What the Dolphins will do: Somehow fuck it up. We barely even care anymore and that is so fucking sad, Nation. The Dude and I were driving around Miami last week listening to Ginger Fuckface on Lebatard and, jeez louise, that guy is a FUCKING ASSHOLE. What a smug prick!!
Ireland: ‘I believe in my plan as a person and we believe in it as an organization’
Lebatard: ‘Well, what is that plan exactly?’
Ireland: ‘Erm…I can’t tell you. IT’S TOP SECRET!!! NYAAAA!’
/ leaps away
Seriously, fuck him. I expect the usual: attempts at trading down to acquire more 2nd and 3rd rd picks that we’ll totally miss on anyway. Jerry Reese he is NOT. BUT, if we do stay at #8 by some hilarious miracle of circumstances, I fully expect us to take Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi St because – as nice of a player as he is – he has ‘Fletcher’ in his fucking name and that will be more delicious karmic payback for the universe to fuck us up with when he’s a total bust. Probably would’ve been a great player somewhere else if he hadn’t been drafted by the most snake-bitten franchise in football these days (you are relieved, Browns). TOUGH LUCK, DIPSHIT! Also, we totally overpaid for Soliai and it makes no sense to draft a guy like this but we thought the same thing when they drafted Jared Odrick a couple years back when we already had 17,000 DLs. BECAUSE WE NEVER DO THINGS THAT MAKE SENSE. So, hey.
What the Dolphins SHOULD do: Draft Ryan Tannehill. Just fucking do it. For fucking once, just do something everyone thinks you should really do and take a flyer on a big kid with a strong arm and a seemingly good head on his shoulders. I saw him on Gruden’s QB school where he came off as smart, enthusiastic and fucking likeable – unlike Chad Henne who derrf umm dummm derrr. Fuckin’ million dollar arm with a two cent brain if there ever was one! If Tannehill’s gone (which I totally suspect in this QB-starved league), then go after a playmaker like Coples from NC to help out Wake (unless we never get him back because of Ireland’s genius ‘value system’ HAHAHAHAHA!) or Michael Floyd to aid our embarassingly bad WR corps. Every single one of those guys is a fucking bum. Then move up in the 2nd round and get CK Parrot’s boy, Brandon Weeden. Yea, he’s older and all that bullshit but, fuck man, I’ll take a smart, older guy who’s ready to play ASAP and can give me 5-6 solid QB years than A GODDAMN PUPPET WITH NO SOUL.
Conclusion: Last year I sorta nailed the Pouncey pick SO I’M TOTALLY A SOOTHSAYING DICKJOKE BLOGGER WITH SPECIAL POWERS. My only prediction this year is that we WILL fuck this up. If we do anything – anything at all – un-Dolphins, un-Ginger Fuckface-like in this draft then I will wear a top hat, monocle and nothing else and dance my goofy ass outside of the Freedom Tower for 10 minutes.
Enjoy the Draft, everyone.
The Dude will be along later with some Tannehill-specific goodies.