Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Koa Misi Got Arrested, Bro

Dolphins 'linebacker' Koa Misi was arrested by Broward County's Sheriff's office and charged with felony battery stemming from an altercation in California.  Judging by the discerning, calculating look on his face, ole' Poindexter up there was probably going over some complex equations with another biophyscis Ph.D. student when perhaps their discourse became a tad too spirited!!  Surely, he slapped him across the face with a fine leather glove and then proceeded to cause injury upon him with great force and malice via his Russian Blackamoor Cane!!  Way to handle such saucy upstarts, Misi!

Just kidding, he probably beat a woman because THAT'S WHAT OUR PLAYERS ARE JUST KINDA INTO. 

In case you're keeping score: 

• Jeff Ireland = still a fantastic talent evaluator.  He works soooo hard, you guys!!!  He orders food via Seamless Web every night and never ever logs on to Facebook!
• Koa Misi = just notched what is likely his only tackle of the 2012 season
• Stephen Ross = clueless gargoyle
• Your Miami Dolphins = New Cleveland Browns

Have a great weekend!  WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Stephen Ross Had A Press Conference

Dolphins owner Stephen Ross and GM Jeff Ireland had an impromptu press conference with the local media today, and guessing from the media's reaction to the announcement of it last week, we were supposed to get some definitive answers about what the fuck is going on in Davie.

“I want to be in the playoffs every year, I want to be in the hunt,” Ross said. “And you’re going to do that with consistency, you’re going to do that in the draft and you’re going to do that by being smart. And I think we’re building the nucleus of that right now.”

Also, Ross said players want to play for the Dolphins even though they failed to sign every guy they went after so far:

“This is probably the best place in the NFL to play football and it will never stop us from getting a player in this organization. Players will want to play for this organization.”

The Honeybadger also said some shit:

“We’re keeping our philosophy intact and that’s going after value in free agency and continuing to build through the draft,” Ireland said.

The Dolphins are building through the draft even while chasing Peyton Manning, and then Matt Flynn and then Alex Smith and then signing David Garrard who they apparently forgot was no longer employed with any NFL team. So, there you go.

Also, Stephen Ross said this: 

“I think [Jeff Ireland has] done a great job with the draft, he’s a great talent evaluator, he is somebody who is as hard working as anybody as I’ve ever met,”

So to recap: Ross called this press conference to tell everyone he wants to be in the playoff hunt every year, they've got a good "nucleus," players are dying to play for the Dolphins, and Jeff Ireland is a good talent evaluator. That's it. That was the entire press conference. This presser was such a monumental exercise in horseshit and delusion I’m honestly surprised Ross didn’t call it to announce that he's Batman.

Weekender: Non-Kate Upton Edition

My girlfriend complains that all we ever do is put Kate Upton on here for the Weekender.  So, in lieu of her concerns, I'm putting up this random chick with great boobs model Rosie Jones.  After the week/month/years/generation we've had, I'd say we all deserve a little Random Anonymous Model Chick With Great Boobs Rosie Jones. In addition, here's Adriana Lima with her ass up to the world below.

Have an ass-up weekend, Nation!

More pics of Rosie here.

Friday Link Dump!

For your persusal:

- Forgot to mention this yesterday, but The Phinsider interviewed me. Go here to read me shitting all over Ireland, pointing out why I think he's an awful GM, and explaining how I think dickjokes and references to poop are considered intelligent comedy! Surprisingly enough, I never once use the word FUCK in the entire interview. A personal achievement for me. My Mom is very proud. Big thanks to The Phinsider for having me over and ruining roughly 75% of their readership's day. 

- Barry Jackson is probably the best Dolphins reporter there is, mainly because he's not a dick, which seems to be the M.O. for Dolphins reporters. He's also probably the whitest person named Barry Jackson. In his Friday Buzz column today, Barry explains how the Dolphins' so-called philosophy and their past decisions have shaped the way they've failed to do anything during this free agency period outside of shitting into an empty Chinese food container.

He points out how Ireland and Philbin both want to build through the draft. Which makes perfect sense when you think about how they were chasing around a 36-year old quarterback roughly a week ago. He also points out how truly shitty Ireland's handling of the salary cap has been -- primarily on an offensive line that killed Chad Henne last season, and almost killed Matt Moore had it not been for him being made of string, felt and cotton (because he's a puppet, you see). 

Barry also drops some nuggets on how Rich Gannon thinks they blew it with Matt Flynn, some shit about Alex Smith, and other things. As always, it's a good read.

- Looks like it's time to start speculating on which quarterback we all think we're going to draft but then watch as Ireland passes him over for a right tackle. The Finsiders break down Ryan Tennenhill. MMMMMM...UPSIDE.

- Omar Kelly does that thing where he points out how the team has added depth, so all is well. I may not have as much access to the team as Omar, so I'm just going to go ahead and assume he's right and that Artis Hicks is the answer to all our prayers. DYNASTY!

- The awesomely mustachioed Brian Biggane points out how the Dolphins will have their pick of several QBs in next month's draft, but also that NONE of them are sure things.

So, no Luck, no RG3 and no Peyton. BUT THAT WEEK 10 WIN OVER THE REDSKINS THAT HAD ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING ON WHETHER WE MADE THE PLAYOFFS OR NOT SURE WAS THE BALLS, YOU GUYS! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Here's Your Letter

So I was listening to the Dan Le Batard show yesterday when Dan read a letter from a listener about Jeff Ireland. And I as I heard it read, I was like, "Daaaamn" and "Oh shit" and "What?" and "Mmmhmm."

So what would possess me to instantly turn into a black lady at a beauty salon? The fact that the letter was on-fucking-point.

Not that we haven't heard any of this before. Shit, it could have been written by myself or DRK, except without the words FUCKNUTS or DICK KNOB peppered throughout each paragraph.

The main thing that struck me, however, was how the media wrongly interprets the fans' perception on Ireland. It's almost in the same vein as the way zombies all think anti-Irelanders are morons who couldn't tell a football from a shoe. The media thinks our ire towards Ginger McDipshit is rooted in reactionary anger. That we need someone to blame. Well, fuck you with a Schticky, media. Don't confuse our anger with stupid.

The letter also points out Ireland and the front office's lack of focus -- something we've known about, but which has really been personified this off-season.

Anyway, I tweeted out how the letter nailed it. Then a bunch of you bugged the shit out of me to find it. And then I found it because I'm fucking Sherlock Holmes. And by that I mean, our very own Adam Smoot happened to be the guy that wrote it and told me so and then e-mailed it to me.

The letter is after the jump.

Jeff Ireland Is A Dipshit

Jeff Ireland is a dipshit.

If there’s any solace to this complete, unabashed, projectile vomit of a pathetic offseason for your Miami Dolphins, it’s that the entire football-watching nation has come to that realization.

This is no shocking revelation. Not to us.

While everyone is clamoring to start protests in Davie and replace their twitter and facebook avis with this, we sat back and wondered what took so many people so fucking long to come around.

Jeff Ireland is a dipshit. Nothing’s changed here. All that’s happened is that his dipshittness has gone national.

That’s why we flew that banner last December. And took a lot of shit from those who “knew better.”

Well… told you so!

No, wait.

FUCK YOU.

Okay, now we can say it.

Told you so!

Sorry For The Radio Silence...

...but The Dude and I were actually trying to enjoy our bromance weekend together in New York City without Jeff Ireland, Stephen Ross and the Dolphins completely ruining it for us.  Of course, that didn't work and yesterday featured a number of dumbfounded, pensive stares into the distance while soaking up the Spring sun on the NYC Highline as well as some impromptu, I've-completely-lost-it laughter at Central Park's Boathouse. 

The Dude will be around shortly to eloquently summarize the weekend's events in that way only he can, dashing wordsmith that he is. 

In the mean time, yea, we can't fucking believe this shit either.  Fuck this team with a rat carcass soiled in anthrax and Hitler's semen.

UPDATE:  For those making it out to the protest at the Davie facilities tomorrow at 12/1pm, our advice to you is come armed (with at the very least some signs, catchy protest slogans, maybe printouts of the various articles deriding our franchise that came out this morning so you can toss it on the property, and anything else that is peaceable) and come informed (re: laws regarding peaceful assembly in Davie).  FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT, MY CHILDREN!!!  ALLAH IS WITH US!!!

Dolphins Fill Gaping Holes In Offense by Re-Signing Paul Soliai

After a day and a half of free agency, the Dolphins have finally made a move by re-signing nose tackle Paul Soliai. POKER GENIUSES!

The Miami Dolphins have landed their first big free agent of the 2012 signing period, and that player happens to be a member of last year’s team.Nose tackle Paul Soliai has cancelled a trip to Denver and is signing a contract that allows the Dolphins to keep the team’s Pro Bowler in Miami.

So, to recap: Got rid of Brandon Marshall. Re-signed the nose tackle. And still no Peyton Manning. 

My Mom describes football as "a bunch of fat guys jumping on top of each other for three hours." And now I'm honestly thinking Jeff Ireland believes that's what football is all about too.

So, This Happened on Twitter Today

First, everyone's favorite condescending, RESPECK-demanding Dolphins beat writer tweeted this out:

Then, I tweeted this:

Then DRK tweeted this: 

Then Rizz tweeed this:

Then I put this out there:

And then, twitter EXPLODED.

World Wide trending.

Well done, Nation.

Of Course, Brandon Marshall Punched a Woman in the Face

You just knew there had to be more to it.  Or at least you very much hoped this team's front office wasn't nearly as incompetent as it's shown itself to be time and time again.

Late last night, word began to leak out that just-traded former Dolphins receiver Brandon Marshall had been involved in an 'incident' recently - one that might raise a few NFL eyebrows.  Seems Beast there had quite the tussle outside of a New York City bar on Monday night at about 4 am (when most good things happen with rational, sober people you see) with another unnamed NFL player.  An unrelated woman there, Christin Myles, partying with some friends went outside during the altercation to meet up with another friend and somehow became involved.  According to the Post:

"Marshall — who earned his nickname with his aggressive style of play — then allegedly cold-cocked Myles in the left eye. She suffered a black eye. It wasn’t clear if he allegedly intended to strike her or one of her pals."

Classy!  Obviously, all this information is just coming to light and there's no knowing at this point the overall validity of the story (it's the New York Post, afterall) but it's worth noting given the speed with which Jeffy Ireland sent Beast packing for Chicago and the compensation he sought/received in the process.  Shrewd move by the worst GM in football, kneejerk reaction by Ginger McFuckface or was this new development not a factor at all in what was perhaps the slowly-developing 'plan all along'?  Stay tuned.