Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

The Robot Chad Henne Is Just Biding His Time

 

Tony Sparano came out yesterday and proclaimed that this is still very much Chad Pennington's team. But that's not stopping Chad Henne from assimilating and preparing for when the day comes that he will be called by his galactic overlords to disintigrate all weapons that could be used against him and take out every human being and begin harvesting our organs for his home planet Klaatu-5 to step in as the starting quarterback for the Miami Dolphins.

While Henne's role is set for now, he plans to prepare as if he'll be lining up under center on Sept. 13 when Miami opens the regular season at Atlanta.

"I'm not going to back down," Henne said. "That's just the competitor I am."

Pennington, 33 and entering his 10th NFL season, expects nothing less. It's one reason he passed on a vacation in July to work out in South Florida's suffocating heat and humidity.

Pennington still has something to prove to himself. Last season was only the second time Pennington played in all 16 games.

"Stay healthy; that's my No. 1 goal," he said Sunday.

But if Pennington doesn't, Henne's teammates, echoing their words a season ago, think he'll be able to step in.

Good to know Henne is ready to step in at a moment's notice. Odds are good that Chad Pennington could get hurt this year. But that's not why he arrived to camp looking stronger and more physical. Having a robot stalking you day and night will do that to a person. Always looking for ways to have you meet with an "accident," trying to find a way to melt you with its heat ray without anyone noticing, intercepting your brain waves so it can know what you know. Shit must be tough. Most teams have quarterback competitions. But what Chad Pennington is involved in is more than just looking to keep the starting job. It's a matter of survival.

If this video doesn't enable your nipples to cut an industrial-grade diamond, then declare yourself legally dead

Funny how Chad looks and acts like a douche when he's in a Jets uniform. But then he's totally awesome when he's wearing Fins colors. It's magical. Clothes make the man, I guess. Like when I wear my top hat and monocle. I'm fancy!

Chad Pennington is Unfiltered, Still Adorable

Omar Kelly finally got a chance to interview Captain Balls himself, Chad Pennington, for his "Dolphins Unfiltered" series. Here's the video.

I hope you're watching the interview, because I can't keep my eyes of the hotness.

The Robot Chad Henne is Assimilated & Prepared

Chad Henne participated in the Fin Cup charity golf tournament this week. And he told reporters that being a backup to Chad Pennington again all this coming season isn't necessarily a foregone conclusion.

"It was definitely a learning experience this year,'' said Chad Henne, the Dolphins second-round pick last year, who only got into one regular-season game his rookie season and led a 67-yard TD drive. "We'll see how it all plays out coming up this year. I would assume he'd be the starter at the beginning, but who knows, we'll see how it plays out.''

One might easily misinterpret this as some kind of threat towards Pennington. But keep in mind that Chad Henne is a robot from the 50's, and is incapable of emotion or of mincing words. He knows Pennington's injury history, and calculated the odds of him getting hurt again this season, and spoke accordingly. It's still a pretty badass statement from our future franchise quarterback. And you gotta love that shit. Henne knows he's got the arm, the skills and the balls to handle the position. And that's what you want from your leader.

Now some might say Henne should just go ahead and start this season so that he can start getting acclimated to the speed of the NFL, and that having him on the bench again will only hurt him. But that's not necessarily true. Henne can be much better served on the bench, learning from Pennington and taking in as much information as possible. This is his franchise. It's not going anywhere. And, as we all know, Pennington is teaching the robot everything he knows. When Henne's time does finally come, he'll be fully prepared.

Henne's ability as a quarterback won't be hampered if he waits another season behind Pennington. That's like saying plants don't grow in the jungle just because no one is there to witness it. Or like saying girls don't make out in their bras and panties after a slumber party pillow fight. Of course those things happen. It's just science.

Chad Pennington is Your 2008 Cockpuncher Award Winner

As if there was ever any doubt (we still had to make it official). Chad Pennington and his balls were voted by you, Nation, as the inaugural 2008 Cockpuncher Award winner for the 2008 season in 2008. Hoorah. Pennington took home the prize with 63.6%. Coming in at a distant second was Joey Porter eking out the silver with 13.6% to Yeremiah Bell's 12.5%. Yeremiah is not happy about this. Somebody's going to have a dislocated spleen by the end of the day.

So congratulations to Chad Pennington who gets to have his face placed on the Cockpuncher Award plaque on the side bar. What an honor! We'll also be donating $20 to his foundation in FN's name. Because, why the fuck not.

Thank you for participating in this arbitrary census.

Omar Has Changed His Mind About Chad Pennington. And So Have I.

When we first signed Chad Pennington in the off-season, my initial reaction was pretty much one of "here we go again." Simply put, Pennington was just another retread quarterback with an injury history. And that arm of his. Whoa nelly, Keith Jackson could throw a football harder and farther than Pennington. So my reasons seemed legit. And, as Omar Kelly admits in his blog post today, he had the same feelings about Noodles. The vibes just weren't good. But the vibes can go fuck themselves with a cactus, because they were wrong. And so was I. And, as Omar admits today, so was he. Although, I did quickly change my mind soon after we signed Pennington. Nothing that rational mulling can't solve. Plus, Mr. T approved of Pennington. So there was that.

Omar tells us Pennington's work ethic and intelligence is why he's proving the doubters wrong. Pennington's study habits are second to none. And his overall leadership is something we seriously haven't seen from our QB since The Right Arm of God roamed the sidelines yelling at everybody.

And then there's this:

For those wondering if rookie quarterback Chad Henne and second-year vet John Beck are paying attention, let me calm your anxiety and reveal that they are.

Beck said he and Henne actually get homework assignments from Pennington and gladly breaks down whatever he asks.

Homework assignments? I don't know about you, but that gets my nipples really hard. You can engrave your name and your family crest onto a diamond with my nipples. Did Brett Favre go out of his way to teach Aaron Rodgers the ins and outs of NFL quarterbacking in Green Bay? Fuck and no. And I think we can safely say that Kellen Clemens in New York is pretty much on his own. Meanwhile, here in Miami, The Robot is getting a good dose of the Pennington knowlege downloaded into his system. Awesome.
 
And then there's Chad Penninton's dreamyness. The one guy I would blow, based on who he is and how gorgeous he is, is Chad Pennington. I have no gay inclinations whatsoever except that I want to fuck Chad Pennington. Throughout the day at work, I often catch myself day dreaming about Chad Pennington. Seriously, I'm not gay in any way except that I want to totally fuck that guy right in his face. And then I want to return the favor. But I don't know. I don't think I have a shot. He's just so out of my league. Sigh.

Because DRK Had to Go and Pee in Our Coffee Today...

A reminder:

....It's fucking Victory Monday!!!!

Fuck yea, Victory Monday!


Fuck yea!

Right on.

Wildcat Ugly

Two words can aptly describe Sunday's 21-19 win over Seattle: weird fucking game.

This game seemed to embody what the 2008 Miami Dolphins are. Scrappy, crappy, exciting, infuriating, imposing, cringe worthy, and awesome all at the same time. The defense looked like it was going to have a huge game in the first half, only to return for the second-half as if they had themselves a K-Y Jelly wrestling tournament in the locker room during halftime. The offense looked as if it was going to be able to score at will after Chad Pennington threw that 67-yard flea flicker touchdown to Ted Ginn in double-coverage, and after that 51-yard touchdown run by Ricky Williams. Yet in the second quarter, for whatever reason, the offense decided that it was enough already and reverted back to their old stagnant ways. Pennington throws a pick that gets returned for a touchdown, the running game shuts down like my Dad after a heavy meal, and panic attacks set in during every 3rd and long. Yet the Dolphins win on a 9 minute drive that culminates in a Ronnie Brown touchdown and a last-minute defensive stance. Ugly? Yes. Kick-ass? Absolutely.

Sure there were times where the opportunistic Seahawks took advantage of Miami's sloppiness and stormed back in a game they had no business storming back in, which in turn drove me to rub a cheese grater against my genitals. But the Dolphins were able to make up for their sloppiness by taking advantage of Seattle's over-all suckiness.

And then there was that one moment where you thought to yourself, "Holy fucknuts. This game's gonna come down to an Olindo Mare field goal! And there's no infield dirt to stop him!!!" I know you were thinking this, because I was thinking this. You were also thinking, "We won't be able to live this down if we lose." But, thankfully, that turned out not to be the case. While the Fins defense wasn't as dominant as one would've hoped against this injury riddled Seahawks team, it ultimately got the job done. The D-line clamped down when it needed to the most, quite literally delivering a cockpunch to Seattle QB Seneca Wallace, injuring his groin and limiting his mobility. Joey Porter and his popcorn muscles only managed to record 2 tackles and half a sack, but the other guys -- Roth, Crowder, Ferguson, Langford -- showed up big, holding Wallace to just 185 yards passing and Julius Jones to just 88 yards rushing. Displaying their full sacks, if you will.

This game also featured the return of the once-thought-dead Wildcat. And it came back with a vengeance, just like in that movie Pet Semetary where dead pets come back to life except that they're not cute like they used to be, but all fucked up and ghastly and ready to gauge your eyes out and slash your carotid artery because you once dressed them up like a cowboy for Halloween because you thought it would be so adorable. The Wildcat had been completely shut down the past three weeks. But against Seattle, the formation resulted in all three touchdowns and gave Ricky Williams his first 100 yard rushing game since 2006.

So despite Chad Pennington reminding us all that his arm is, in fact, one giant noodle, and despite the fact that our special teams needs a good "talkin' to" by Coach Sparano Al Capone in Untouchables style, and despite the fact that our defense forgot how to stop the run during the second half, we won. It was ugly. Like the girl you take home and bone on a dare. But it's a win. And a win is a win, and we'll take it. And so the Dolphins are now 5-4 -- above .500 for the first time since 2005 -- and a game out of first in the AFC East. Yo quiero tetitas grandes!!!

Also, a special thanks goes out to Koren Robinson and his intractable cement-hands.

A Mile Deep All Up In Yer Ass

Well that was the tits, was it not? All week long, I had the sweats thinking about what Brandon Marshall was going to do to our secondary. And yet, our secondary stepped up and said, "Chills the fuck out, Dude. We gots this. Gangsta!" and had it's finest performance of the season. And it all started with Will Allen's 32-yard INT return for a touchdown. After that, it was all just a formality. Jay Cutler throwing 3 picks, Marshall being completely emasculated, Denver committing penalties left and right. It was magical. Best part of Sunday's win was watching the Broncos go all Bobby Brown-Whitney Houston before our very eyes: Uber-Douche Cutler throwing towels on the field, Marshall walking off to the sidelines like a girl who just got the old cock-in-the-popcorn trick pulled on her at the movies, and Mike Shanahan looking like that guy in Scanners just before his head explodes. Seriously, I've never seen such a collective hissy fit from one team during a game. Sure, we've seen Tom Brady do it. But an entire team? This was new. And it was the awesomeness.

The defense was iron-clad, holding Denver's running backs to a mere 14 yards for the entire game. The secondary just completely man-handled the Denver receivers. And Yeremiah "I'm Yeremiah Bell Muthafucka!" Bell did what he does, leading the way with 6 tackles, but leaving the game sad because, once again, he was unable to dislodge someone's large intestine. Next time, Yeremiah. We know you can do it. Meanwhile, J-Peezey picked up his 11th and a half sack of the season and did that kicky celebration thing that he does. Greg Camarillo set a career high with 11 catches for 111 yards. And what more can we say about Ricky and Ronnie? Ricky showed just how invaluable he truly is with that balls-of-steel-and-mortar catch that set up the nail-in-the-coffin touchdown. And Ronnie finally got 20 carries. The yardage total wasn't all that great, but I'm telling you: Ronnie touches the rock 20+ times, we win. Period.

Shit, even Jason Allen got in on the gangbang with that first INT that sort of set the tone for the rest of the game. And while Chad Pennington had plenty of moments that made me all grab-my-junk-n-shake-it-at-the-television, he was solid enough when it counted. During that last drive, after the Broncos took the momentum with a TD, the Denver crowd going batshit, the stadium shaking, the pressure most definitely on, Pennington showed us all he has a sack that can fit the entire Rocky Mountains. A gargantuan, pasty sack. Pennington led the Fins down the field with those patented "Holy-Fuck-That's-Gonna-Get-Picked-Oh-Shit-What-A-Pass!" passes of his that culminated in the Ronnie TD to seal the deal. And it was game time. And the beer flowed. And the high-fives commenced. And the hookers danced into the night. What a great country we live in! Next up: Seattle. Can you think of a more kickass way to start the week? I can't. Well, aside from maybe getting a full friction lap dance from Megan Fox. But still. This is almost as good.

Other random thoughts I had during the game:

• Ted Ginn Jr. is beginning to realize that, yes, you are indeed allowed to run in football.
  
• Why must our special teams act like my uncle at Thanksgiving and dip its nuts in the cranberry sauce in full view of grandma, resulting in everyone's fun being ruined?
• Every time the TV showed a close up of Mike Shanahan, you could just barely hear that creaky leathery noise that shoes make.
• Vernon Carey's lack of push is beginning to concern me. Take a vitamin or two, Vern.
  
• Sorry Timmy. But I think it's time to euthanize the Wildcat (-6 yards in this game).
• Our offense really needs to get their shit together on 3rd and 10 or more.
• Jesus, how slow are our linebackers? This slow: a random, white, seventh-round draft pick fullback from Conway, Arkansas named Peyton Hillis caught 7 passes for 116 yards and a TD.
• Eddie Royal: Why can't we draft guys like that?
• It's official: Jay Cutler has the most punchable face in the NFL.
• Man do those mini 100 Grand bars look like little pieces of turd. But they're fucking delicious.
• This was the most fired up I've ever seen Tony Sparano during a game. I think Shanahan might have shat his pants. 
• Brandon Fields now leads the team in most likely to get an ass full of huge fuckin' calves before the season is over.
• Don't look now, but the Dolphins suddenly find themselves balls deep in the Wild Card hunt, and just one game back in the AFC East. Tits.
  

Pennington Wins AFC Offensive Player of the Week

Jeff Darlington of the Miami Herald is reporting that Chad Pennington has won Week 8's AFC Offensive Player of the Week.  Pennington was 22 of 30 for 314 yards and one touchdown in our absolute shit-housing of the Buffalo Bills.  Thankfully, Thurman Thomas nor Kenneth Davis were around to do anything about it. 

 Hopefully we eat up a couple more greasy double cheeseburgers with white rice and beans this week and get our shit on with the 28th ranked Denver passing defense - allowing 240 passing yards and 28 points per game.  Who knows?  With that defense, there's a chance to sweep both the FedEx Air and Ground prizes for the week.

 Also, don't forget to vote for Joey!!!  The man WILL kill the pony at your child's party - either now or in the future.  It's just a matter of time if you don't vote.