Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Holy Shit We Drafted A Quarterback

After all the speculation, guessing, mock drafting and wondering how badly the dipshits in the front office were going to royally fuck up the draft, we finally drafted ourselves a quarterback in the first round. And he's a pre-med student! Woo-hoo book learnin'!

To no one's shock, the Dolphins took Ryan Tannehill with the 8th pick.

Some are already shitting on the pick. While others call it Hope, albeit with a grain of snark.

I know a lot of you are not happy about the pick. At least one of you seriously suggested we draft Fletcher Cox (I love you, but SHUT UP, ASSHOLE), and others simply don't know what to do with this pick.

I like it. I'm not going to bore you with scouting nonsense. Look at the youtubes. The guy can play. Can he play with the big boys? No one knows that. Just like no one knew if Tom Brady could, or if Aaron Rodgers could, and so on.

The bottom line here is that the Dolphins for once showed the balls to say fuck it and went after the guy they thought could be the guy. If he busts out, then at least Jeff Ireland will be going out in a blaze of honey badger glory. *FLAME ON! NYAAA!*

And if this dude turns out to be the best thing since The Right Arm of God, then well fuck and yes and let's everybody get laid!

No grumpypants today, Nation. We have something that we didn't have 24 hours ago.

Hope.

Motherfucking, dicksucking, bigtitty HOPE.

Is hope tangible? No. But for Christ, it's all we got.

Your NFL Draft Open Thread

Vent away, Nation.

There are early reports that the Fins are looking to trade out of the eight spot, and have already spoken to several teams about it.

Will they trade out? And if so, who do they take then?

Worry not. The Honey Badger GM is on the case. It's all part of God's plan to continue making your life as miserable as humanly possible!

LET'S GO, DRAFT!

EVERYONE Is Saying We're Going To Draft Tannehill

                                         Inception music makes everything more awesome!

Today is NFL Draft Day and, try as I might, I simply have no fucks to give.

*checks laundry hamper*

*finds a fuck wedged inside a dirty sock*

Ok, fine. Let's do this.

As we all know, the Dolphins have the eighth overall pick tonight. And EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE says we're going to draft Ryan Tannehill with that pick. And while the consensus in the comments of this here Award Winning Dickjoke Blog has been that you don't want them to draft Tannenhill, too bad, because Stephen Ross really, really, really wants us to. So, hey.

Of course, that doesn't mean we will. Not with the good ole Honey Badger GM at the helm. NYAAA!

Tannehill has pros and cons like anybody else. And, if you watched him take softball questions from Jon Gruden in that shitty QB draft show he does every year, you can see that Tanny-hill is a sharp, athletic dude. He's also a pre-med student, which gives us many options in the nicknaming department (The Doctor, The Surgeon, Dr. Kickass, MD, that sort of thing...). You can watch the Gruden-Tannehill QB Confidential thing in its entirety right here (also featured in this video: DVR fast forwarding!).

The obvious thing about tonight is, no matter what the Dolphins do, a lot of people are going to be very angry and a lot of people are going to be happy and a lot of people are going to be "meh."

This is the hole these dipshits have dug for themselves.

Here's a breakdown of Tannehill's game. Decide for yourself whether or not to give a shit or two.

So who are the Dolphins going to draft? I wish I had an answer for you.

But if I did, my answer is they're going to draft a lineman that they'll then release in two years, but that Jeff Ireland will swear is a "pretty darn good player." It’s one of those twist endings that no one will see coming!

FinsNation 2012 First Round Predictions

 
What the Dolphins will do:  Somehow fuck it up.  We barely even care anymore and that is so fucking sad, Nation.  The Dude and I were driving around Miami last week listening to Ginger Fuckface on Lebatard and, jeez louise, that guy is a FUCKING ASSHOLE.  What a smug prick!!

Ireland: 'I believe in my plan as a person and we believe in it as an organization'

Lebatard:  'Well, what is that plan exactly?'

Ireland:  'Erm...I can't tell you.  IT'S TOP SECRET!!! NYAAAA!'

/ leaps away

Seriously, fuck him.  I expect the usual:  attempts at trading down to acquire more 2nd and 3rd rd picks that we'll totally miss on anyway.  Jerry Reese he is NOT.  BUT, if we do stay at #8 by some hilarious miracle of circumstances, I fully expect us to take Fletcher Cox,  DT, Mississippi St because - as nice of a player as he is - he has 'Fletcher' in his fucking name and that will be more delicious karmic payback for the universe to fuck us up with when he's a total bust.  Probably would've been a great player somewhere else if he hadn't been drafted by the most snake-bitten franchise in football these days (you are relieved, Browns).  TOUGH LUCK, DIPSHIT! Also, we totally overpaid for Soliai and it makes no sense to draft a guy like this but we thought the same thing when they drafted Jared Odrick a couple years back when we already had 17,000 DLs.  BECAUSE WE NEVER DO THINGS THAT MAKE SENSE.  So, hey.

What the Dolphins SHOULD do:  Draft Ryan Tannehill.  Just fucking do it.  For fucking once, just do something everyone thinks you should really do and take a flyer on a big kid with a strong arm and a seemingly good head on his shoulders.  I saw him on Gruden's QB school where he came off as smart, enthusiastic and fucking likeable - unlike Chad Henne who derrf umm dummm derrr.  Fuckin' million dollar arm with a two cent brain if there ever was one!  If Tannehill's gone (which I totally suspect in this QB-starved league), then go after a playmaker like Coples from NC to help out Wake (unless we never get him back because of Ireland's genius 'value system' HAHAHAHAHA!) or Michael Floyd to aid our embarassingly bad WR corps.  Every single one of those guys is a fucking bum.  Then move up in the 2nd round and get CK Parrot's boy, Brandon Weeden.  Yea, he's older and all that bullshit but, fuck man, I'll take a smart, older guy who's ready to play ASAP and can give me 5-6 solid QB years than A GODDAMN PUPPET WITH NO SOUL.

Conclusion:  Last year I sorta nailed the Pouncey pick SO I'M TOTALLY A SOOTHSAYING DICKJOKE BLOGGER WITH SPECIAL POWERS.  My only prediction this year is that we WILL fuck this up.  If we do anything - anything at all - un-Dolphins, un-Ginger Fuckface-like in this draft then I will wear a top hat, monocle and nothing else and dance my goofy ass outside of the Freedom Tower for 10 minutes.

Enjoy the Draft, everyone.

The Dude will be along later with some Tannehill-specific goodies.

The Road To Yet Another 7-9 Season Is Officially HERE!

Here's the offical 2012 regular season schedule for your Miami Dolphins. Things of note: No Monday Night games, No Sunday Night Games (unless we're suddenly magically good towards the end of the season and one of those games gets flexed), and one Thursday Night game which is a bummer because Thursday Night games eat ass.

Also of note, on paper at least, the schedule looks pretty decent, which means we'll just get enough wins to get nudged out of the Matt Barkley sweepstakes and pick right in the middle of the draft again. 7-9 FOREVVVERRRRRRRRR........

Your thoughts in the comments. Go Dolphins. 

9/9 at Houston 1 PM

9/16 OAKLAND 4:15 PM

9/23 N.Y. JETS 1 PM

9/30 at Arizona 4:05

10/7 at Cincinnati 1 PM

10/14 ST. LOUIS 1 PM

10/21 BYE

10/28 at N.Y. Jets 1 PM

11/4 at Indianapolis 1 PM

11/11 TENNESSEE 1 PM

11/15 at Buffalo 8:20 PM (Thurs.)

11/25 SEATTLE 1 PM

12/2 NEW ENGLAND 1 PM

12/9 at San Francisco 4:05 PM

12/16 JACKSONVILLE 1 PM

12/23 BUFFALO 1 PM

12/30 at New England 1 PM

Weekender: DOLDRUMZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jimmy was right in the last post's comments:  enough with Ireland.  So here's Hope Dworaczyzyzyzyyykkzzzz's ass.  We are thick in the Doldrums, people.  And the only thing worse than The Doldrums is being stuck in the Doldrums with a no-hope, shitty team run by a bunch of fucking monkeys throwing shit everywhere.

So, yea, ass.

Have a good weekend, Nation.

Let's Remember Who The REAL Enemy Is

While all this hullabaloo over Guillen's comments re: Castro are fun and all, let us not forget who the REAL enemy of our state is.  HE WAS A KICKER SO HE FELT A LOT OF PRESSURE ALL THE TIME AND THIS MAKES HIM A 'GREAT TALENT EVALUATOR' SO HEY!

Dolphins Uniforms Got Nike'd

Now we'll be able to watch the Dolphins go 9-7 in their nifty new space age glow in the dark Nike unis!

Nike unveiled new uniforms today for all 32 teams. And while the NFL didn't get the Oregon treatment, and no team has mirrors for helmets, they are a sleek modern take on traditional uniforms.

One of the more prominent changes are in the gloves. When you put them together, they make the team logo. Neat!

There also appears to be some kind of ass-pad built into the pants.

You can see a slide show of the new uniforms here.

And with new uniform changes comes new opportunities to throw away your hard earned cash on Dolphins swag. You can get yourself some new Nike Fins gear at the pro shop. My personal favorite is the Miami KNOWS t-shirts. Because the possibilities are endless. Like my own personal dickjokes Mad Libs!