Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Everything Is Meaningless

    

Everybody wants Cam Cameron fired. But who do we replace him with? Bill Cowher? Bill Parcells? SI’s Peter King warns us of the Siren Song of the Big Name Coach, which we as a franchise have fallen for time and time again. I didn’t think Peter King was capable of anything other than verbally sucking off Brett Favre at every chance he got and eating an entire Christmas ham in one sitting. But the tubby bastard has a point that I happen to agree with here. The football-savvy just oozes out of him like warm gravy. Or is that actual warm gravy?

Meanwhile, the Cleo Lemon or John Beck? debates have begun. Which, at this point, has become like choosing between the chick with the goiter or the chick with the mustache. 

Look, given the state of shit around here, I don’t want to debate coaches and QBs right now. I just want a fucking win. And I want these douchegobblers to get their heads out of their asses and deliver one to me, STAT. We’re 0-13! We have three more games to try and avoid becoming the stars of ESPN Classic's The Biggest Fuckups In NFL History with your host, Steve Sabol.

The proverbial monkey on our collective back has evolved from being just a regular monkey -- taunting us and throwing shit at anyone within three feet of us -- into Dr. Zaius -- scoffing at our notion of science and warning us not to go into the Forbidden Zone.

So yea, everything else is pretty meaningless right now. Just. Win.

WTF Moment, No. 2837

Cam Cameron has been overwhelmed with head coaching and calling the offensive plays all year. It's tough to be a rookie head coach and deal with all the injuries, and the in-game clock management,  and the development of talented rookies and calling in the plays all at the same time. But the good news is Cam is finally delegating. That's right. He's announced a new offensive coordinator. And so his choice as the new Dolphins OC is ... ... ...

What?

Him?

Really?

Ah fuck!! Motherfucker!! What the fuck!?

This totally explains the three straight runs to hobbled Jesse Chatman after the Porter interception last Sunday. And why not hand Mike Mularkey the keys? When you're cornered by a grizzly in the woods, who else would you turn to but to the guy that suggests you lather yourself in honey to make the bear think you're just a giant mutant bee? "Don't worry!" He'll say. "He'll totally think you're a giant mutant bee and move on! Trust me!"

WTF Moment, No. 2837

Cam Cameron has been overwhelmed with head coaching and calling the offensive plays all year. It's tough to be a rookie head coach and deal with all the injuries, and the in-game clock management,  and the development of talented rookies and calling in the plays all at the same time. But the good news is Cam is finally delegating. That's right. He's announced a new offensive coordinator. And so his choice as the new Dolphins OC is ... ... ...

What?

Him?

Really?

Ah fuck!! Motherfucker!! What the fuck!?

This totally explains the three straight runs to hobbled Jesse Chatman after the Porter interception last Sunday. And why not hand Mike Mularkey the keys? When you're cornered by a grizzly in the woods, who else would you turn to but to the guy that suggests you lather yourself in honey to make the bear think you're just a giant mutant bee? "Don't worry!" He'll say. "He'll totally think you're a giant mutant bee and move on! Trust me!"

Cam Cameron Wants To Get Fired. Or Shived.

 
I�m not on the Fire Cam Cameron bandwagon. Not yet anyway. Some might think I am because of my recent posts but, believe me, these here visceral ramblings are all good and balanced -- like part of your complete breakfast! I am an equal opportunity ripper. I do everything in my power not to become part of the knee-jerk brigade or fall victim to the obtuse blathering of some of those fine folks (some of these commenters/message board brainiacs are actually blaming Cam for putting Zach on IR. I shit you not).

That said, this isn�t going to win him any points with the furious throng calling for his head. And that group is growing daily by the thousands.

Holding seven starters off the practice field on a Wednesday when you�re winless and facing a division rival on the road is not going to keep the pitchfork and torches at bay.

Of course, these seven players could all be nursing one injury or another (which Sun-Sentinel is assuming here), which wouldn�t be a shock given the way shit has gone down for us this season. Still, at this point, Cam needs to avoid any and all things that give off the perception that he�s hanging out in his apartment, unshaven, crumbs of Mallomars and potato chips stains on his wife-beater and smelling of ass, instead of being in the practice bubble preparing for Buffalo.

Or, keeping with the consistency of the clusterfuck of this season, all seven of these guys may have spontaneously combusted.

A cold Coors Light on the house to reader Aaron for the tip.

Cam Cameron Wants To Get Fired. Or Shived.

 
I’m not on the Fire Cam Cameron bandwagon. Not yet anyway. Some might think I am because of my recent posts but, believe me, these here visceral ramblings are all good and balanced -- like part of your complete breakfast! I am an equal opportunity ripper. I do everything in my power not to become part of the knee-jerk brigade or fall victim to the obtuse blathering of some of those fine folks (some of these commenters/message board brainiacs are actually blaming Cam for putting Zach on IR. I shit you not).

That said, this isn’t going to win him any points with the furious throng calling for his head. And that group is growing daily by the thousands.

Holding seven starters off the practice field on a Wednesday when you’re winless and facing a division rival on the road is not going to keep the pitchfork and torches at bay.

Of course, these seven players could all be nursing one injury or another (which Sun-Sentinel is assuming here), which wouldn’t be a shock given the way shit has gone down for us this season. Still, at this point, Cam needs to avoid any and all things that give off the perception that he’s hanging out in his apartment, unshaven, crumbs of Mallomars and potato chips stains on his wife-beater and smelling of ass, instead of being in the practice bubble preparing for Buffalo.

Or, keeping with the consistency of the clusterfuck of this season, all seven of these guys may have spontaneously combusted.

A cold Coors Light on the house to reader Aaron for the tip.

Unleash The Power of The Mormon!

Both the Palm Beach Post and the Miami Herald are calling for Cam Cameron to cut John Beck's cord and let him fucking sling the rock already. I added the fucking for emphasis.

Says Greg Stoda:

"Let [Beck] heave more than one deep toss to Ted Ginn Jr.... Have him throw on first down more often than not. Give him the keys to the two-minute offense, and do it four or five times...Enough with the kid-glove treatment. The Dolphins made the decision a few weeks ago to use the remainder of the season to study Beck, and time's a-wastin'."

Says Armando Salguero:

"In giving [Beck] the keys to the offense, they have declined to put any gas in the tank. While it is true Beck is now Miami's starting passer, he is more accurately the starter handing off to a running back. In other words, the Dolphins have put something of a tight leash on Beck. They have run the football 43 percent of the time this season but in the past two games since Beck became the starter, Miami has raised its runs frequency to 51 percent of the time..."

Yes, it was cold in Philly and it was the guy's first start. And Heinz field in Pittsburgh Monday was like playing in ankle deep sewage. But this week there's no excuse not to let Beck call down the power of God (being that they're good buddies and all) and let him throw all day. We're at home, facing a team we're actually favored against, staring down the last best shot we have at getting a win this year. And more than that, since we've lost Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, our running back options have been dwindled down to a motley crew of crappyness. And, they're each dealing with very legitimate reasons why they'll be questionable options the rest of the way:

Jesse Chatman: Injured ankle, injured neck. Plus, he's a Hobbit.

Samkon Gado: Hired. Fired. Hired again. Plus, he's Nigerian. Don't they play soccer or some shit?

Patrick Cobbs: Leprechaun.

Squiggy: Just signed to the practice squad.

You've got two major newspapers calling for the same thing, you've got me, a super studly blogger, calling for this as well. Which means Cam Cameron is going to do the exact opposite of what we're all saying. Because Cam Cameron is like Gandhi. He's a man of deep convictions and purpose and does things his way even when they seem ridiculous to everyone else. And while Gandhi inspired millions and moved powerful governments to make changes, Cam calls play-actions on 3rd and long or has his QB pitch the ball backwards seven yards when the team is a half yard away from the endzone. And instead of teaching change through peaceful means, Cam calls off his kicker and decides to throw it on 4th and 11. And instead of impacting generations of people with his intellect, wisdom and innovative thinking, he calls for a running play when everyone in the stadium knows they're going to run the ball. So, in other words, nothing like Gandhi.

Unleash The Power of The Mormon!

Both the Palm Beach Post and the Miami Herald are calling for Cam Cameron to cut John Beck's cord and let him fucking sling the rock already. I added the fucking for emphasis.

Says Greg Stoda:

"Let [Beck] heave more than one deep toss to Ted Ginn Jr.... Have him throw on first down more often than not. Give him the keys to the two-minute offense, and do it four or five times...Enough with the kid-glove treatment. The Dolphins made the decision a few weeks ago to use the remainder of the season to study Beck, and time's a-wastin'."

Says Armando Salguero:

"In giving [Beck] the keys to the offense, they have declined to put any gas in the tank. While it is true Beck is now Miami's starting passer, he is more accurately the starter handing off to a running back. In other words, the Dolphins have put something of a tight leash on Beck. They have run the football 43 percent of the time this season but in the past two games since Beck became the starter, Miami has raised its runs frequency to 51 percent of the time..."

Yes, it was cold in Philly and it was the guy's first start. And Heinz field in Pittsburgh Monday was like playing in ankle deep sewage. But this week there's no excuse not to let Beck call down the power of God (being that they're good buddies and all) and let him throw all day. We're at home, facing a team we're actually favored against, staring down the last best shot we have at getting a win this year. And more than that, since we've lost Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, our running back options have been dwindled down to a motley crew of crappyness. And, they're each dealing with very legitimate reasons why they'll be questionable options the rest of the way:

Jesse Chatman: Injured ankle, injured neck. Plus, he's a Hobbit.

Samkon Gado: Hired. Fired. Hired again. Plus, he's Nigerian. Don't they play soccer or some shit?

Patrick Cobbs: Leprechaun.

Squiggy: Just signed to the practice squad.

You've got two major newspapers calling for the same thing, you've got me, a super studly blogger, calling for this as well. Which means Cam Cameron is going to do the exact opposite of what we're all saying. Because Cam Cameron is like Gandhi. He's a man of deep convictions and purpose and does things his way even when they seem ridiculous to everyone else. And while Gandhi inspired millions and moved powerful governments to make changes, Cam calls play-actions on 3rd and long or has his QB pitch the ball backwards seven yards when the team is a half yard away from the endzone. And instead of teaching change through peaceful means, Cam calls off his kicker and decides to throw it on 4th and 11. And instead of impacting generations of people with his intellect, wisdom and innovative thinking, he calls for a running play when everyone in the stadium knows they're going to run the ball. So, in other words, nothing like Gandhi.

The Wrath of Cam

 

"I went back and looked at the tape and remembered all the good things he's done. He's aware of the things he has to improve on," Cam Cameron said of Lemon.

"John Beck has been one play away from playing several weeks now. He's progressing, doing a nice job. We'll continue with his development."

"We feel confident when given the opportunity he'll do fine, but right now Cleo is practicing extremely well. Cleo does a lot of good things. Cleo has given us an opportunity to win in a couple of these games and we're going to continue to go in that direction. If I feel like a decision needs to be made differently and we need to go in another direction then I'll do that."

Beck has to be ready regardless, Cameron said. He's getting ready, and Cleo's getting ready. Cleo is learning. I think we've all seen the good things Cleo has done and the glimpses. So we got two guys that don't have a lot of experience, and we're going to need them both.

Why? Why does this happen to us? What have we done to anger the gods? Why must we suffer and go on suffering as if our forefathers left a few chili dog wrappers and several empty cans of Coors Light on some ancient Indian burial ground after enjoying a long night of cow tipping and hookers? And what the fuck film has Cam Cameron been watching that he says Cleo Lemon has done good things?

Cam's decision making has gone from well, didn't see that coming to hmmm, that's peculiar to pretty bad to piss-poor to down right Wannstedtian. Going with the guy that gives us the best chance to win. In an 0-8 season. Genius! Must get that win. Because that's what matters. Because fuck you and the future and shove your "return to the glory days" hopes and dreams right up your ass with a spatula. Because 1-15 looks better than 0-16. And that's the only thing that matters. We gotta get that win!

Right?

Right?

This isn't about getting a win. This is about Cam looking to save his own nuts from being dipped into a vat of boiling oil. That's all. He doesn't give a squirrel's fart about the future or a return to the glory days. He just doesn't want to be known as the guy who led the Miami Dolphins to the first ever 0-16 season. He doesn't want to be the guy that goes down in Dolphins history as more loathed than this guy (or, was is it this guy?)

How do I know this? Well, he's either saving his own ass by sticking with Lemon, or he's a fucking raving idiot.

The Wrath of Cam

 

"I went back and looked at the tape and remembered all the good things he's done. He's aware of the things he has to improve on," Cam Cameron said of Lemon.

"John Beck has been one play away from playing several weeks now. He's progressing, doing a nice job. We'll continue with his development."

"We feel confident when given the opportunity he'll do fine, but right now Cleo is practicing extremely well. Cleo does a lot of good things. Cleo has given us an opportunity to win in a couple of these games and we're going to continue to go in that direction. If I feel like a decision needs to be made differently and we need to go in another direction then I'll do that."

Beck has “to be ready regardless,” Cameron said. “He’s getting ready, and Cleo’s getting ready. Cleo is learning. I think we’ve all seen the good things Cleo has done and the glimpses. So we got two guys that don’t have a lot of experience, and we’re going to need them both.”

Why? Why does this happen to us? What have we done to anger the gods? Why must we suffer and go on suffering as if our forefathers left a few chili dog wrappers and several empty cans of Coors Light on some ancient Indian burial ground after enjoying a long night of cow tipping and hookers? And what the fuck film has Cam Cameron been watching that he says Cleo Lemon has done good things?

I've been a staunch supporter of Cam's. I've defended him at every turn this year. Yea, you know, I think I'm done with that.

Yea, I think that's enough.

Cam's decision making has gone from well, didn't see that coming to hmmm, that's peculiar to pretty bad to piss-poor to down right Wannstedtian. Going with the guy that gives us the best chance to win. In an 0-8 season. Genius! Must get that win. Because that's what matters. Because fuck you and the future and shove your "return to the glory days" hopes and dreams right up your ass with a spatula. Because 1-15 looks better than 0-16. And that's the only thing that matters. We gotta get that win!

Right?

Right?

This isn't about getting a win. This is about Cam looking to save his own nuts from being dipped into a vat of boiling oil. That's all. He doesn't give a squirrel's fart about the future or a return to the glory days. He just doesn't want to be known as the guy who led the Miami Dolphins to the first ever 0-16 season. He doesn't want to be the guy that goes down in Dolphins history as more loathed than this guy (or, was is it this guy?)

How do I know this? Well, he's either saving his own ass by sticking with Lemon, or he's a fucking raving idiot.

Cameron Only Using 20 Percent of His Plays

In a word, the Dolphins first-team offense has sucked this pre-season. We all see that it sucks. And we call them out on it. We say, "Man Dolphins first-team, you suck!"

But Cam Cameron doesn't give two shits about what you and I think. Because he says they're sort of sucking on purpose.

Cameron says the reason the offense has been so erratic and crappy is because he's only using 20 percent of his plays and is substituting players willy nilly to see who emerges as a starter. And some positions aren't even completely set yet.

"The evaluation of Ronnie Brown is far from over," Cameron said.

Cam is also planning to game-plan for Saturday's game against the Bucs. He plans to have the team watch film and scout Tampa Bay and then open things up during practice. Then, when they play the actual game, they'll go back to their limited play-calling ways.

"We'll show up to the stadium and it's going to look vanilla again," Cameron said. "That will get everybody fired up, won't it?"

Yes. I get it. Let's prepare as if this were the real deal, give it our all in practice, and then get to the stadium on Saturday and act all aloof like we thought we were here to see a Christopher Cross concert when the game starts. Good idea? No. Brilliant idea!

So, if I'm hearing this correctly, and I'd like to think that I am, Cameron's really just fucking with everybody. The Dolphins don't really suck. They're just half-assing it out there so that the players can learn to play better. So come Saturday, I'll just pretend I'm a disgruntled fan, use only 20 percent of my anger at the team so that I can learn to think that this team is playoff bound when the first game of the regular season rolls around.

Look, I know -- hell we all know -- that pre-season is about half-assing the playbook and calling plays you drew up on the shitter that morning and having guys learn their positions and having guys earn starting spots. But what I see is what I see. And what I see is an offensive line that's a complete mess and a Trent Green that looks like Keanu Reeves at the Oscars. You can only fake suck so far. And you can only teach fundamentals so long.

Coach Cam needs not worry that we think the offense is boring. Believe me, coach, we're used to that. What we think is that this team needs a lot of work and that your job is going to be a difficult one. We don't need explanations. We need progress. So, good luck and please fix this as soon as you can, okay? Great.

Oh. And one more thing. Ronnie Brown not the starter? Now you're just feeding us 100 percent bullshit, right?

Right?