games left to be played. But these people clearly haven't seen the Colts play. They're fucking dookie pants awful.
And this meaningless, hollow, void, futile, fruitless, pointless, gaping maw of nothingness victory will probably lead to another win next week against the shitty Redskins. Because why not win another one for the fist pumping assface who will be coaching up the University of South Carolina offensive line this time next year?
And now the speculation starts about where we go from here. Barkley? Landry? Balls in my soup? Who gives a fuck.
Anyway... not much else to say but feeling like this after a goddamn win is pretty fucked up. Fuck this team and it's absolute refusal to stop being a mediocre piece of shit.
Fuck it. I say we give whatever the Colts ask for to trade up.
Fuck your draft values bullshit. Why give up a bunch of picks for essentially an unproven player? Because he's got more promise than the shitload of unproven players we'd be trading him for. And let's be honest. It doesn't matter who we get to run things down here next year. A multitude of draft picks will turn into a bunch of Jared Odricks anyway.
Also, fuck you if you're a happy Dolphins fan today. Fuck you right in the pantaloons.
For years a lot of you have been clamoring for us to make t-shirts based on our various dick jokes and general tomfoolery. But that shit is time consuming and expensive to do. And besides, why waste time making shirts when there's a perfectly good website out there taking our jokes and making them into shirts themselves without permission.
But mainly, we're just too lazy to do it.
Luckily for us all, the fine folks at Destined For Greatness (DFG) have made this badass SUCK FOR LUCK shirt you see above. So now you can show your support for how you want your favorite team to be as shitty as possible for Andrew Luck anywhere you go!
Do it before we go on our inevitable three game winning streak and fuck the whole thing up.
Seriously. Look at that thing. A real pussy magnet if I've ever seen one.
And, as you can see, the design is written in Dolphins font inside the Dolphins logo, so you can show it off to your Colts fan friend as you kick him repeatedly in the balls until he vomits his own spleen.
What beleaguered, beaten-down Dolfan can honestly now believe everything will dovetail perfectly and present Luck — said to be the greatest draft prospect since Peyton Manning in 1998 — in the spring of 2012?
You know better.
It won’t happen.
The mathematical odds alone are too great. The moribund, Peyton-less Colts at 0-8 have the inside rail on Miami’s 0-7 – plus the crucial likely tiebreaker (softer schedule) should the teams tie for the worst record.
Yes, this whole thing has Fuck Up written all over it. We Dolphins fans know this better than anyone. And it sure as shit looks more and more like the fucking Colts are gonna end up with Luck.
But Greg Cote was also the guy who pleaded to the front office to trade for Brett Favre a couple of years ago. He also uses an imaginary bird to predict football games. So for Greg Cote to say we're not going to get Andrew Luck is like Jesus practically handing him to us on our laps. Thanks, Jesus!