Presenting: The 2013 J.R. Tolver Award

HEAR YE! HEAR YE!  IT IS WITH GREAT HONOR AND APLOMB THAT WE BESTOW UPON THEE - PATHETIC NE’ER DO WELLS OF OUR GREAT LAND, DOLPHINIA - THE FINAL J.R. TOLVER AWARD WINNER.  THOUGH YOU HAVE NEVER DESERVED THIS GRAND GESTURE FROM THE MOST HOLIEST OF HOLIES, HE HAS GRACED YOU WITH SO MUCH KNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR FEEBLE MINDS COULD NEVER FATHOM ON EVEN THE MOST POTENT OF MIND-EXPANDING DRUGS.  KEEP YOUR EYES OFF THE DAMN BALL, YO U DOLTS!

THIS YEAR’S J.R. TOLVER AWARD WINNER IS A MAN THAT COMES WITH GREAT INTRIGUE, RESPONSIBILITY, AND EXPECTATIONS.  THAT MAN IS SIR MICHAEL WALLACE!!!

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(explosions, smoke, gasps from the audience, ambient crowd murmurs of disgust, angry yelling, children dying of SIDS that night, vaginas exploding, shots of the Hindenburg crashing, footage of the Tacoma Narrows bridge warbling in the wind…as Constable DRK guffaws loudly into the morning sun for an uncomfortable 13 minutes.  He countinues…)

HAHAHAHA!!! YOU FOOLS!  DID YOU THINK HE WOULD MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS?  DO YOU THINK YOU CAN EVER GET OUT OF 7-9?!!  MORONS!  PLEBEIANS!!! THERE IS NO END TO THIS NIGHTMARE!  THERE IS NO ‘WAKING UP AND MAMI BRINGS YOU SOME CAFE CON LECHE’!!!  THIS IS THE CRUCIBLE!!  THIS IS YOUR EXISTENCE – FROM THE CRADLE TO THE GRAVE!!!  SIR MIKE WALLACE MAY HAVE BEEN A YOUNG, FAST, ABLE-BODIED THREAT CAPABLE OF STRETCHING THE DEFENSE AND SCORING TOUCHDOWNS IN PITTSBURGH BUT HE WILL NEVER BE THAT UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYE OF SAURON THAT IS JEFF IRELAND AND HIS MENACING GAZE.  HE WILL SQUASH HIM, RUIN HIM, AND CAST HIM OFF FOR A COUPLE OF 4TH ROUNDERS!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! HE WILL BE DEEMED A ‘DISRUPTION TO THE TEAM’, A ROADBLOCK IN TANNEHILL’S ‘DEVELOPMENT’, A ‘HAS-BEEN’, A MEDIOCRE BARGAINING CHIP, A ‘DIVA’ AND HE WILL BE JETTISONED FOR FAR LESS VALUE TO ANOTHER TEAM JUST LIKE BRANDON MARSHALL WAS.  DO YOU NEVER LEARN?  THIS IS THE PRICE SIR WALLACE WILL PAY FOR BEING WITHIN THE GRASP OF IRELAND’S RAVAGED CLAWS…IN HIS COLD, SOUL-SUCKING GRASP…HE WILL WITHER AND DIE.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(the crowd wails into the dark night, forces of evil and shadows of Biblical malice enrapture the crowd, the scene is dark, there is no end, it is an endless fall into the depths of sadness and pain, it is forever 7-9)

DatRoroKid (16 Posts)

Fart Train to Fartsville. Born and raised in da County Dade but living in NYC until I get sick and fucking tired of it (i.e. soon)


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5 Responses to “Presenting: The 2013 J.R. Tolver Award”

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  1. TannyBoy says:

    Damn you…. you couldn’t let my Hope Springs eternal feeling continue for just 3 more days. Here I am cruising along setting fantasy rosters and dreaming of actually picking and using some Dolphins. Then FAAAAAARRRRRRRTTTTTT noise you ruin it. I feel like that time in the 5th grade when some pricks convinced me to ask out the prettiest girl in class because she thought I was cute. I told myself I would never be duped like that again… yet somehow my mighty Dolphins manage to do it to me very year.

    One post from DRK brings me from cloud 9 to the bottom of a concert porta-john. Ohh Dolphins you wretched bitch how you break my heart so.

  2. HunztheMighty says:

    Hope springs eternal until its dashed. I am still hoping for a 10 win season. Warren Sapp (a veritable genius) is on the record saying Tannehill will beet Marino’s (his holiness may his right arm rest in peace) 1985 5K yards record. If thats not cause for optimism then what is?

  3. Cory says:

    First off, Chad Bumphis was robbed. Secondly, you couldn’t pony up the couple bucks at 123RF to get a non-watermarked image for the trophy. Us illustrators have to pay bills too.

  4. Gersom says:

    Please tell me Gibson was a seriously close contender for this award!!!

  5. Jimmy says:

    I had to come back to this post to say, Fucking A, what a genius pick this was in light of the first game and “Ask Coach, I don’t make the game plan.” I think maybe the wrong Mike Wallace suited up for 60 minutes. Ireland put the dead one in uniform. Actually, however, I am still hopeful Mikey turns it around and gives us a deep ball threat that should open up the running game a tad, which is what the running game was Sunday, a tad.

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