Your Miami Dolphins Start the 2013 Season 2-0, SHOW US YOUR TITS!

tannehill colts

Holy cockshoes your Miami Dolphins are 2-0!

After taking down Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts 24-20, the Fins are off to the races, starting the season 2-0 for the first time IN LIKE A DECADE.

Kinda like the first time I ever dry-humped my mattress, this feels weird, but also really good!

Feel free to give us your take in the comments. Here are some quick thoughts following the win:

  • COCKCAKES Grimes has been pretty stellar so far. That INT in the endzone as he covered Reggie Wayne was the play of the game. Keep in mind that before his injury with the Bucs Falcons, Grimes was one of the best corners in the league. If his knee can hold up for the rest of the year, the Fins might have gotten themselves quite the bargain. He keeps this up, and he’ll be in line for Most Improved Player. And we can celebrate with cake!
  • Ryan Tannehill still looks a tad jittery in the pocket, and forces some shit throws — or he’ll just stand there and forget that this is tackle football and that the defensive line doesn’t have to count Mississippi’s before rushing him. BUT, he can throw darts in small spaces and seems to be getting a grasp of NFL speed. His long-ball still has the accuracy of DRK trying to take a shit when he’s drunk, but there is visible improvement. And he outplayed Andrew Luck in this game. So, there’s that.
  • Our linebackers still can’t cover tight ends. If the Colts coaches had realized this, maybe this game would’ve had a different outcome.
  • Dion Jordan pushed Andrew Luck. He PUSHED him. This happened. What the shit?
  • Mike Wallace needs to BITCH AND MOAN SOME MORE. Because that shit works, evidently.
  • The Dolphins committed zero penalties in this game. That’s fucking bananas.
  • The offensive line remains, as ever, a big wet grocery bag of dog shit. I mean what the fuck is a Ryan Clabo? And enough already with Daniel Thomas whiffing on his blocks.
  • We’re really, really, super good at finding kickers. Caleb Sturgis is a beardless Dan Carpenter.
  • Brian Hartline and his CAT-LIKE REFLEXES had yet another stupendous game. We like fucking with the guy on Twitter, but it’s time we gave him his due. Hartline is a gamer. Sure, he forever fucked up when he came after DRK with his lame cat trash talk. But he more than makes up for it with his play, and with his deciding to not block the shit out of everyone on Twitter when they tweet out stuff like :

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’re such assholes.

BUT WE’RE HAPPY ASSHOLES WHO ARE 2-0 FUCK YEA.

The Dude (5 Posts)

The Dude abides. Go Dolphins.


8 Responses to “Your Miami Dolphins Start the 2013 Season 2-0, SHOW US YOUR TITS!”

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  1. DatRoroKid says:

    To be fair, the world is my toilet bowl whenever I drunkenly shit…

  2. Brodacious says:

    Just read this while on the shitter.

  3. Home on the Phins says:

    Grimes never had a knee injury or bum knee
    Prob was Achilles tendon and he has proven a full recovery

    Fins need to sign him asap to a long term deal

  4. LoRyder says:

    Ahhh… Victory Monday…. so many feels!

    Grimey gets a few more INTs, and I’ll buy the next cock cake for him!

    I’ll be honest enough to say my expectations for this season were so low that I did think this game would be a loss. With this win, the team might just do better than 8-8. Maybe. Hell, I don’t know. But I’m gonna enjoy this win today.

    Go Dolphins! Wheeeeee!

  5. Gigi says:

    COCKCAKES FOR ERRBODY!!!

  6. Derp says:

    Hartline was PURRRRRfect.

  7. Jimmy says:

    Pre-season I was all this team has got to start winning because my liver cannot take it anymore. Now I’m all fuck I’m hungover from celebrating that victory. Moral of the story is that I drink too much, win or lose. But God that was a good victory with two big defensive stops.

    Can we win at home? Am I asking myself questions? Will I answer?

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