As we all know, we've never beaten these assholes so here we go again. Off into the wild blue yonder of another disappointing season to be. Fuck my face.
It all starts with instilling some confidence in RT17 and making as sure as fucking possible that he stays erect so I'm hoping Philbin and Company RUN THE FUCKING BALL. I'm not optimistic.
Our defense used to be good and now it seems really shitty. Considering our nickel DB is likely Nobody McWhothefuckwhatsit, yea, we're screwed on that end as well.
Will ANY wide receiver show up? Shit, the Cowboys had a guy that very few of us had heard of outside of being some promising, young receiver and that dude BLEW THE FUCK UP Thursday night. Do we have anyone like that on our team that has some fucking BALLS? Haven't seen it yet.
Will be interesting to keep an eye on Philbin and his staff. Do we get people off the field on time? How many 12 men on the field penalties will we accrue? How does he manage the game? These are things rookie head coaches are absolute SHIT and they're pretty important things in the scheme of the game, so how will Philbin handle that?
I have a strange feeling we're going to win this game considering our history against these guys. It's just a weird feeling and God knows I've been wrong before. But, hey, fuck it!!!! WHEEEEE!
Sound of Trumpets Blaring...A Medieval Procession featuring Much Gaiety throughout The Land...Streamers, Celebration...Did I mention Gaiety?...Really Gay....Everyone is joyous for the Proclamation is Upon Us.
The Constable, Lieutenant Dick Joke, looked down upon his scroll, adopted a pompous Brit accent and thus spake:
It is with great pleasure and aplomb that we here at FinsNation bestow upon one Rishard Matthews of Nevada by way of Texas the highly-coveted, much-desired, greatly-revered honor of the 2012 J.R. Tolver Memorial Award for Wide Receivers That Will Get You All SEMI-Excited About Them During OTAs and Training Camp Only To Do Absolutely Nothing In The Actual Regular Season. A NEW CHAMPEEEEEN HATH BEEN CROWNED!!!
(crowd erupts in cheering)
THIS WAS NOT AN EASY DECISION, DEAR FINSNATIONITES. NONONONO. SIR MARLON MOORE - OUR PREVIOUS 2-TIME WINNER - WAS MOST DELICIOUSLY AND PRODIGIOUSLY INCONSISTENT AND OCCASIONALLY FETCHING ENOUGH TO MAYBE PULL US AWAY FROM MINDLESSLY TWIDDLING WITH OUR PENASIA WHILST WATCHING ANY POINTLESS PRESEASON GAME TO HMMMMM PEERRRRHAAAPPSSS RAISE AN EYEBROW TOWARDS A CATCHED PASS OR FORCED FUMBLE. MOST DIFFICULT, INDEED! HIS RECORD SPEAKS FOR ITSELF!!!
BUT RISHARD (OR RESHAD, IF YOU ARE BEN VOLIN) WOULD NOT BE DENIED....
(crowd erupts in cheering)
I BELIEVE HE EVEN CAUGHT A PASS FROM CONSTABLE DEVLIN WHILST FALLING TO THE GROUND IN HIS HOME STATE OF TEXAS. MOST EXQUISITE!
(looks over at Matthews on the stage, winks at him playfully)
QUITE THE RAPSCALLION, THIS ONE!
AS WITH PREVIOUS WINNERS, HE WAS CHOSEN BECAUSE OF HIS BORDERLINE USELESS SKILL-SET, YAWN-INDUCING COLLEGE CAREER, TENACITY RESEMBLING A DYING PALM FROND, SELECTION BY THE GREAT TALENT EVALUATOR OF OUR TIMES - SIR JEFF IRELAND - AND HIS ZESTFUL KNACK FOR 'LETTING PEOPLE DOWN'. IN THE VALLEY OF DRYING HORSE FECES AND LEPER URINE THAT IS OUR WIDE RECEIVING CORPS, SIR RISHARD MATTHEWS WAS THE GUIDING BEACON OF LIGHT...FRESH ROSE PEDALS AND THE SWEET AROMA OF A FINE MORNING CUP OF EXOTIC COFFEE. IN 2 YEARS AT NEVADA, HE MANAGED 147 RECEPTIONS FOR 2,243 YARDS AND 13 TOUCHDOWNS. NOT BAD AT ALL, RISHARD!!! IN FACT, THOSE NUMBERS ARE ALMOST WORTH APPLAUDING IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU PLAYED AT A SHIT SCHOOL AND NOBODY CARED ABOUT YOUR SHITTY NAME ON A SHITTY TEAM IN A GENERALLY SHITTY STATE, ONLY CELEBRATED FOR A DEBAUCHEROUS PIECE OF DESERT WHERE MURDERERS, THIEVES AND WHORES ENGAGE IN SEXUAL PROMSICUITY, DRUG ADDICTION AND NEFARIOUS MONETARY PRACTICES!!! HOW LOVELY!
IN HIS FIRST NFL TRAINING CAMP AND PRESEASON, HE NIMBLY OUT-PERFORMED ALL OF OUR OTHER SHITSTAIN WIDE RECEIVERS BY ACCRUING 8 RECEPTIONS FOR 91 YARDS AND 1 SOLITARY TOUCHDOWN DURING OUR ENTIRE PRESEASON. A SINGLE TOUCHDOWN THAT JUST HUNG THERE LIKE A DYING, AGING TESTICLE LEFTOVER FROM A MAN RIDDLED WITH CANCER-EBOLA-SUPER AIDS.
(crowd vomits in unison)
IN CLOSING, WE PRESENT THEE SIR RISHARD MATTHEWS WITH OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS HONOR HERE IN FINSNATIONLAND. MAY YOUR TALENT BE AS MARGINAL AND UNINTERESTING AS EVER AND MAY JEFF IRELAND KEEP YOU ON THE TEAM / OFF THE TEAM / ON THE TEAM / OFF THE TEAM / ON THE TEAM / OFF THE TEAM UNTIL THAT GLORIOUS DAY UPON WHICH YOU DECIDE TO PUT A BULLET IN HIS DISGUSTING FUCKING GINGER HEAD AND MAKE US ALL PROUD OF YOU FINALLY ACHIEVING SOMETHING WORTH TALKING ABOUT.
TO SIR RISHARD!
Cheering, Celebrations, Women Raped, Villages Pillaged, Ecosystems Tarnished Forever, Entire Newly-formed Civilizations Crumbling upon the Announcement, various Dolphins players cut, salary caps pointlessly max'd out with useless players that don't score touchdowns or stop them from happening against us, more 'acorns' FOUND...