‘Hard Knocks’ Episode 1 Recap

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Yes, I know my photo sucks but I was in a rush and I wanted to use this boob-bouncing chick from the show.  SUE ME.  On to the recap:

  • Chad Johnson – whether or not this translates to the field – is a fucking STAR.  He’s so deeply involved in character at this point that he never laughs or breaks out of it.  Had me cracking up constantly and proved to be the only thing consistently entertaining (aside from the completely gratuitous but totally awesome 20-second cheerleader showcase) from the typical ‘derrr derrr 110% focus execution derrrf’ hum-drum of your average NFL player.  I’m pulling for the guy. #305tilIdie
  • Confession:  I’m not a tremendous fan of Philbin’s personality. If we win, it won’t matter but personally didn’t dig him much – particularly when he addressed the cussing ‘issue’ with Chad.  I seriously have no idea what he was even talking about towards the end.  It was long-winded and he danced around the problem.  You’re the head coach and you can be fucking direct about your thoughts on a player’s potty mouth if you fucking feel that way; you don’t need to be delicate about it.  It’s just not something I respect in a man and there’s a weird surliness about him that makes him a logical partner-in-crime for that salacious, insincere Ginger McFucktard.
  • But again, if he wins, he’s my best friend 4 everrerrerrrr.
  • Not nearly enough LaMontell Pussyhammer but Episode 2 seems to be more focused on him.  Take it eeeaasy, bay-bay.
  • The one thing that really worries me about Ryan Tannehill is he’s so fucking vanilla.  True, it may be I’m a bit Henne shell-shocked so I’m wary of monotone QBs lacking in personality.  Therefore, I’m hoping this is him being a humble rookie and behind closed doors he absolutely ravages the shit out of that wife of his like an enigmatic, progressions-assimilating gorilla but I am scared to death of it.  Still, he looked great (or at least was edited that way) and that pass to Fasano in the scrimmage was some veteran moxie shit.  Fist pump moment fo’ sho’.
  • Seriously, guys, Lauren Tannehill is absolutely nothing to write home about.  Okay?  Can we put that to rest already?  They showed at least 17 cheerleaders that outdistance her hotness by a quarter mile.
  • Vontae Davis is deeeeep in the doghouse, kiddies.  He looks out of shape and he’s complaining left and right.  I agree with Philbin about the whole bathroom shit (pun intended):  those are signs of someone who is laboring and doesn’t want to be there.  I think he’ll eventually get his err uhhh ‘shit’ together but he’s struggling like a guy walking on the beach on a 92-degree day wearing jeans and a black tshirt.  You ever see those dudes out there on South Beach?  Like 3-4 guys with baggy jeans on and big black tshirts and it just looks fucking terrible?  They look like they’re STRUUUGGGLIN’.  Why be out there wearing that shit, man?  ANYWAY
  • Les Brown is going to get someone killed.   I don’t think he could block my girlfriend’s 2-year old nephew.  But, oye meng, kudos on la chica, dawg.  That girl looked ready to straight fuuuuuuuuuuuck after practice, yoooo….!
  • Dawn Aponte’s ‘threat’ of RT17 not being a Dolphin this season because of how far apart the 2 sides are on the contract situation is just straight goofy as fuck, man.  Come on…
  • I hate seeing Jeff Ireland’s face.  I hate it I hate it I hate it I fucking hate it.  I hate him so much.  He’s the smuggest fuck ever.   You could see that in his conversation with Braylon Edwards.  He was dying to jump up on the chair Tom Cruise-style and yell ‘WHORE MOTHER!!!’
  • Why not Braylon Edwards again?  Braylon Edwards and Chad Johnson sounds A LOT better than Brian Hartline and Julius Pruitt.  Jus sayin’.
  • Too many segments of guys blocking each other ad infinitum with no point to it whatsoever but I guess they didn’t have much to work with without a game.  Guessing next week’s installment will be more riveting.
  • All in all, I’m not gonna lie:  I was fucking jazzed as fuck to see the facilities, our logo, our colors, our city, our hot, sweltering skies, and OUR fucking team showcased – as shitty as they may very well be right now.  It was fun to watch as a Dolphins fan and someone who has loved this team for 30 years now.  I had a big, dumb smile on my face because I JUST CAN’T QUIT YOU, DOLPHINS!
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Just hang on a bit… we’ll get it sorted out.


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