Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Free Agency Open Thread

This is where you'll find all the updated info on the Dolphins free agency quest between now and Monday. And, as you did last season, feel free to add your own news in the comments as you get it (be sure to add a link to your post). And don't forget to hit the 'refresh' button on your Google Interwebs Machine so you'll know you're getting the latest updates. You never know. You click 'refresh' and ping! we just signed a major player! Or, I click 'refresh' and ping! naked Megan Fox sitting on my face! Hooray 'refresh' button!!
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[Updated 3:04 PM] Joe Berger is a Miami Dolphin. John Houseman approves. Everyone else, maybe not so much.

[Updated 2:55 PM] Ethan Skolnick reports that Laveranues Coles has been in town since yesterday. Commenter Sweet Brah says ESPN Radio is reporting we've signed Coles, but I can't confirm that yet. Meanwhile, Harvey Failkov writes the Dolphins are working out former FSU receiver and unfortunately named De'Cody Fagg today.

[Updated 2:24 PM] Omar writes that his sources are telling him Joe Berger is in the house, paying his visit (he has a very John Houseman name: "Mister Berrrrrrgerrr.") Omar also writes what I've been thinking all day: the Fins must have their eye on specific centers in the draft since  they're going to pass on Jason Brown. I've also been thinking about Megan Fox's nipples all day. Meanwhile, Omar is waiting to hear from Drew Rosenhaus about Steelers CB Bryant McFadden. It would be the tits if we landed McFadden. The. Tits.

[Updated 12:02 PM] Tumbleweed just passed by my desk. I'm not even joking. Zzzzzzz...

[Updated 10:44 AM] Omar lists the holes the Dolphins yet need to fill (heh)
Hat tip to commenter Tom-Ass.

[Updated 10:36 AM] Albert Breer of Sporting News is saying the Redskins have canceled their visit with Chris Canty. This probably means nothing for the Fins, seeing how the Redskins just gave all their money to Albert Haynesworth. But it's worth noting.

[Updated 9:15 AM] Dan Snyder is an unmitigated moron. That is all.

[Updated 7:58 AM] Looks like Chris Canty is also asking too much. Be prepared for Joe Berger to be a Miami Dolphin. /sad trombone sound

[Updated 7:55 AM] Bart Scott is going to the Jets is visiting with the Jets. Not at all shocking. Faggots.

[Update 7:30 AM] Looks like the Rams are the favorite to land Jason Brown. Apparently he's asking for $8 million per, which the Dolphins think is too much. Looks like all the buzz on Brown is gonna get him paid. Just not with us. I blame Tom-Ass.

[Update 1:03 AM] FoxSports says that Jason Brown will visit with the Rams Friday.

[Update 12:58 AM] Somewhere in this garbled mess, Armando is saying that Cowboys center/guard Joe Berger will visit with the Dolphins Friday.

Let's Start the Insanity

So here we go. Let the free agency juices jizz all over our face! Fuck yea!

Wait. What?

Serious kudos to Parcells and his Crew of Men With Large Testicles Made of Brass or Some Other Kind of Hard Alloy Substance for the signing of Vernon Carey, Channing Crowder, Yeremiah Bell and the newest Dolphin, Gibril Wilson this week. Way to set the tone.

Word from Omar is that the Dolphins are interested in Laveranues Coles at the right price. Everyone seems to think Coles will be a Dolphin come Friday. And it would make a lot of sense. Howevah! at this stage of his career, Coles is a No. 2 receiver. And in case you haven't noticed, we got a shitload of those on our roster already. Plus he's like 5-11, which would add to our already midgetized receiving corps. Coles or no Coles, we need to address the receiver spot in the draft with a big 6 foot motherlover with 4.3, 4.4 speed. Just sayin.

As for the weird rumors of Marvin Harrison becoming a Dolphin? Meh. No thanks. I don't see it. Maybe it's a Parcells-induced media leak to speed up the Coles talks. Who knows. I guess we'll see. Anyway, here's how I see it going down Friday, which means it won't go down like this at all:

1. C/OL Jason Brown: Dude is going to command a lot of money. He's already halted talks with the Ravens which means it's pretty much down to us and the free wheelin' Redskins. My gut tells me he'll be a Dolphin. Why? Because fuck Dan Snyder, that's why.

2. DE Chris Canty: 6-7, 299 lbs. and only 26 years old. Dude is solid, and was drafted by Parcells' Cowboys in the 4th round of the 2005 NFL Draft. Canty is a DE, but his ability to shuffle to the NT makes him a perfect fit in the 3-4. We can't overlook the need to get younger at NT. We also can't overlook the amazing powers Marisa Miller's ass has over mankind. But that's neither here nor there.

3. DE Mike Montgomery: 6-5, 273 lbs, 25 years old. The guy is a solid lineman with versatility and could be brought in to compete with Canty and the other linemen. Montgomery can play in a 3-4. He's a bit undersized, but he can do damage when called to duty. Just like my penis!

4. LB Angelo Crowell: 6-1, 246 lbs, 27 years old. He missed 2008 with a knee injury but, as we saw last year, injuries didn't stop the Fins from signing Justin Smiley. Crowell played in a 4-3 defense in Buffalo but he's fast, versatile and could be effective in the 3-4. Crowell could be a sleeper if he can bounce back from his injury. And even a one-legged Crowell could probably push a two-legged Crowder in training camp.

Those are the four guys I'm predicting will be Dolphins Friday. Which, again, means we won't be getting any of them. Ah well. We'll have the free agent open thread post updated througout the day first thing in the morning. Let's do this. Word to your Mother.

JT Says He's Staying (and other crap)

Here's what happened over the weekend while you wondered why your Emperor's Club "order" was a no-show:

Jason Taylor appears on satellite radio, says he's staying in Miami, walks off doing jazz hands
Taylor told Sirius Satellite radio hosts Vic Carucci and Dan Leberfeld that Miami is where he wants to be. This has really become the most annoying story of the off-season. It's been a slow time for news and some are speculating that Bill Parcells is all pissy about JT's off-season shenanigans and will therefore trade him away because of his cavorting with fast dames on some god damned fruity television program. That'll show him! Look, this thing won't get resolved until either one of two things happen: A.) Jason Taylor gets traded or B.) Jason Taylor is in a Dolphins uniform on Opening Week in September. AND THAT'S IT! The media needs to seriously quit trying to figure this out. And the media needs to seriously stop doing these kinds of columns. No, seriously. Stop.

Meanwhile, tonight is JT's debut on Dancing With the Stars. You can see some video and photos on his MySpace page, where I continue to be his BFF (after the "Vote for JT", "Edyta" his dance partner, and the "DWS Season 6" pages. ::claps, giggles and hops up and down::). This Edyta chick seems somewhat hot. But she also sounds mind numbingly annoying. Won't surprise me in the least if JT ends up tossing her across the room like a sack of game-worn Vernon Carey jockstraps once she finally gets on his last nerve. JT has no tolerance for bullshit. Anyway, catch the 2 hour premiere (Jesus! 2 fucking hours??!!) tonight on ABC! And be sure to vote for JT by texting  34343.

Parcells keeps building the Special Teams unit. Other units can go fuck themsevles
The Fins signed former Bengals WR Tab Perry, prompting two questions: Why are we only building up the special teams and neglecting our other needs? And, why would anyone name their kid Tab? Bill obviously has other plans that do not include signing any more free agents as far as building the offensive line, defensive line, secondary or wide receiver units is concerned, so we'll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, take a step back, pause and reflect at what our special teams looks like now. All of a sudden, it's looking pretty damned kickass. Yea it does.

Ricky Williams is on schedule with his rehab. Bloggers, columnists and fan forums are on schedule for more shitty "Ricky-Loves-Pot!" jokes
If you recall, Ricky's comeback with the Fins lasted about 7 minutes last season before some gorilla asshole from the Steelers stepped on his shoulder. Meanwhile, Ronnie Brown's season went to the crapper after he  tore his ACL. Yes, it was a lovely season. But Brown's agent says he too is on schedule with his rehab and is even doing some running. It will be great to have both Brown and Williams in the backfield next season. If both can stay healthy (I'm looking at you, Black Thunder!), that's one mighty RB combo coming from behind John Beck, or Josh McCown, or Matt Ryan, or Joe Flacco, or Chad Henne, or....

JT Says He's Staying (and other crap)

Here's what happened over the weekend while you wondered why your Emperor's Club "order" was a no-show:

Jason Taylor appears on satellite radio, says he's staying in Miami, walks off doing jazz hands
Taylor told Sirius Satellite radio hosts Vic Carucci and Dan Leberfeld that Miami is where he wants to be. This has really become the most annoying story of the off-season. It's been a slow time for news and some are speculating that Bill Parcells is all pissy about JT's off-season shenanigans and will therefore trade him away because of his cavorting with fast dames on some god damned fruity television program. That'll show him! Look, this thing won't get resolved until either one of two things happen: A.) Jason Taylor gets traded or B.) Jason Taylor is in a Dolphins uniform on Opening Week in September. AND THAT'S IT! The media needs to seriously quit trying to figure this out. And the media needs to seriously stop doing these kinds of columns. No, seriously. Stop.

Meanwhile, tonight is JT's debut on Dancing With the Stars. You can see some video and photos on his MySpace page, where I continue to be his BFF (after the "Vote for JT", "Edyta" his dance partner, and the "DWS Season 6" pages. ::claps, giggles and hops up and down::). This Edyta chick seems somewhat hot. But she also sounds mind numbingly annoying. Won't surprise me in the least if JT ends up tossing her across the room like a sack of game-worn Vernon Carey jockstraps once she finally gets on his last nerve. JT has no tolerance for bullshit. Anyway, catch the 2 hour premiere (Jesus! 2 fucking hours??!!) tonight on ABC! And be sure to vote for JT by texting  34343.

Parcells keeps building the Special Teams unit. Other units can go fuck themsevles
The Fins signed former Bengals WR Tab Perry, prompting two questions: Why are we only building up the special teams and neglecting our other needs? And, why would anyone name their kid Tab? Bill obviously has other plans that do not include signing any more free agents as far as building the offensive line, defensive line, secondary or wide receiver units is concerned, so we'll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, take a step back, pause and reflect at what our special teams looks like now. All of a sudden, it's looking pretty damned kickass. Yea it does.

Ricky Williams is on schedule with his rehab. Bloggers, columnists and fan forums are on schedule for more shitty "Ricky-Loves-Pot!" jokes
If you recall, Ricky's comeback with the Fins lasted about 7 minutes last season before some gorilla asshole from the Steelers stepped on his shoulder. Meanwhile, Ronnie Brown's season went to the crapper after he  tore his ACL. Yes, it was a lovely season. But Brown's agent says he too is on schedule with his rehab and is even doing some running. It will be great to have both Brown and Williams in the backfield next season. If both can stay healthy (I'm looking at you, Black Thunder!), that's one mighty RB combo coming from behind John Beck, or Josh McCown, or Matt Ryan, or Joe Flacco, or Chad Henne, or....

Fins Now Lead League in Dudes Shot in the Ass

The Dolphins have signed former Cowboys safety Keith Davis. Davis adds depth to the secondary and will be competing with Yeremiah Bell, Jason Allen and Renaldo Hill for a starting spot (really, how hard can that be?). But Davis is primarily being brought here to fix our shitty special teams.

A team captain last season in Dallas, Davis has a history of being solid in special teams. Davis also has a history of getting shot a bunch of times.

"He missed the entire 2003 season after suffering a gunshot wound to his hip and elbow while waiting to pick up a friend at a topless club...Davis was also shot in the head and thigh while driving down a Dallas highway in July 2006 as he was returning from a family vacation. The police described it as an attempted carjacking. None of the wounds were considered serious."

Jesus, bullets just find this guy. And yet, he lives. He's like Robert Patrick. He's been shot in the head, elbow, hip and thigh. That's pretty badass. One time, I got a splinter in my foot. My Mom pulled it out with some tweezers. Then I passed out for like 30 seconds. I too am a badass.

Anyway, Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter was also shot in the backside area a few years ago. So now our roster features two guys that have been shot in the ass. There's a feather in our cap!

Fins Now Lead League in Dudes Shot in the Ass

The Dolphins have signed former Cowboys safety Keith Davis. Davis adds depth to the secondary and will be competing with Yeremiah Bell, Jason Allen and Renaldo Hill for a starting spot (really, how hard can that be?). But Davis is primarily being brought here to fix our shitty special teams.

A team captain last season in Dallas, Davis has a history of being solid in special teams. Davis also has a history of getting shot a bunch of times.

"He missed the entire 2003 season after suffering a gunshot wound to his hip and elbow while waiting to pick up a friend at a topless club...Davis was also shot in the head and thigh while driving down a Dallas highway in July 2006 as he was returning from a family vacation. The police described it as an attempted carjacking. None of the wounds were considered serious."

Jesus, bullets just find this guy. And yet, he lives. He's like Robert Patrick. He's been shot in the head, elbow, hip and thigh. That's pretty badass. One time, I got a splinter in my foot. My Mom pulled it out with some tweezers. Then I passed out for like 30 seconds. I too am a badass.

Anyway, Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter was also shot in the backside area a few years ago. So now our roster features two guys that have been shot in the ass. There's a feather in our cap!

The Hobbit Has Gone North (and other crap)

Here's what happened over the weekend while 10,000 BC was hitting No. 1 at the box office, thus signaling the end of Western civilization as we know it:

-- The Dolphins have just become 52% less ridiculous. Another face of the debacle that was the 2007 season has left us. Jesse Chatman has gone to the Jets. While Jesse did provide us with some comedic gold last season, he also represented everything that went wrong with the Fins in '07. The guy was our starting running back at one point for fucksake. I just threw up in my mouth. The Hobbit ends his days as a Dolphin with 515 yards and 1 touchdown. Now, he'll be eating whole turkeys and roaming the streets of New York looking for donuts in the city that never sleeps. I envy Jets bloggers. I really do.

-- Justin Smiley was on 790 The Ticket's Jorge Sedano show on Friday. And instead of giving a normal, boring, cliche' filled interview, he tore new Jets OG Alan Faneca a new asshole. Said Smiley: �First of all, Alan Faneca�s ancient. The guy is about 10 damn years older than me. Anyone can pull some game film up. Go watch all my game film. That�ll do the talking. Parcells didn�t sign Faneca. They had the cap room to do it and didn�t want to do it. There must be some good things that they saw in me. I want to let my play do the talking. I�m so excited to get down there � and get this thing turned around.�

Suddenly our rivalry with the Jets is turning up a few notches. Nice to see the Dolphins finally signing guys with working testicles. Smiley sounds like a badass. He's also got a heavy breathing thing going on, which is a little creepy. (On a side note, here's a fun drinking game you might wanna play at work: If you listen to Sedano's show, take a shot every time he utters the word "Okay." You'll be hammered before 10AM)

-- The Fins are off to attend my boy Vernon Gholston's personal workout today. Gholston�s stock has been through the roof since the combine last month. And on Friday during Ohio State's pro day, he actually proved that he is a mutant by improving on his combine measurables. He ran a 4.58 40 and recorded a vert of 42 inches. Jesus, this guy's not human. If he doesn't end up with us and ends up in either a Jets uniform or with the Pats, I'm going to shit. Literally shit. I'm going to pull my pants down at my draft party and shit. Maybe I'll shit into the nacho dip. That's always fun.

The Hobbit Has Gone North (and other crap)

Here's what happened over the weekend while 10,000 BC was hitting No. 1 at the box office, thus signaling the end of Western civilization as we know it:

-- The Dolphins have just become 52% less ridiculous. Another face of the debacle that was the 2007 season has left us. Jesse Chatman has gone to the Jets. While Jesse did provide us with some comedic gold last season, he also represented everything that went wrong with the Fins in '07. The guy was our starting running back at one point for fucksake. I just threw up in my mouth. The Hobbit ends his days as a Dolphin with 515 yards and 1 touchdown. Now, he'll be eating whole turkeys and roaming the streets of New York looking for donuts in the city that never sleeps. I envy Jets bloggers. I really do.

-- Justin Smiley was on 790 The Ticket's Jorge Sedano show on Friday. And instead of giving a normal, boring, cliche' filled interview, he tore new Jets OG Alan Faneca a new asshole. Said Smiley: “First of all, Alan Faneca’s ancient. The guy is about 10 damn years older than me. Anyone can pull some game film up. Go watch all my game film. That’ll do the talking. Parcells didn’t sign Faneca. They had the cap room to do it and didn’t want to do it. There must be some good things that they saw in me. I want to let my play do the talking. I’m so excited to get down there … and get this thing turned around.”

Suddenly our rivalry with the Jets is turning up a few notches. Nice to see the Dolphins finally signing guys with working testicles. Smiley sounds like a badass. He's also got a heavy breathing thing going on, which is a little creepy. (On a side note, here's a fun drinking game you might wanna play at work: If you listen to Sedano's show, take a shot every time he utters the word "Okay." You'll be hammered before 10AM)

-- The Fins are off to attend my boy Vernon Gholston's personal workout today. Gholston’s stock has been through the roof since the combine last month. And on Friday during Ohio State's pro day, he actually proved that he is a mutant by improving on his combine measurables. He ran a 4.58 40 and recorded a vert of 42 inches. Jesus, this guy's not human. If he doesn't end up with us and ends up in either a Jets uniform or with the Pats, I'm going to shit. Literally shit. I'm going to pull my pants down at my draft party and shit. Maybe I'll shit into the nacho dip. That's always fun.

Boomer Grigsby Will Dance After He Crashes Your Mother�s Car Into a Pole, and you Will Like It

   
Boomer Grigsby was signed by the Fins to mainly be a member of the special teams and to compete for the fullback position. But already he�s gaining cult status in Fins Nation. Grigsby is known as a guy who likes to smash shit with his head. He doesn�t want the football. He just wants to smash shit with his head. Put anything in his path: a nose tackle, a linebacker, a plate-glass window, a stack of watermelons, a brick wall, a World War II era army tank, what have you, and he�ll run at it at breakneck speed and ram himself into it head-first. He�s a fucking loon, this guy. And I�m absolutely loving him.

But before you go dismissing Grigsby as some mindless nut running around, foaming at the mouth, eating his chinstrap, and defecating on some random cheerleader�s foot, there�s this: Grisby attended Harvard Business School. So not only can he beat the ever living shit out of you if you so much as look at him in a way he deems unnecessarily unpleasant and unacceptable, he can also outsmart you right out of your pants. That�s what I call badass.

Oh, and if he asks to borrow your car, don�t expect it back. He once lent his car to a friend for an interview. The friend gave Grigsby his mother's car to use in the meantime. Grigsby eventually crashed the car into a steel pole going 50 MPH after the vehicle slid on a rain slicked road. While the passenger in the car checked himself to see if he was still alive, Grigsby got out, said �That was awesome,� and began to dance. One guy sits in a heap of twisted metal with an underwear full of shit and a bad case of whiplash, while the other guy does a shim-sham in the middle of the road because he's too jacked up to do anything else.

Yup, he�s a fucking loon. And he�s all ours.

Boomer Grigsby Will Dance After He Crashes Your Mother’s Car Into a Pole, and you Will Like It

   
Boomer Grigsby was signed by the Fins to mainly be a member of the special teams and to compete for the fullback position. But already he’s gaining cult status in Fins Nation. Grigsby is known as a guy who likes to smash shit with his head. He doesn’t want the football. He just wants to smash shit with his head. Put anything in his path: a nose tackle, a linebacker, a plate-glass window, a stack of watermelons, a brick wall, a World War II era army tank, what have you, and he’ll run at it at breakneck speed and ram himself into it head-first. He’s a fucking loon, this guy. And I’m absolutely loving him.

But before you go dismissing Grigsby as some mindless nut running around, foaming at the mouth, eating his chinstrap, and defecating on some random cheerleader’s foot, there’s this: Grisby attended Harvard Business School. So not only can he beat the ever living shit out of you if you so much as look at him in a way he deems unnecessarily unpleasant and unacceptable, he can also outsmart you right out of your pants. That’s what I call badass.

Oh, and if he asks to borrow your car, don’t expect it back. He once lent his car to a friend for an interview. The friend gave Grigsby his mother's car to use in the meantime. Grigsby eventually crashed the car into a steel pole going 50 MPH after the vehicle slid on a rain slicked road. While the passenger in the car checked himself to see if he was still alive, Grigsby got out, said “That was awesome,” and began to dance. One guy sits in a heap of twisted metal with an underwear full of shit and a bad case of whiplash, while the other guy does a shim-sham in the middle of the road because he's too jacked up to do anything else.

Yup, he’s a fucking loon. And he’s all ours.