Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Keys to the Game: Jets @ Dolphins

Okay, kids.  The banner flies this Sunday, 10am - 12pm.  Be sure to drink maaaaaaayyybe one less full cup of whisky/vodka/etc come Sat night so you can actually witness it.  Apparently, whether we win or lose is between the #7 and #10 pick so I think you can gather which one is probably a better idea to have in case we need to trade the house to get Luck.  However, the Jets are so fucking atrocious right now I could easily see us winning this game - which would very much please the small, dying child inside of me.  Meh.  Somehow we'll find a way to fuck this up between these two rather satisfying outcomes.  Bet on that!

Oh!  Almost forgot but the team is honoring #99 just before the game and before he rips out Mark Sanchez's quivering vagina.  So you might want to be in your seats by 12:45 to pay tribute to a Dolphins legend.  Hopefully ROCK HEAD will be there alongside him.

Please have a safe, fun and exciting New Year with your friends and loved ones.  The Dude and I love you all very much and we look forward to another year of total tittyball, dickjokery together.  Please be smart and don't drive drunk, people.

[Editor's Note: 640 Sports has us on their Best of 640... so, if you missed my interview about the Fire Jeff Ireland banner with the Big O from a few weeks ago, or if you just want to hear my shaky nervous sexy voice again, go to their main page and listen there. It's in the iPlay 640 Best Of section... scroll down to #7 where is says CHRIS JOSEPH FINS NATION WRITER. That's me! And ditto on what DRK said about loving you all and shit. Deuces! - The Dude]

UPDATE:  As TomAss smartly suggested, if you're there and get any footage, please email all pics and vids of the airplane to firejeffireland@gmail.com so we can post them.  Thanks!

UPDATE 2:  It was just announced that Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced.  Happy Boobs Day, boys!

hat tip to @rizzmiggizz and @happinesshotel

So Long, 99 ... And Thanks For All the Asskickery

Jason Taylor is playing his last game on Sunday, and that blows big gargantuan camel nuts because he's pretty much the last Dolphins player I truly give a shit about.

I remember being at a Dolphins-Raiders game during his rookie season and seeing this tall motherfucker jumping off the line of scrimmage with insane speed and mauling Jeff Hostetler like a goddamn grizzly on roids and Red Bull. It was then that I, and everyone in that stadium, knew we had something special in that dude wearing 99. It was the tits.

Jason Taylor just exudes badassery in all its forms. Built like a linebacker, athletic like a power forward and blessed with arms of iron and abs that can grate cheese, Taylor walks away having pretty much sealed his spot in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Although his bust might melt all the others in his section of the building with its awesomeness.

JT leaves the game with 139 sacks (sixth all-time), is number one in fumble returns for touchdowns (6), and has an entire wing of his mansion filled with pieces of Tom Brady's ass. 

Taylor is also a six-time Pro Bowler and a five-time All-Pro selection. He won the Alumni Pass Rusher of the Year in 2000, won AFC Defensive Player of the Year in 2002 and 2006, the NFL Alumni Defensive Lineman Player of the Year in 2005 and 2006, was the AP NFL Defensive Player of the Year and the PFWA Defensive Player of the Year in 2006, and he won the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award in 2007, where he was given the award during halftime of the Super Bowl where the Patriots choked away their bid for a 19-0 season. Holy fuck Jason Taylor owned Tom Brady even when he didn't play him! They just had to step on the same field, and JT would roundhouse kick Brady's hopes and dreams right in the dick. 

And if you're still all mad at JT for going to the Jets last year, you need to have a slice of get the fuck over it and cut that shit out already. The guy was forced out by Bill Parcells -- the same fucker who has ruined your team and gave us both Tony Sparano and Jeff Ireland. Taylor went where he was wanted. Not his fault.

No matter what, JT is an all-time Dolphin and always will be. Unlike dudes such as Joe Montana, Brett Favre, or Johnny Unitas, Taylor is actually ending his career with the team he kicked the most ass with. Embrace it, Nation. Just like Marino, we may not see such a single dominant force on this team in a long time.

So remember that when you Google him in the future to look up his stats and compare them to the new supposed defensive stand-out we just drafted. You'll be both sad and in awe of JT's greatness. But at least it'll be better than when Tom Brady Googles him and, instead of the search engine reading "Do you mean Jason Taylor?" it reads, "RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE, COCKBAG!" before shooting sparks and exploding.

So long, 99. 

Thank you.

The Aeroplane Flies High

 

I called the company this morning and they assured me that many of you will be like our friend Tattoo here (circa the :35 mark) come Sunday morning.

Just an update for everyone.  First name and last initial for all those that contributed will be posted shortly and read by Mayor Rudolph Guliani in a very Ground Zero-y voice.  Ground Zero for Jeff Ireland's MIIIIIIND, that is.

Congratulations, Drew Brees*

Drew Brees broke Dan Marino's single-season passing record last night. And while ESPN went out of its way to cover the event, even taking a camera into the Saints locker room and bringing America live coverage of Brees thanking his teammates and the people who rub his balls, the whole extravaganza will be somewhat deflated when, in less than a week later, Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers break the record themselves this Sunday.

How does a record that has stood for 27 years get broken by three different guys in the span of a week? 

Because, as CBS.com's Mike Freeman points out, today's NFL is one giant pussy fart where defenders aren't allowed to even look at receivers and linebackers are fined a gazillion dollars if they so much as yawn in a quarterback's direction.

Thanks to liberal offensive-friendly rules, Brees was able to break this record.

Basically if Marino played in this era, he'd throw for 9,000 yards easily every single season, and then he'd mouth bang Ben Roethlisberger's mistress, and it would be consensual!:

[Marino's] throws were unbelievably accurate and he did this during a ferocious era of NFL defense. The 1980s were one of the more violent in football when athleticism on the defensive side of the ball, in many ways, was better than the offense. Players like Lawrence Taylor, Reggie White and Ronnie Lott, among many others -- head hunters and rib breakers -- were allowed great latitude to do massive damage to wide receivers and quarterbacks. Receivers weren't protected and quarterbacks were brutalized. Though Marino's quick release helped to protect him from many major hits (though far from all of them) his receivers were hammered.

Like Marino, Brees is using pinpoint accuracy to shred defenses. Unlike Marino, Brees is doing it with liberal rules that leave defenses playing with one hand tied behind their back.

In effect, Brees' record will be severely watered down. So much so, that it almost deserves an asterisk.

Receivers now go across the middle knowing chances of getting cracked in the head are slim. You see these offenses. Receivers run untouched and wide open. The deep middle is where a defense is most vulnerable and, like any great player, Brees has taken full advantage. The rules have removed lions from the wild allowing the antelope population to prosper.

This is not to say that Brees isn't a brilliant talent on his way to the Hall of Fame. He is. Brees. Carpet. Red. Roll it out. It's just that his record is a shell of Marino's.

The article also goes on to point out that, thanks to these shitty rules, dudes like Matt Schaub, Daunte Culpepper and Jeff Garcia all have better QB ratings than Marino. Read that sentence again, and make me not diminish all this record breaking nonsense.

So while Brees is an amazing quarterback, and while he and his freakish face mole will be in the Hall of Fame some day, this record is tainted in every way. 

But congrats to Brees, Brady and Rodgers. This is a remarkable achievement and a hallowed record that will stand the test of time until Andy Dalton breaks it next season.

Dolphins at Patriots Open Thread

We could potentially fuck up the Patriots shot at getting the first seed in the AFC this week, and the Jets getting into the playoffs next week.

Holy fuckmuffins, the Universe is not going to make this shit easy.

Talk it out...

No Matt Barkley For You!

USC quarterback Matt Barkley announced today that he's going back to school for his senior year. This leaves us Robert Griffin Number Three to hope for.

However, he too may return to school for his senior year. And even if he does enter the NFL Draft, teams like the Browns and the Redskins (and maybe even the Bills) will be selecting ahead of us anyway. And, as you can see in Todd McShay's mock draft above, he had us taking Barkley eighth overall before the announcement.

Which means the Colts will end up with Andrew Luck, and the Redskins with Griffin. So then, who do we get??....

Boy those wins over Kansas City, Washington, Oakland and Buffalo that were completely meaningless and had absolutely no bearing on whether we made the playoffs this year were totally worth it, right you guys?

Reggie Bush Won AFC Offensive Player of the Week

Reggie Bush is your AFC Offensive Player of the Week. 

Bush recorded a career-high 203 rushing yards in last week's 30-23 win over the Buffalo Bills. Miami (5-9) is 5-2 in its last seven games and Bush is a key reason. He's just 27 yards shy of his first 1,000-yard season.

Remember when Reggie sucked? He looked like he couldn't be an every down back and was always getting stuffed in the backfield for big losses. Then all of a sudden Kim Kardashian got divorced and was all "I wanna fuck Reggie again!," and now he's suddenly kicking ass again.

In fact, has hasn't been kicking this much ass since his USC days when he was plowing through coeds and sorority houses while plowing through opposing defenses. He broke a shitload of NCAA records while at USC.

This week, he set career highs for rushing yards (203), and average per carry (8.1). His 203 yards against Buffalo were the third most in Dolphins history and the highest since Ricky Williams in 2002. Reggie also had a career-long 76-yard touchdown run and rushed for a career-high 122 yards in the second half, the most in team history. Now he's is on the verge of reaching the first 1,000 yard season of his career. 

I guess the lesson for all the kids out there is that vagina is really awesome.

Dolphins Hopes for Andrew Luck Still Alive Question Marks Exclamation Points

Ben Volin decided that today is a good day to fuck with us all because he writes that, thanks to the Colts win over the Titans on Sunday, the Dolphins suddenly got back into the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Not cool, Ben Volin. Not. Cool. 

Volin does do a pretty fantastic job of breaking down the draft scenarios, where we stand now, where we'll likely be once the season ends, and how our five wins and counting are totally shoving a cock in our ear: 

So Luck is back in play – for now at least. If you’re a Dolphins fan, you need to root your little heart out this weekend for the Colts. And develop an intense hatred of the Rams and Vikings

[...]

Outlook: Because of the second tiebreaker (conference record), the Dolphins (4-6 in AFC) currently pick ahead of Washington (5-5 in NFC), which is crucial because the Redskins will definitely be in the market for a quarterback in the draft. However, the Dolphins’ closing schedule is much tougher than the Redskins’, and they ultimately will lose the strength of schedule tiebreaker to Washington, if it comes down to that. Regardless, the Dolphins will still probably need to trade up to one of the top-4 spots if they want to ensure that they get one of the top QB prospects.

Since this whole Fire Jeff Ireland banner fiasco, I've been asked a few times if my opinion of the Honey Badger GM will change should he take the leap and trade up to draft Luck. The short answer to that is "Oh shit yes it will." The longer answer is, "There's no fucking way Jeff Ireland trades up because he overvalues draft picks and also he's a giant pussy Honey Badger GM so there's no chance of that happening."

But staying put and not trading up for Andrew Luck is the right move. Those future middle-of-the-first-round picks and third rounders are an invaluable asset in the hands of a draft wizard like Jeff Ireland. No need to give up picks and move up to try and get the best quarterback prospect since Peyton Manning. This team is two or three Koa Misis away from being a Super Bowl champion, when you really think about it!

LaMontelle Pussyhammer Needs Just 27 Yards To Reach 1,000 Yards On The Season, Has An Ass Closet

Dolphins at Bills Open Thread

Go read this Dave Hyde article.

Converse amongst yourselves....